hells_angel's journal

It just amazes me how life just seems to be a never ending joke. But the joke will be on them soon enough right. I think the sooner I move out the better I'll be. It happend already. My mom is butting into my relationship. Why can't she just stay out of it. It would be great if she didn't have to talk to him about me. I know in her mind she thinks she is helping me, when in all actuality she isn't helping me at all. All she is doing is making things ackward. But that is the story of my life though. Maybe I oughta just come out and tell my mom that hey worry about your own relationship with your husband because your husband is a recovering alcoholic. *smh* i'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. PMS has nothing to do with it, although it did on Friday. All I did was cry. And all I did today was sleep. Maybe I should just tell him that my wonderful friend decided to show up and when it shows up it just makes me overly emotional...

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable right now. Or maybe I'm just tired, who can tell anymore...all I know is that right now sleep sounds good and my bed which right now is kinda far away from me, looks even better.

Well it's official my life sucks and I'm going to hell. Oh yes since I was born, and baptised catholic I am going to go to hell. I got in a fight with my mother on Monday and needless to say this fight set off everything that is wrong with me into full out war scale trama. The argument was about my brother this time. The thing most people don't understand is that my brother is what you would call the "good son" he helps my mom out money wise, has his own car. And right now since I am depressed...oh wait that's nothing new I have been depressed for a while now...but anyways since his life is looking better than mine I am jealous of him. Alright I admit that. But he doesn't understand the the hell it's like being a 21 year old female who has no dreams left to dream and who doesn't have a job and is living at home and is reminded day in and day out about how pathetic life is. Instead of throwing stuff I started to rip paper and toss it well mom slapped me and it went to hell from there. She threw in my face the fact that I was, am, jealous and that I am not wanted by my dad which drew me over the edge and I grabbed a knife out of the drawer and told her I knew how to end all my problems and hers. I locked myself in my room and turned the volume up on the stereo and listened to my "I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself" cd. I almost did it. I almost stabbed myself in the chest. I kept trying to talk myself into it. But I couldn't...like the damn coward that I am...I couldn't do it. I still don't have a good enough reason to live. I mean yes I would have left behind my boyfriend, and some friends but what's that to anyone anyways. I'm not going to lie and say that they aren't important to me because they are it's just that what the hell good am I to anyone when the demons always win. My aunt is my biggest demon and I get to deal with her in 2 weeks. My dad (biological) is another demon, and then there are my demons, the ones inside of me filled with doubt and hopelessness. Mom says I should be glad to be going through my trying period so that I can get it over with and move on. She fails to understand that it is killing me inside. It hurts sometimes to smile and laugh but it hurts worse to cry. Sometimes I really just feel so alone. I don't bother my boyfriend with my problems, the ones I deal with on the inside. He knows about my problems at home which is honestly good enough for me. I can't open up to anyone and tell them how I feel at home. I can't tell my aunt that I hate my life and I think I'd be better off dead. My aunt can't understand the concept of there are no jobs in small towns and the only ones here are dead end ones...do you know what's more pathetic than that though. I applied for this dj job at the radio station last week. I had the interview and I really thought the job was for me, I love music, and when I am happy I am a bubbly outgoing person who loves life (I haven't had a reason to be happy since that interview I was actually bouncing off the walls as soon as I found out I got the interview and when I went to the interview I was happy) but I called today to find out if I got the job and well needless to say I didn't. They didn't even bother to call me to tell me themselves I had to find that out myself. So right now I really don't see how to make a life for myself while still having dreams. The only way I can be happy at a factory is if I don't have any dreams of getting a better job and if I gave up on trying to go back to school. So in the end what's it matter anymore anyways?

Things are still the same at home. I know when I wrote in here a while ago I was talking about moving in with a friend. That's still on I just don't know when yet. I'm doing it more just to get out of this small town I live in and just to get my sanity back. I find myself getting in disagreements with my mom again and just generally being depressed at home. The only time I'm happy is when I talk to my friend.

My reasons for moving are selfish but I gotta do something to get out of her so that I can make a life for myself. No one wants to be 21 living at home and dreaming of a better life and trying to make something happen that can't happen at home. Basically meaning that I need to get out of her and make a life somewhere else where there are jobs and that I can get into school and be successful. Not just making money successful but being happy successful.

But yes at home things are the same. Although my bro finally told his now exgirlfriend to leave him be. I had a scare with him a lil over a month ago. He smoked some weed that was laced with acid or something and he had a bad trip.

Oh what else, I just found out my one friend who is 14 isn't a virgin anymore. That was a slap in the face cuz here I am 21 and still a virgin. We are a dieing breed...you know the type. I'm not completely innocent but I'm still a virgin.

For the first time in my life I have a way out of the life I have known. For the first time in 20 years some one wants to invest in me and I don't know how to handle it.

Last weekend I got in a fight with my parents about their parental skills. What triggered the fight? Well my little brother Danny took out his pipe and started smokin weed in the living room. I can't breath around the stuff so I went to the bathroom and slammed the door. I locked the door. My mom says "Grow up Lisa". To which I didn't reply. My mom started pounding on the bathroom door and tryin to talk me into unlocking it. Well I didn't move from where I was. She eventually got the door unlocked. And I started to scream and yell about my step dad's probation officer and how bad of a parent she is. Then I started yellin about how they let my little brother do whatever he wants and about how when I was his age I never got away with that. Then I started walkin towards the door I opened it up and by that time my step dad was kicking me and punching me and slappin me and pushing me trying to get me back in the house. Of course my mom didn't do anything about it. No she never does. He could slap me around for a while and she wouldn't do anything to make him stop. She takes the dick over her own kid.

Well I got the brillant idea of callin my grandma and tellin her to come and get me cuz I am sick of living like this. And both of them kept on kept on unplugging the phone and stuff like that.

My mom thinks the only reason I was ticked off about it is because I am stressed out about wheather or not my uncle is gonna say yes to co-signin my loan or not. And that isn't it. I am just so g.d. sick of living like f*cking white trash. I am sick of haivng to day dream about a different life, one without drama and worry, cuz I can't make it happen on my own.

And you would think that my family would try to help me out... how about no. They don't care what happens to me. I almost know thats true cuz a lot of them just see me as my mom's mistake.

Do you know what's funny though my friend (the one I am in love with) actually says I can move down there with him. All I have to do is ask.

Ding dong the slut is gone and out of the picture. She broke up with Danny. Hey I was being nice and I didn't tell him that I already knew she was gonna break up with him. I could just tell. Besides she did it last summer and I think he finally wised up enough to realize what a slut she really is. She is a g.d. irresponsible slut who needs a dose of reality. The good news is I don't think I will have to see her again. Oh well if I do I can tell her what I think of her anyways.

Ok ok I feel bad for the little bugger he isn't himself today and he broke down already and I wish that Tim didn't have to work tonight so they could go out and do something. I think tonight I will talk to Danny and see if he wants to do something. I'll just tell him that anytime in the fall he wants to come down and chill I'll find a way to pick him up.

Danny's love life doesn't exsist and well mine is getting there. I mean I told Dre I was gonna stop acting like I only like him as a friend. He knows that I like him...a lot. Yes this is the same guy who told me all about his girlfriends and shit but hey I was to scared to open up to him. I still am. I don't like opening up to anyone. I like things to be safe and I love the fact that I can stay in my damn shell and no one bothers me.

With Dre trying to get me to open up and some of these other guys trying to get me to hook up with them life has been interesting. I already told them that I dont see myself in a serious relationship and that the only thing I can see us being is friends. That was my suttle way of saying I'm not interested in hooking up because my heart (i know it sounds corny) sort of belongs to someone already.

But hey I'm happy I have a few new guy friends which is always something to celebrate. My friend Reggie is sooo fine. But I'm not his type, he didn't tell me what his type is but I know it. He wants someone who is into doing their nails and looking cute and well that ain't me. But hey he's cool and sweet.

Well things are getting worse at home. There is nothing to eat and the bills keep coming and piling up. I got a phone call this morning at 9:30 wanting to know when I was gonna pay the hospitol for when I went back in November. I told the lady pick a date that way we can both be surprized when I don't have the money. I don't have a job. I didn't get hired at Bi-Lo...which sucks by the way cuz I need the money. I don't have a choise but to put my name in a damn factory and hope the hell I don't get dicked around there.

Meanwhile mom is gonna end up in the hospitol. She keeps getting so stressed out cuz her car is acting up and she has bills to pay but her pay check doesn't stretch out far and my step dad has his fines to pay and Tim's pay check goes to his car. Meanwhile Danny has his damned girlfriend up our apartment and she bitches that she gets hungry I told Danny to tell the girl to go home and eat her mom certainly makes more money than our mom. But he doesn't and he wonders why I am so ticked off at him. If she eats there it's me who gets bitched at and not him. So yes I have plenty of reasons not to like his girlfriend. Find some other pathetic sap to hang all over and screw over.

Well here's to hoping my uncle will co-sign for my loan so I can go back to school and get a job on campus and maybe even a bartending job. Who knows. If I was a little bit more confident in my looks and a lil slimmer I'd be a stripper...you think I'm joking I'm not. On a good night you can walk out with $400 a night. On a bad night you walk out with $100 a night...which is still more than what you get paid for working in a factory. Oh well...maybe I'll just find ways to drop the weight and do that...I'd give my mom the cash. Lord knows she needs it.

It's pretty sad that she has to get a loan for a $1000 just so she can pay her bills, and put food on the table. Yet everyone is so damn worried about what is happening overseas that no one realizes that we are going into another depression here and that people will be living on the streets...but why should rich people worry about it, they have their money and they don't have to worry about what happens to everyone else.

I know that money doesn't make the world go round but damn it...it sure seems like that.