harold_maude's journal

Loosing sleep as we chase daylight

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# 28380

In the insterest of the day, I would like to take a moment and reflect on this time of year...namely daylight savings time.

It's an annual event to which we are subject to and it throws everything out of wack for a few days while the adjustment is made to getting up an hour earlier, something that someone invented somewhere.

I don't know who it was, but to them I would like to say this:
it sucks.
The old dead guys that were here a long time ago didn't change their work times just because the days got shorter. They just moved with the seasonal changes and continued what they were already doing. Getting the harvest in, or at least the last of it and getting things ready for winter.

No big deal, but this...man, what a mess. If you have to get up early for work anyway, this messes with how long you get to sleep.
If your used to going to bed around 10 or 11 or even later, when you try to do it earlier and your not sleepy, by the time you finally do fall asleep you get less than last night.

I know the logic behind doing the daylight savings thing, it adjusts our work and school days to the sun.
But tell that to a mom who is dealing with trying to get an infant on a feeding schedual so she can finally get some sleep.

And what about the person who goes to work at 3 or 4 am? This all is so sucky.
I'm protesting.
I know by next weekend it won't matter, we will all have done this change the clock thing and our sleep habits will fall in line, but it's stupid.

I'm done compalining now.

Friday morning, 8:52 am

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# 28359

I'm trying to get some semblance of order to my life these days.
A routine that is flexable and will make the best use of the time before me.

I've discovered the need for things that I don't have to rely on anyone else for.
Depending on people to do their part in making something work is not always so depenable.

The job I have has driven that point home. Several times last week things came up at the last minuet and I ended up having to do something someone else was suppose to do. Needless to say the work I had to get done, didn't get done completely.
The first time it happened it didn't bother me too much, but when it kept happening, I started getting angry because I was put in a possition that I shouldn't have been.

I know I'm not the only person out there who has had this experience. It's maddening when it happens because it creates unnessary stress and messes with the day big time.

So as a result I've decited that in my own life I need things that I don't have to depend on anyone else for.

I think it will help give me a feeling of some kind of security that has been lacking for a while.

I found out when I took this job that the expectations that came with it were extreemly high, and I've worked hard to not only meet the expectations but exceed them.
I have come to the conculsion that if things keep happening the way they have been and I'm doing everything I can to make things be what their suppose to be, and nothing changes, then I need to find a new job.

I've been told that I'm the first person in a very long time who has held this possition that actually cares what happens and is actually doing somthing to effect change.
What I'm running into is apathy, on several key people's part.
That is a nasty monster to try to conquor. It's kind of like trying to raise up a dead horse.

I also found out that no one wants the job I have because it requires so much in a very short amount of time. After being here for just a little while, and running into the problems I have I can understand why no one wants the job.

A few days ago I talked to a couple of people who had this job before me and they spent most of their time angry and frustrated and finally gave up and walked away from it.
At the present time I believe I have what it takes to make the nessessary changes so that it will be different, but as I've discovered, I can only do so much. And I know that's what's led to the realization I need things in my personal life that are dependant on me doing them. At least I know I can count on me to do them.
It will help with the stress and take away some of the feeling of madness that goes with this job.

I hope I'm right about this. I would hate to go bald from this job. I don't have a perfectly round head so me with no hair would look pretty funny.

Thursday night, 8:19 pm......it's dark out there

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# 28342

It's a couple hours after sunset and the cats are kissing up because they want to come in where it's warm.
I can't say that I blame them. Dark. Cold. Not so good.

I know that they can see in the dark better than I can even if I had binoculars but that's no reason to think they have an easier time of it outside than I would.
Well, yes there is a matter of their fur. That would definately make it easier staying outside at night.

If I had fur I might consider it. But I don't so it makes it nessasary for me to stay in a warm climate on these cold and growing colder nights.

I'm in a particular strange mood at the moment and since I don't want to watch some guy puking his guts up on the movie up stairs, I've come down to write strings of disconnected thoughts.
One more brave moment in the day. Still haven't located the chicken....wonder where it's gone off to.

ah no matter, it's in no danger of ending up as the main course on the dinner menu some night. I'm not into eating animals that I've spent time with. It just wouldn't be right.

Random thoughts....I can hear the movie upstairs and it's a messed up conglomeration of strange disjointed moments that make some sense after you watch the thing several times.
Kind of like 2001. A movie that makes no sense, it does if you've waded through the explainations that have been offered as to the part with the strange melting colors that come only after the computer has gone wonkie and decited to do away with every human in the place.

It's more like a mad dream in places that keep coming back in the after math of a long night of drinking.
The day after: not remembering much, with a raging hangover it makes one wonder what drives sane people to pay to get that way.
But as most people who drink to that drunken of a state, the idea of paying to get that way wasn't something high on their list of priorities when they began drinking.
Only aiming for the brass ring of being shit faced.

....go to work, come home, get drunk go to bed....get up, go to work, come home, get drunk, go to bed.
The continuous cycle of the ambitious who are bored out of their minds.

If I was a drinking woman I would have been drunk several hours ago, as things have happened since I wrote about the chicken this morning and I would love to take a sledge hammer to the rest of the day.
But I don't drink that often and when I do, I set out to get drunk which by the time I'm even half way close I want to puke my guts out.
Not a good thing when that blissful state of everything looks better when your drunk is something your aiming for and can't seem to get there.
Not that I don't feel it after one or two shots, but I'm talking the kind of drunken state where if someone beats the crap out of you, you never feel a thing. The true anastesia of the drug that's legal.

I've tried, with fervant ambition to get there. I used to be able to get there with little or no effort.
Ah the good old days, where it was easy to make the bed spin, and try to escape the madness that comes the next day in the form of a raging hang over, by staying up all night, or at least trying to.
Hopeing that it would work.

I don't know what happened. Maybe I'm too in control and feel too responsible to do that anymore.

I would like to get drunk tonight. That kind of drunk. But even if I could I have to work in the morning and it sucks working and trying to do a list of tasks when all you want to do is stay in bed.
So much for an easy escape from how I feel. So much for not feeling this crap. I hope it will be gone in the morning.
If not it will be just as bad as a hang over only I will have no reasonable excuse as to why I feel so shitty.

Thurdsday afternoon, 12:30 pm.....the chicken is missing

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# 28321

About a week ago the lone chicken we have here made an attempt to take a trip and see something more than farm life.
It got up into the back end of the truck that belongs to one of the guys here and hid out.

Since this chicken is a free ranger, and is not kept in a pen or barn, the fact that it goes somewhere sometimes and we can't find it, made what happened possible.

I think sometimes the chicken goes into the trees and plots the take over of the farm. It's a tough little bird and will take on any cat or dog for that matter when food is up for grabs.

Anyway, the chicken, which was now hiding out, ended up being taken to work. When Mic, the guy who owns the truck, got to work, he didn't notice the extra passanger.

He works at the local harley shop, so that's where the chicken ended up. She wasn't taken notice of until someone who stopped to buy parts saw something strange running around between the bikes and cars.

I'm not sure if they chased her inside the shop, but Mic's dog oreo, got wind of the chicken and decited to go do some investigation.

I'm sure the chicken was intent in contuing her adventure, but ended up being captured and securly locked up in the back of the truck in a box.

A couple of days later, the chicken, now a traveler of sorts, decited that she wanted to escape again.
She hid out again in the back of Mic's truck and ended up going several hours down south of here.
I think she's got itchy feet or feathers.

Again she was discovered and made the trip back ok. I haven't seen her for a couple of days. I wonder if she escaped again or is just hiding out plotting again.

She's a pretty strange bird, but then everything out here is pretty strange so her taking off didn't really surprise me.
We had possums that were so laid back that they were hanging out with the other chickens, when we had them, and the cats and never bothered any of them.
From what I've been told about possums, that's not normal for a possum to not be agressive.
This farm seems to have that effect on both animals and people who come here.
We had a rooster named Betty who would kung foo certian people and why no one ever figured out.
Some people he was ok with, and he never beat any of the cats up but there were some people he would kung foo.
I think some wandering animal got him and the rest of the chickens except our traveling chicken.

We've watched the chicken and she thinks she's a cat. I've seen her laying on her side grooming her feathers, like a cat does when it's sunning itself. I've also seen her rolling in the dirt like a cat does. I know she has seen oreo get up into the truck, and this chicken being who she is followed suit.

She is one weird bird. We haven't named her yet, but several ideas have come up, like betty too, and super cat, and dog, all of which I'm sure she would take too.
Oh yeah, on occasion when we call kitty kitty, she's the first one to show up.

I hope she hasn't gone somewhere, I would really miss her. She's such a strange catbird.

Wensday morning

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# 28278

I've got a short shift today, and I'm pleased about that. What ever there is that I've got to do when I get there I'll only have to think about it for 4 hours.

That's not alot of time in a 24 hour chunk of time. Even an 8 hour shift isn't alot of time when you think about it.

It's just something that exists durring the cycle of the world rotating around the sun.

I'm still trying to figure things out. Maybe there was something to what people like Jack Karoac did, I don't know if I spelled the man's name right, but at this point it's not a big worry on my list of things to worry about.

When things went black at the beginning of august there was a question that kept rolling over and over in my head. It never found an answer and it's come back again.

The question is, "for what?"

It's a huge question, one that takes up many hours, days weeks and sometimes years for some people.
For me it's now one of the things I keep bumping into every few days.
It's the one that makes you take a look at your life and gets in your face, messes up and feelings that feel good and stares at you and asks "why are you doing what your doing, and for what?"

It's here again this morning and the effect it's having reminds me of the all of the games of spider solitare that I have played where nothing makes sense and the lines just keep adding up and no matter how I try to shift things around it just ends up looking like one huge mess.

I find myself wishing that another person would show up who's been through this and sit down with me and just listen and then show me the road that would be best to take.

It's a strange thing when you feel like life is a messed up package that makes no sense, and there is this crazy quesion that drives you nuts and makes you feel like shit because you have no answers that make any sense at all.

I watch people going about their lives. It's almost like they have some kind of program going that gives them the next thing on the list and they just do it. And believe their lives are full and complete.
While other's go about things like the wind was their dancing partner and what ever flies, flies.
And they seem very content in the uncertianty of things.

Last night I was talking to one of the guys here and we were talking about health insurance and for a long time I've been at the place where I fight wanting to go off somewhere and wait for death. See what happens when the elements beat me up. See how long it would be before my survival instinct kicked in.
What I'm made of and how strong I really am, knowing that I would most likely end up dying in the fight.

From my perspective going out like that, where it doesn't hurt anybody, or doesn't cost any body anything is reasonable.

Anyway, we were talking about it, and I told him that I didn't want health insurance. And it made me wonder if I'm following in my father's footsteps. He spent the last 12 years of his life waiting for death.
He'd done everything he wanted to do. Was retired and done with life.
And it sucked watching him. All he did was get up eat, stand at the back window and watch things in his back yard, then eat lunch and take a nap. Get up in time to eat dinner and watch a little tv and then go to bed.
Sometimes the patterns would vary a bit, but basicly that was his life for the last 12 years before he died.

What a waste. I thought it then, and I think it now. But I find myself being pulled into the same mentality and it sucks.
I don't want to spend how ever long I've got left on this planet waiting for death. And for the last 4 years it's been there off and on, like a monster waiting to eat me alive.

So here I am now, caught in between looking at the way that the world is, or at least this country with all it's vast waste habbits and that thing looking at me and demanding I answer the question "for what?"
And the other thing of "there is no purpose in getting up and going to work just so you can eek out a megar living and have nothing to show for your life, so why not just stop, get in the car and go off somewhere and die."

I don't have any answers, I need answers, but there is no one able to walk in my skin so that they can see what I may have missed in the equasion.

Ya know, living in this skin is sometimes a very lonely place.
Even when you have faith, it still feels awefully lonely sometimes.

it feels like glass that can't stop being shattered.
It's headed for the wall, because something bigger than it picked it up and sent it flying.

it feels like a storm that won't go away. And no matter what you do, when you go outside your gonna get beat up by the storm.

I wish it felt like spring inside, all the way around the garden instead of the after math of a massive on going dust storm.

Oh well, I need to get ready for work, another day another dollar I guess. Another month inside under a roof instead of living up close and personal with the trees.
Oh well.

Days off

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# 28226

Today is a day off. My head is still in a strange place, but then it usually is after work, but the effects of work last well into any day off I have.

It's a strange thing to feel like time gets rubbery.
I've had discussions with one of the roommates here about time and space and the theory of relativity.
I had been wondering if it was possible for a person to fold time.
Seeing as how we use only 10% of our brain, I wondered if, with enough focused concentration a person could fold the time frame they were occuping and move faster through the surrounding space.
The example I had to offer, which by the way is one of many experiences I've had over the years, was this:
I've had an appointment at a certian time and had to travel a certian number of miles to get there.
From past experience the time needed to arrive on time was say 30 minuets.
There have been several occasions that I have left my point of origin in half the time needed and never exceeded the speed limit and arrived early.
I had no way according to the known laws of relativity to explain how this occured.

So with this in mind and with what happens at work and time and the on going effects after I wondered if it was possible that under certian conditions that time could become elastic and pliable.

We discussed what time was and what the laws of relativity were and according to the frame work of what science understands there is nothing to support what I've experienced.

But how do you argue with experience, espcially if it's reoccured more than once?

If we were able to increase the amount of brain activity we used what would that do to our relationships to the known 4 dimensions?

At the moment what I'm experiencing is a strange spacial phaseing.
Things in this place seem to move at different paces, the sounds of people voices, people themselves and the movement of the sun.
At times it seems and feels almost surreal. And no I'm not on any kind of hallucigen, if anyone is wondering, so I don't know how to explain the experience.
I suppose it could be termed as spacing out, but I'm extreemly aware of all my surroundings.

Another effect that occurs durring this experience is that things that people say don't always regester and I end up with this blank look on my face as if I've been listening to someone speaking a foriegn language.

If I were to discribe what it feels most like I would have to say it's almost as if I step out of time completely and are both here and somewhere else, but am aware of both places at once.

Another thing I've noticed is that I will see things in the same way that happens when you look at thoes three-3 pictures that you have to look at and then as you do things shift so that you can see the immage with in the immage.

Maybe it's just me. I don't fear it, or feel like I'm loosing my mind or touch with reality, but it's an odd repeating occurance that makes me wonder if it's possible that time does things that are outside the laws that science says govern it.

I know there have been on going experiments done by people who connect their minds over great distances and from what I've read about people who have acivated their merkaba they have seen things that there was no physical way possible for them to see.

There is so much we don't know, so many unanswered questions, and even with all the discoveries made by brilliant people out there, it's still very limited.

I know there will be some questions raised as to maybe this is all just my immagination, and I've considered that, but when I've had the experiences I've discribed and I'm fully awake and arrive early in just a few minuets rather than the full amount of time it takes given the millage and going the speed limit, I don't know how else to view it.

Is time different that what we know it as?
Is relativity just an expression for what we see but have no acurate and true language to discribe what it really is?

I know by tomorrow the side effects of what happens at work will stop, and everything will go back to normal.
I just wish when I go through this I could grab someone else and pull them into the same space and let them see what I do, maybe they could explain what it is and why it happens.

I don't think this is normal, at least not the normal life experience for most people on the planet.
Maybe I've found a way to escape time and just don't realize it.
Wish I knew the answers to the questions.
Maybe then all of this wouldn't be so strange.

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