harold_maude's journal

Well summer is slowly drifting away into the threads and winds of autumn. And as the changes in the trees respond to the call of nature the color pallet is about to explode.

Even the sent in the air is changing. From the warm liquid ambrosia of starlit nights and brillian explosions of flowers that frame summer green to the crisp cooling sweet and tangy perfume that invites long walks in a magical world of color that seems to invite story telling.

The gatherings that take place follow the same pattern. The next three months will be filled with the excitement of celebration that weaves in and out of every day.
We remember much durring this time, and it grows and grows with it's cresting happening at the same time the start of the new year according to the gregorian calandar takes place.

We watch our summer love begin to die, the roses get sleeply and as the blooms grow less and less frequent before all that remains are the naked eyes that cover the bodies in the gardens of summer.

I love this time of year, simply because the change that takes place. How summer gently gives way to autums exotic dance, while all the time, I'm very sure that inside the hollows of the sundrenched land there is a cry that goes up in the hearts of thoes who worship at her feet, "We wish this never to end!"

But it does, and the seasons change, and before we are even aware the fist snows of winter will begin to fall. The magical white kisses melting on the warm cheeks of children everywhere, no matter their age.

So we bid thee fair well and adu sweet songbird of summer, with carefree laughter and bright days. We'll miss your rages of storms that you lash upon our doorsteps and love the light shows that make your wings turn purple and black.
We'll miss your song so warm and sweet, fair summer tis now your time to fall gracefully to sleep.

Let autum come, with dazzling display of sunset drenching our every day, for only a short while your color sings, then to greys and deeps of matted brown leaves lay with memories at our feet.

We will miss you sweet lady of summer and while there is still green upon the hills, and the last rose with dying breath, kisses our sleep one more time, we'll remember through the long winter snows and early spring that your return is shortly in comming, and does so quicker with each passing year.
We love you while you are here, and yet with the knowing of your soon return, we will miss you not so much as if you were gone forever, ner to return.

Good night sweet lady of summer, goodnight...until we greet each other again, I say goodnight with a smile upon my lips...goodnight.

Have you ever applied for a certian job, got the job and than the job you ended up doing wasn't the job you applied for and got hiered for?

I know it sounds like a toung twister, yeah say that ten times and then we'll see how clear headed you are.

Well, that's my job. I was hired for one thing and have done more to be trained for several other things while the thing I applied for is not the main thing I'm doing.
I feel at times like I was sold a bill of goods because no one wants this job.

The job itself is a job in its self, being one that if that's all I did could be a full time job. But the job I was actually hired for is about 4 or 5 jobs rolled into one and it's expected that I do the job I was hiered for and all the other stuff too in a part time frame work.

If I had known what they wanted I would have never applied for the job. From the discription they put out there it sounded like many similar jobs I have done in the past.
I was more than qualified for the job.

I know this all sound really vague, and if you are now confused and scratching your head, you are feeling exactly how I feel at the end of every day that I work.

The information I get from the people above me is bits and peices and fragmented and not clear at all. I've had to talk to people who have done this job for this company and they all have been kind enough to tell what this job truely entails, and when I get enough energy to do so, I'm going to bake them cookies as a thank you, but until I straighten out this mess the cookies will have to be a distant goal.

I wish people would tell the truth when they look for aplicants for any job, be honest and it could end up in some amazing results, like a person showing up who can do it all and more.

I can mulitask, but if its alot of confusion comming at me, I tend to be like a deer who is caught in head lights.

So now class that we are all clear on that, take tab "A" put it in slot "D" while cutting line "F" into a shape of a thingy that looks something like an upside down monkey, but if you don't stop at the dotted line, which arn't on the page at all you just have to know where they are and no one is going to tell you because your suppose to know that simply because of the upside down monkey thingy shape, your not stupid, we know your intelligant and have seen this shape before.
We don't care how much you deny it.

So after comming to the dotted line take a sharp left turn and when your finished cleaning the dark hole at the end of the closet, put tab "r" directly into the monkey's eye.
I know we forgot to include the monkey's eye and it's vital to the sucess of the completion of your work day, but the person who had this job before you didn't tell us where they put the monkey's eye so you'll just have to find it, because we couldn't be bothered with finding it before we hiered you.
Is that clear class? Good. I'm glad no one raised their hand on that, lets me know you all know what I'm talking about.
Now your an expert.
We have unrealistic expectations as we know you do as well, so good luck and remember everything we've taught you, now go do your job.

In all of life we come face to face with different things that do something to how we view things.
It's part of life.
It is the way of things.

We become part of a landscape that our reaction to the events of our lives creates for us to walk about in.

When I thought about what to write to show up at the end of each of my posts, I thought about how my life is fragmented, and how when people meet me they only see parts.
Most of the time, people are in my life for only a short while,
taking what they need, but not wanting to stay long enough to find out what more there is.

That is the way of my life.

Rejection feels like rocks sometimes, and so do ugly words or setaments. So does having people look at you and put you into a box because of the clothes you wear, your body size, or even if you do things that seem unoridnary.

People are funny critters after all.

They make so many snap decisions that in the end prove out to be something of red herring when it comes to "knowing" other people.

One of the lovely things about having only your words to let people see who you are is that all the normal distractions are removed so that they are forced, if you will, into seeing something more.

I am the mirror cracked,
glass upon the floor
looking up at you
needing help
but not knowing how to ask
I stand naked and bare
wanting you
to do more
than see me as broken
a life worth nothing
because I'm in peices
so I watch
and wait
and hope...

In this time in history there are so many things that happen every day to people like you and me that cause so much damage, and have the potential to turn us into ugly cincial rock throwers...but we have a choice.

To keep our heart intact, and try to see the heart of the person were standing next to or the person we see on the street dressed in rags, or even the drunk who lives in and out of dumpsters.
There is a real person in there, with a life we know nothing about.

You look at me
make decisions
put me in a box
when you have the choice
to let me out
and all the while
my soul
is screaming
screaming
as the rocks come flying
I fit your need
to have someone
as a guilty party
so that you can feel better
about the things
your ashamed of...

I live on the outside of most of the circles that people move in.
I tend to move in and out of thoes circles, going unnoticed, until someone finds me with a great need in their lives, and then they zero in on me like a homing beacon, and there I am,
this person with something they need. To them, I am nothing more.
I give what I have so that they can go on in their lives.
That is the way of my life.
In ordniary circumstances, if everything was fine in their lives they would dismiss me as another "freak" who was consistant with all their feelings about who and what freaks are, and they would throw rocks.
They have. And I've ended up bleeding inside because of thoes rocks.
I have scars inside from their judgements. I was never worth more than what they could take or needed to take from me.
That is the way of my life.

I am so lovely
in the mirror cracked.
All naked and bare
bleeding on the inside
tired
so lovely are the peices
as they reflect the sky
but they are broken
and the only response
you know
because you don't want to know
who I am
is to pick up another rock
and take aim...

A man walked a long a dusty road and as he walked something caught his eye.
He made his way to the thing that was half hidden in the tall grass.
He wasn't sure what it was, but upon examining it found it to be parts of a what apeared to be a book, his first thought was this is junk.
He was about to throw it back in the grass when the wind caught some of the pages and an inscription caught his eye.
It read:

"To my beloved,

I am so sorry for all that you endured. I know that your time in the death camps were filled with terror's I cannot immagine, but luckily you were only there a few months and escaped death many times. It is truely a sad time when men turn against men and seek to distroy them.
If they do this in the green wood, immagine then what happens in the dry.

I love you, and my hopes and prayers are with you.
Until you are safe in my arms."

It struck him, this deep sentament, and realized that this was important to someone, and it was somehow lost.
His eyes filled with tears.

Immagine what would have happened if he had never taken the time to stop and look at what was hidden in the grass, or upon seeing it was a "wrecked" book just passed on by.
There are so many things that are looked upon in this world as being worthless, just because they arn't something we like. Things of great value, things that mean much.

Such a time is this, that men take what only tickles their fancy and disregards what may have great vaule to their lives...

just something to think about

Pick up anything, a spoon, a newspaper, a coin, a flower and get real close. What do you see?

How often do we go through life missing the little things that make something what it is?

To notice the details of anything is a compliment to the thing itself. To marvle at it's structure and wonder how it was made and the hands of the person or people who made it is amazing. It leads to a deeper type of learning, and from all accounts an important one.

It's important to notice details because it helps you remember.
When it comes to the people in your life it's actually an act of love that can make a huge difference in how you look at them and the emotional investment you make.

Looking for details is like detective work that can last a life time. And it's worth the time it takes. How many people in your life right now can you tell what they are looking for just by the look on their face?
Can you tell when they are happy or sad, or just trying to figure out something?
What color do their eyes become when their mood changes?

All details.

Life is so short. Too short in fact. Sometimes the most precious of people come into our lives and there isn't enough time to learn everything that makes them who they are.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was 19 and have all the knowledge I do now. I would take more time and learn more about the people who were around me. Not that all of thoes people were pleasant, but the things about them were. Some of thoes people are gone now, my father being one.

If I would have paid more attention to the details of who he was I would have understood something years before the revelation I got three weeks before he died.
That he would never tell me that he was proud of who I was as a person, or that he was glad I was his daughter.

If I had known how important details were back then, I would have stopped trying to do something, anything to make him proud of me. It was a waste. Years of wasted time.

I learned about the importance of noticing details as my children were born and as they grew up.
Now it's elementry to my life.
I've learned over the years that the greatest compliment you can give anyone is to notice the details of who they are. It's a gift that you give them without it ever being noticed as a gift.
It makes them feel like you really do care about more than just surface things, or what they can do for you.
And it can and does help you understand why they do some of the things they do.

Then there is the process of learning about you. The details of who you are.
I heard it said that the greatest book you will ever read is about you. The pages turn, being new everyday, and what you do and say is what is written.

Just a few thoughts...

Turn the glass
round and round
look through
and see the world
for the hundreth time
or the first.

Pull it close
the prisimatic orb
and tell me
what you see.
Purples and greens
bouncing
singing
in time
and out again
as you move your head.

Open a window
close your eyes
feel your senses
let them take hold
give you wings
give you clues
to who you are
and where you've come from.

The face in the glass
your reflected eye
look deeper
and remember.
Your only seeing
on place
one time
at a time
maybe if
we could see
like bees
and other flying insects
it would make more sense
making us feel
not so lost
or so alone
trapped in a shell
that at least for now
we
with trepidation
call home.