harold_maude's journal

You can tell I live in the city. Just sit in my living room and before the night is out, you hear sirens.
They seem to go on forever sometimes.

Tonight, there is a fire somewhere. I just heard an ambulance and then more sirens.
The sounds of a city, with lots of things going on.
Not events that are held in some big theatre or arena crammed to the rafters or nosebleed section making lots of noise and lots of other sounds.
No these sounds are the sounds that happen when people exist in a large group.

I hear alot of cars. We are close enough to one of the interstates that come through here to see the traffic.
At the same time I live with in walking distance to a spread out park.

Sometimes the city reminds me of what a work of art would look like if you took parts of a few pissaco's and threw in some salvior dali and added a few parts of any refrigerator art that you have or have access to. Something with alot of moving unrelated parts.
Each arguing their validity and why they are the most important of all the peices.
That's what the city reminds me of at night when I can hear it just outside at a relativly close distance.

There have been alot of helicopters flying over head at night here lately as well.
And then there are the sounds inside. Back ground noise in the form of a mix of dryer, the dryer still works...and some ambiant music.

It makes me wish sometimes that I had a portal that I could just walk through and be anywhere. I know that's the stuff science fiction is made of but, it would still be nice to have.

I'd have a place waiting somewhere, on the beach. With miles and miles of sand and the sound of the ocean and that wonderful smell. yes I know it can smell of fish really bad, but the smell that I'm talking about is that warm sea smell on a perfect summer day.
The kind of day that you keep in your head and it becomes sanctuary when everything in your world isn't where it should be.

I'd have a cool house there. A greenhouse too. And places set up like different kinds of gardens. A very beautiful japanese garden, with a waterfall.
An english garden with well manicured hedges and lots and lots of roses everywhere.
A roman garden with collums and steps everywhere.
And a vast pond that you could walk down underneath and see the world through the water above your head.
I'd have a couple of really huge waterfalls going on.
I'd have one be like the one in Hawaii that is like a series of glass slides...a thousand kisses on your skin...I think that's one of it's names.

The house would be connecting sacred geometry shapes, with stained glass sections so that when the sun would come to that area the rooms it was hitting would be bathed in different colors.
There would be several bathrooms with hot tubs just outside on a deck attached to the bathroom.

There would be a solarium where species of plants that needed to be kept alive and that the world is loosing through pollution and development and deforestation.
The greenhouses would be user friendly...everything edible grown in raised bed gardens at the perfect height so that anyone could garden there, even someone who is in a wheelchair.

Yes, to my utopian world I would bring people who are in wheel chairs, and kids sometimes too and their parents too, so that they could actually spend time with their kids doing somthing wonderful instead of always being on thoes grows called cell phones.

I would bring them a few at a time. So as not to disturb the peace there.
I would make sure there were drum circles and fires at night on the beach...

This is my utopian escape. And if by some amazing happenstance someone with a ton of resorces and money decited to show up in my life tomorrow and wanted to make this real, then I would make sure that everyone I know would have a chance to spend time there.
Leave everything that demands life of you and gives nothing back for just a little while so that you can once again get aquainted with you and what real rest can feel like.

The other thing I would insist about being there is that when you go through the portal and go there, that time would stop.
So you could stay for years, never age and when you came back, the next moment to this one would be happening.

I can immagine if this were possible, we'd all go there and never come back. Or maybe we'd just go there after a tough day and stay for 10 years and when we got back we wouldn't remember what we were so upset about.

How different the world might be if we could just stop and think before doing things in a panic or doing things out of anger or hate or predijus, or jealousy, or selfishness.
How different would our view of our purpose be if we could stop long enough to take a breath and get a good view of who we really are and what our best and brightest possiblity is.

Very often I have found that life and the grind of the demands that allow us to eat, stay warm and dry and have everything that modern life tells us will make our life more convient and better in the long run so we have to have it kind of thing, take away more of what is actually the most valuable thing we own, and that is the care and feeding of everything we are.

My utopia. But I know that utopias can only exist somewhere where the world can't get to them.
The first person with a selfish adjenda that walks into a utopia it ceases to be a utopia, it's money in the bank and make it something else.

So maybe it's a good thing when a person finds one of thoes places and keeps it to themselves.
Sounds selfish I know, but would you blame them?

I've a had a few utopian moments here and there in my life.
And a few places as well that I adopted as my utopia.
The truth is that when the people weren't there that's when they were perfect.

And thoes of us who want that, write about it, paint and draw and sculpt it, put it to music.
We create our version of it for the world to see.

I realize that for some, the city is utopia in some form. The perfect place.
And to thoes I say more power to them. Someone has to love the city, otherwise we wouldn't have all the amazing buildings all over the world that we do, and the art galleries and the fountians built of concrete and dreams in stone.
We wouldn't have libraries filled with the words and worlds of thousands of people who wanted and had something to say in a way that anyone could hear them.
And inspite of my idea of utopia, I do apreaciate what people have created who love the idea of city.

I've wondered sometimes, if dreams can be a door into that place we see as utopia.
That would be a nice dream, any time anywhere.
Maybe that's what over the rainbow is for who ever, that place that is their utopia.
Could be, maybe.

I've been looking at youtube alot lately. Alot of stuff to see.
Alot of history on there, things from past shows that are no longer on the air, and things that people have caught on camera and have put out there for the world to see.

I saw something today and for the first time it hit me, that this land I love is being herded into a place where the word freedom may become something we won't be able to speak outloud for very much longer.

I saw what appears to be concentration camps here in america.
They stand empty now, but if things keep going the way they are they won't be empty for very much longer.

I watched a movie the other night called "zietgeist" And it scared me. Truely scared me. I had heard many things about the govement, and have seen many terrible things happen in this country in the last 5 or so years. But this movie, it scared me.
It was eye opening in a way that makes me understand that the saying "if they do this in the greenwood, immagine what they will do in the dry" is about.

I have been having more dreams about terrible wars and terrible loss of life. Thoes dreams scare me, because they are so real, tangable.

Other things have begun to make me feel the tide of the terrible rising, people who go about life seemingly oblivious to anything but the mall and shopping and the latest reality crapola that is being churned out of the hollywood pit.

It would seem that there is a mass effort to put people to sleep.
The freedom to speak one's mind is now something that a person has to be careful about because someone might take it wrong, and everything could just collapse in on a person.

It reminds me of what I've read in the history books about the salem witch trials.

There is something else that I read a long time ago, that when the rulers of a country are honorable men, just in all they do, the land and the people will prosper, but when wicked men come into power the people suffer much...that is a rough translation, but through out history we can see the truth of that.

Absoult power corrupts absoulty. And the whole of humanity suffers.
See on this planet it isn't seperate nations that should be our concern, but it should be that we are all connected because we are all of the same species, human....
It's not the color or belief system that defines us, it's the fact that we all have the same thing going on....WE ARE ALL HUMAN!
I wish the goverments of the world would stop using the people under their care to fight their wars.
I would love to see a huge rock um sock um all out go for the works battle, and the players brought on to the field would be all the leaders of every country that has a problem with another country. Let them beat the crap out of each other, and leave the rest of us alone to live in peace with each other.

I've met people from many places, and guess what they are all really nice folks. What we discover is that outside of difference in clothes and a few problems with speaking different languages, they basicly want the same thing as me.
To live a life that is peaceful and happy.

It's the leaders that have the problem. And what makes me really sad is that they send thousands of husbands, wives, sons and daughters into wars that thoes leaders never go near.
They won't send their kin to fight their war, so they send someone elses.
And the sad truth is that when you look at it, thoes people, just like you and just like me are considered expendable.
It sucks.

The leaders need to just knock it off and grow up.

So much fun! Doing laundry at the laundry matt when you have almost no soap left, courtsy of our friend who broke the washer, yes he took it upon himself to use almost an entire bottle of laundry soap that I bought...thank you so much!
And not alot of money left either since this was somthing not planned for when I got paid last time.

If I ever see this person again I will in fact hand him the bill for the washer, the soap and all the trips to the laundry matt as interst on his bill.
Come to find out he had laundry facilities at his house...so why come to do it at my house?
What a jerk!!!!!

That's all I could think about when I was there this morning.
All I wanted to do was scream.
It doesn't help that last night all night I kept falling asleep only to run into nightmears that were world disaster in nature.
What a fun night!
I got about 2 full hours of sleep last night.

I'm not a happy camper today because on top of it, I found out that once again I'm over drawn at the bank.
How that happened I'm not sure, but I am determined that it's not going to happen again.

I feel like I'm caught in some kind of dark whirl pool at the moment and things arn't clear at all.
So, all I can do right now is figure out what kind of money is needed to fix everything.
It takes money to fix stuff in this world and the way things keep going that stuff, money, isn't going to be worth anything more than something to line the bottom of a bird cage with soon.

It would be nice if things got straightened out quickly, but that's a nice dream right now.

Over the last several months a certian activity has been on the increase. And since this is the most sane place to put anything I need to pull apart and write about here is where it gets put.
Not in a private place because I have found when searching the deep emotional states that we all have, very often someone will find it and not understand what is going on.

Wrong interpretations on any level can be quite disasterous.
So, it gets put here.

Just a note before I start, I really appreciate that this place is still here. It is my santuary in plain sight.
That's what I need right now.

Ok. How to go about this? I did think about putting this into the phillosophy or science forum, but it's hardly clear enough for me to try to figure it out, and if I'm the one looking at it and am having a hard time discribing it to me, then how am I going to say in words something that someone else will understand?

The human language is a real problem sometimes. It would be wonderful if we were all covered with little receptor sites that when anyone wanted to get a hold of you they would just send a little line of light and it would connect and you would instantly understand what they are saying from their point of view, no filters that you have in the way to keep you from getting the message loud and clear.

That would be wonderful. The receptor sights would have to have some kind of accept or decline mode so that we wouldn't be going crazy from hearing everyone on the planet talking and feeling all at once.

That's what brings me to what is going through my head tonight.
Over the several of months I have noticed something that is getting more pronounced.
It's this, the best discription I have for it is that I will be doing something and all of the sudden I will start feeling something in a certian part of my body and it's very acute in nature, kind of like a buzzer telling me someone is on the line so to speak, and I start going through the lists of people I know and when the person it's connected to comes up it gets very loud and sharp. If a physical feeling can be classified as loud and sharp.

So I start thinking about that person and immages start going through my head. Then there are the emotions that start up.
Thoes are real buggers because since this is so new relativly speaking, I'm still having trouble knowing what's me and what isn't.
I end up watching and waiting and with in 2 to 3 days tops it's confirmed that yes, they were the person on the line.

This is strange place to be in. I would love to talk to someone who has had this kind of thing going on for years and knows what I'm talking about and can help me get some kind of handle on the full scope of it.

There is the friend who is pregnant and everytime she is on the line the bottom of my rib cage feels pressure. Not bad pressure, but like being wrapped in a towel.
Another person when they are stressed out I feel it in the left side of my jaw, they usually show up with in a couple of hours.

I'm not sure what all this is. But it makes me wonder if some of the dreams I have that I see people doing things in, people that I know and it makes me feel things is the same kind of thing. Just in dream format.

What I'm feeling is hard to seperate from the emotional states that accompany all of this.
That's part of the reason I am very sure that I have been so exasuted over the last couple of months, that and the weather on top of it.

..well that and a whole lot of things that never seem to ever change....

This is what I'm going through in this arna again tonight, it lasts roughly an hour, what I'm going to discribe, and then it lifts off.
I will be doing what ever and all of a sudden I get extreemly cold, and it becomes waves of cold deep chills.
What this has signified so far is that something bad is going to happen, something that will blow things up, and generally make a huge mess.
the closer to the event, sometimes I get immages as it progresses, but they don't really make sense until after the even happens, and with in a day or two it gets so intense that I get physically ill.
That usually lasts about 24 hours and then goes back to the intense cold chills.
I've tried to focus on who this is concerning this time, this is day two of this happening.
The last time it was almost 4 months before the event happened.
I got a couple of weeks break and now it's started last night again.

The last time it was just located between my shoulders and knees.
This one is my whole body. That scares me.
To add to this my lower left jaw is on fire, that comes with two people I know.
The emotional state that I have been experiencing for the last few hours before the cold chills came is varying degrees of anger, everything from cold caculated anger, to full out to the edge red.
The problem is right now with trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do with it.
Some of the anger could be from the thing with the washer still screaming around inside.
Some of it could be related to the frustration I feel about things that arn't changing that need to and have no reason that is logical why they haven't yet.

So I really don't know.
In liu of not having an old sage handy, if there is one here, please come out where ever you are....I've started searching the net for information related to this, because I really am going a little crazy on this one.
I need to understand what this is and what I'm suppose to be doing with it, and what I have to do to get better recption and maybe some dialog inclued in that list.

So there it is.

This morning, Saturday March 15, 2008, is something that comes today. Not tomorrow, not all the days before it.
Just today.

When you think about it, there are some pretty amazing things about that truth. The only day of it's kind in human history, time bends to this day and stays here until 12:00 midnight and at 12:01 it will be another unique day in human history.

So, here I am, just as everyone else is in this unique once in a life time place. Pretty awesome. An event that will occur only here only now.
Each minuet that passes into the annals of history, a minuet that becomes forever after just a memory, is now.

But what if time is something other than just what we are preciving it to be? That is the question that has driven my thoughts about time for a very long time. :)

We are just sojourners, very often without realizing that we are.
We are only temporary visiters to this place.
We do not remain the same person either physically, or any other way your beliefs have settled for you or posed as the truth.
What ever they may be, it doesn't change the fact that we are just passing this way. And today is something that won't be here again.
After now it just becomes fact, history, something to be forgotten or remembered, depending on how impacting the events are that collide with you on the road forward.

We are the magical mystery tour of humantity. All of us. The odd duck if you believe we are the only senient beings that exist and are able to make choice and do according to our choice.
If you believe we are not alone, we may not be able to precive the others that exist with us in this universe, than you may have at some point wondered what all the different perceptions that every other being is having about us.

Sometimes I wonder if we are just like them in more ways than our bounderies and comfort zones will allow us to accept as truth.
I wonder about that stuff. Maybe the reason why I spend so much time thinking, because all these strange what if's and why not's keep showing up and messing with my head.
I don't often think about the past anymore, in fact sometimes I have trouble remembering the past.
I know that is existed, and things happened, but living there is not what I want, so I would make a guess and say the reason this stuff can find a voice in my head is because there is room for it in my head.

This morning I was working on a new sculpture, putting the peices together that will be covered in paper mache and then painted and then sealed, this stuff takes time to get done because of the drying and curing time in between each new layer of paper or color or sealant, so there is time to ponder while playing with the stuff.
And this morning as I was doing that, I was thinking about yesterday and all the events that led up to what happened, and I did remember something he said a few weeks ago, that it was hard for him to leave once he got here.
This place for everyone who comes here, ends up being a place where they can just let go and really and truely relax.
It happened to him too, but he just wouldn't go home when the need to lay down and just go to sleep hit him.

I see the same thing with everyone who comes here, they come in stressed or angry or sad and in just a little while, they start yawning. It gets contagous. After a bit, they need to go home and get some sleep.
And they sleep well and peaceful when they leave here.
I think he was getting addicted to it.

I thought about everything that's happenen since the first of the year. The loss of another friend, he left his body because it was his time to.
All the people who came to work where I do and failed and fell apart and left, in a very short amount of time.
The other friends I have that are falling apart and doing stupid things now, things based completely on emotions that are going to end up costing them things that maybe arn't so good to loose.
The changes at work, which have been numerous since the beginning of the year, and the state of exaustion that everyone seems to be suffering under.
I can't do anything about any of that. I can't take back anything or stop the series of events that follow other events.

They are now just encapsulated moments of history.
Just like this will be when I post it.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole idea of what we get when we get what we get, (say that 50 times and see if your tongue hurts)
is based on what shit brakes and how much is falling apart.

Maybe it's all just one big lottery that none of us have any access to. We are just part of it.

These thoughs have to do with my washing machine breaking down.
A couple of weeks ago it was the water freezing and to make sure we had water again, the land lords kindly decited to have it done, and then told me about it.
I paid the bill.

A friend who has of the last few months become somewhat of a moochie pest is leaving town tomorrow and came to use the washer and dryer.
Well, like alot of people out there he overloaded the washer and broke it.
As soon as he realized what he had done, he left, then I found it. He never said shit about it, didn't appoligize or offer to help get it fixed.
Really nice guy.
This is the same guy who has crashed here several nights.
We have had long talks about much...and then he turns into this needy mooch that doesn't seem to think about what he's doing.
I'm glad he's leaving town. Hope he stays gone for a very long time.

I don't understand it. I'm generous with much and all that seems to happen is that the people who I am generous with turn on me and become a problem.
So I end up having to basicly kick them out of my house.
I'm not made of money, and shit costs money.

This happened out at the farm with one of the roommates, the one who is still there from when we were there, he used our laundry soap, never bought groceries but was more than happy to eat the food I would buy and everything else that has to go into running a house hold.

Maybe I should have titled this once again around another mulberry bush...

Now, until I can figure out how to budget for a washer, I'm doing the wash by hand in the tub.
At least work clothes. The rest I can take to the nearest laundry mat this weekend.
Oh joy! more work added to the list.
I'm sooooo happy that I get to do this...

I'm trying to have a sense of humor about all of this, but all I want to do with these folks that end up taking my generousity to mean that I think it's ok if they just start using me until what and when ever, is beat the crap out of all of them with a very large stick.

That's how I'm feeling right now.

I love my generous nature. But it would seem that being generous is a bad thing to do in this world, or at least this town.
I don't want to become some hard bitch with a steel blade for a toungue.
What is the point of that? I'd end up getting ripped up by karma for being like that, but I'm not sure what else is left as an option.

These people don't listen, by the way, so talking to them, which I have, is a pointless activity.

Ah well, enough bitching for one night...I gotta figure out how to deal through this.