harold_maude's journal

Up to this point my journal enteries have been a series of rambling thoughts, how things work at the moment they show up in my head and a view of something. And I suppose that's fine. It serves a purpose.
Escaping the madness of how reality can be sometimes...an inlaw you would love to duct tape to a chair...and so on.
Baisicly therapy without the cost involved.
The frustrations of the last few weeks have been mounting and I'm loosing my grip. I see so much mindless apathy out there every time I go into the city. No one gives a shit. People loose their jobs, people move to new cities hoping that things will be different, but it's the same all over.
I talked to a man who runs a small resturant the other day and he said something that gave substance to what I've been seeing and feeling, no one gives a shit. Very little has value any more, money is all and everything, including people are just another commodity.
It's frustrating. That's the best word that I can find for how I feel right now. Actually there arn't adaquate words for how I feel, just words that are reconizable. Sometimes there are no words for the deep sad sighs that your soul feels I guess.
I hate the fact that so many companies are outsourcing jobs over seas when people here are starving.
I hate the media for all the crap that's presented as news, when in fact it's just another form of entertainment.
I quit watching the news several years ago when I decited to see how many stories of death, distruction and basicly bad shit there were.
Any thing good or hopefull or light hearted was a blurb at the end of a half hour of sports and really bad crap and the weather.
So I quit watching. I kept reading things like National Geographic because it has keep it's sense of what it was ment to do, even though now the first 20 or so pages are nothing but advertising.
I was looking through several magazines today looking for watch faces for my latest art project and what caught my eye was this repeating theme through the pages: Be thin, be sexy, be perfect and own this, NOW!!!!!!!! we want your money, if you do this the right way your lover will never be unfaithful, try this and she will melt in your arms.
I found my self feeling like anything human was being ripped away...and the really hard part about it all was for the realization that the next generation comming up to voting age
this is a normal way of life.
We are a lost people, I think, who don't know anymore who we are, and any belief's we had went somewhere, even though there are strong holds of individuals who hang on to themselves, this society either sees them as freaks or hero's, and everything else in between is being shoved into the cookie cutter mold of uniformity.
...and that's just the tip of the frustrations that flooded my day...

The crust that has formed suddenly begins to break. The sound resembles breaking ice or a glass that has encountered too much stress.....
This is what my head is like most days. There are so many thoughts that crowd around in there that in addition to my on line journals I keep a couple going all at the same time.
...The contents, under sever pressure now begin to escape their confines and flood out as if pushed by some massive unseen force. Room in this container is at a premium...
It starts before I go to sleep and continues in my dreams and increases upon waking.
....it hits the walls of the room with such force that there are stains left half way up...
When I'm in a crowd of people it's like being locked in a room with lots and lots of speakers connected to high powered stereo equipment all turned at high volume. I can feel their emotional state, and sometimes see inside.
....the state of being overwhelmed is constant here. Pictures flash upwards from the flow which has now taken on the appearance of swirling colors much like an oil slick. Everything from the over flow is screaming for attention...
I've never known a time of no thought. I've often wondered what would happen if I were to go into a depravation tank. Hmmmmm..I wonder if my brain would explode or collapse in on it self.
I've read that we only use 10% of our total brain power. I wonder what having the other 90% active would be like.
Would I be able to fly at will? Would I be able to look at my body and become someone different?
Could I stop the maddness of war with a thought, or stop hunger all over the world?
Could I take the money I have and turn it into millions in an instant? I would love to put that up as an add somewhere for all of thoes out there like me who try and try and fail without fail to take on new ventures.
I wonder...with the way my brain works now, so on over load all the time, if the other 90% were up and running would I need to write so much? Maybe my thoughts would become literal things, up and walking around all by themselves. Talking to each other, having wild or quiet lives.
....the pressure is less now, the pain has stilled a bit, and I'm able to put my hands into the flow. I feel the warm and cold of it, all at once. Inspiration takes hold, but I can't keep up no matter how fast I work to capture the immages on paper....
I think the reason this is a constant state of my head is because I never learned how to stop it as a child, I didn't want to, it's like having constant adventures and never going anywhere. From what I've been told by people who use drugs that alter your perception that what they experience is like this. I know that's the reason I've always turned down any invations to take any of thoes drugs. I can hardly handle what I experience now, can you immagine what would happen if I took any of thoes things? I would probably try to fly, and find the reality of gravity waiting for me at the base of some tall building.

It seems that I have all this time at the moment. I've been trying to sort things out but with little sucess.
I think sometimes in life it would be awesome if someone with more experience in life type stuff would just show up with the answers to the questions....but maybe that would be like cheating on your final exams...well maybe not. We talking about life type stuff and there are no exams just a whole lot of tests.
Wouldn't it be great if you could see how you scored on life tests. You could use the results as a gauge how to change the problems that keep cropping up.
I wish it was that easy. But usually what ends up happening is that you keep having to do the same tests over and over until you stop doing the same thing expecting different results.
That, by the way is the definition of insanity.
There is no normal either, for all you students of phsycology. Normal is the setting on a dryer. And I don't know about you, but I hardly resemble a dryer. Maybe a bottle of dishwashing soap at times, but never a dryer.
I've known a few people who reminded me of washing machines.
And a few people who reminded me of a bottle of pinesol.
But I've never met anyone who I could say was normal.
That's what's so cool about humans, we're all weird and quirky and full of the most amazing stuff, and it comes out in the strangest of curcumstances.
And it's all that weird stuff that makes people do stupid human things that hurt other people and themselves.
We are capable of so much more than we think. And we often sell ourselves so short, we might as well walk around with half our clothes on. At least if we did that it might make us think a bit before undertaking some of the things we do, and it might make us a little more patient with other's who are doing stupid human stuff too.
There might be less to fight about and more to talk about.
And less differences than we think. For the most part, it's the stuff that doesn't matter that we worry about the most, and the outside, that is in the constant state of decay that we put the most value on, and miss the really important stuff, what's inside a person. That's where the really valuable stuff is, and it doesn't age or have trouble walking from age, or die or do anything our skin does....see I told you I had too much time on my hands...I get this way when this happens...I think too much and look at big pictures and end up talking to myself.
I promise not to worry until I start answering myself, ok?

Life is like a bowl of ...well, anything really. Anything you put in that bowl and then start eating will end up be comming part of you and then you are part what ever you've eaten. The comparasion of life being like a bowl of something has been used to help people who are having trouble seeing the big picture step back and get a better view.
Personally if I have a piano then the view is really great. You get music with the big picture.
Stepping back to see things is ok, except if there is a curb and you arn't aware of it then when you get there you will go down and find your self well aquanted with parts of the street where they push all that stuff that was in the middle getting in the way of on comming traffic.
So it's really a matter of looking back before you step back to get a view of the big picture.
I love the idea of having a last outpost because it's like having the last cookie in the bag and you get to enjoy it while everyone else just has memories of the other cookies. Not a bad thing when you think about it....hmmmmmmm wonder if there are any cookies left...