hells_angel's journal

I know its been a while since I wrote an entry I been busy and mildly depressed. I still live at home and I know for a fact that no one in my family wants me there. I have no life at home. if it was up to me I'd sleep all day. I know no one at home would notice. I have no one to talk to and thats just how my life is. I think my one friend is mad at me cuz I told him I was jealous of my mom.

Alright he's the deal. He kept on flirting with my mom who is like old enough to be his mom. And yes I was jealous and yes I gave him adittude about it when he asked. But damn I didn't want to see him and her like that. It was gross.

I know I didn't handle it the best way that I could have but I've been sleep deprived lately and trying to find the strength to just runaway from it all.

It's just hard for me to tell anyone how I feel cuz when I do no one takes me seriously. I broke down and cried last night telling my mom that I really don't feel like I belong at home and that I know they don't want me their. They've said so a few times already when they were mad at me. But still they say that I shouldn't worry bout it cuz they were upset and they didn't mean it. But I know that when you're mad the truth comes out.

And sometimes I just feel like I should just kill myself and get it over with cuz it won't make a damn bit of difference to anyone if I am dead or alive. Cuz I feel like I'm already dead at home. I'm 20 years old and I get treated like I'm 10. I have to tell them where I'm going and when I'll be back and I'm stuck doing the dishes, laundry, cooking and watch them all have lives.

Maybe I'm being mellodramitic here but I just feel like I'm in hell and everyone is watching over me with a magnifying glass telling me to do this and don't do that. But anyways I gotta go back to no where and hurry there.

Well good news for me my rash is slowly goin away. I have a new idea for a story so life is good right now. I am not sure if I wanna go home right now. I mean Cantwell might be there and that dude scares the hell out of me. You have no idea. He is goth, he is just one hell of a scary guy. I'll tell you this much I might have to start locking the doors again. I mean damn Dusty and him just walked in the apartment like they own the damn place. and if it's like that I just might move out. Lawd knows I ain't in the mood to be dealing with this shit.

It's friday the 13!! I might just go home and lock the doors. No unusual people aloud today, except for me.

By the way my new topic for that story I have to write is about a vampiress.

I should call up my grandmother this weekend and spend some time with her. I'm still ify about my dad. I blame him and my step dad both for my lack in good stable relationships.

I still think you can't trust men and it's starting to hurt me because I do want to trust my friend Dre but I can't. I'm scared if I trust him and he hurts me and whatever it will kill whatever hope I have in man. I should probably write them both a letter and tell them where they went wrong with me.

Sample:

dear jerk,
you weren't there for me and one day out of the blue when mom calls you to ask you something you make it out like you always wanted to have a relationship with me and my brother. but in my opinion you are a pussy whipped asshole who lets everyone else make desisions for you and because of that you ruined what could have been a good relationship with your daughter. thank you for never being there.

Sample 2:

dear alcoholic extradinaire,
you ruined my childhood with all the times you drank at holidays and drank on weekends when you weren't working. you made me think alcohol is bad and now that i'm almost 20 i realize it's not the alcohol that makes a person bad its the person themself. you remember all those fist fights we got into because I told you i didn't like it when you drank. You'd be happy to know I never told mom that. I only told her when you violated me and even then her first reaction (the one that counts) was "I don't believe you" you weren't there. I told her in tears and screaming on top of my lungs "Why the fuck would I make something like that up" and then only to find out when you threw me out of the house when I was 18 that you did it to your own flesh and blood. And you have enough nerve to wonder why she doesn't come around. How could you do that?

But in the end it won't be them who will see my succeed, it will be me who sees myself succeeding and they will wonder why I left them out. I hate them both, ok ok I don't hate them I just don't like either one of them that much and thats ok with me.

mom told me when i was born that life wasn't going to be easy and she wasn't perfect. i believe her. i mean come on who stays with someone like that.

Right now I'm really ticked off at these people my brother hangs out with. Let me tell you, they walk in the apartment like they own the place. I told mom that I'm gonna start locking all the doors so no one gets in. Call me whatever, but dang it was 1 in the afternoon and I wasn't feeling all that great earlier today so I decided I wanted to be left alone.

I think my problem is I found a rash on my arm and I don't know what it's caused from. I know I should go and get it checked out at the doctors office but I don't feel like begging my mom to take me. There is a lot of things I need to do yet before I go back to school hopefully spring semester and one of them is going to the doctor's office to get caught up on my shots and get an exam.

I've been cleaning the rash with hydrogen proxide, and putting some neosprin on it. It hasn't been helping, if anything it's worse.

Aww well I mean if it kills me it kills me.

Tim and mom had it out this morning. To tell you the truth I'm glad Tim finally let her know that me and him are getting sick and tired of being the ones who keep the apartment clean. Danny doesn't do anything to help out and mom's excuse for not making lunch or dinner is because she works. I'm always left with the dishes, the laundry, making dinner. You know sometime during my life time I would like to have a life too you know.

Normally me and my mom get in arguments about a lot of stuff like politics and jobs and hell i'll admit it life. I think every woman should learn that they need to be independent because you can not always rely on a man. And visa versa. Men learn to be a little bit more supportive and learn how to put down the toilet seat and pick up after themselves, we are not your mothers.

Some things never change though because I still fight with her about trying to get the boys to quick smoking in the house, any and all substances. I'm getting ill because of it. Lord knows I got enough problems going on because my matress is uncomfortable so I end up sleeping on the couch and everything. I think one of these days I'm going to venture out to the doc's office to make sure i'm not dying.

anyways enough of that. i am not in the mood to put myself in a bad mood. i'm just merely reflecting the arguments i've had with my mom since i came home back in may. there are plenty more let me tell you but they were not as big of a deal.

I know I haven't written anything new in a while but my computer at home crashed and I don't venture out of my apartment to much these days. I was going through a lot of stuff at home so I sank into a mild state of depression. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am ok. I am feeling a little bit better now than I have in a long time. I still don't have a job. I spent all summer home trying to find a job so I could go back to school and it didn't happen. There is a few job oppertunities in St. Marys, but I don't have a car yet. I am trying to work things out with my mom and grandparents. Anyways there is a lot of news there.

I know I never wrote about my biological father walking out on me when I was 2 years old. I don't talk about it because it brings back so many painful memories of my not so happy childhood. My mom called my grandmother (my biological father's mother) a few weeks ago to get his number. My grandmother wants to see me, she and I never got to have a normal grandmother and granddaughter relationship, which is one of the many reasons I am the way I am. My mother called my father who I haven't seen since I was 15. And the last time I seen him before that I was maybe 10 or 9. Needless to say I don't see or hear from him often. I write him letters but I never send them. I found out he wants to see me and my brother Tim. It's messed up on my father's part because he had almost 20 years to get to know me and he never took that oppertunity and now that he wants to see me I'm not sure I want to see him. I'm afraid if I do I'm going to flip out on him and ask him why he never called or emailed me or sent me letterss to let me know that he was thinking about me. The situation at hand makes me want to cry. I know if I do go back to school I am going to have to go into consoling. I think that's the only way I'm going to survive.

Another thing that scares me about seeing my dad after all this time is that he will walk out of my life just like he always does and I don't think my heart can take it. I still feel like I'm the thing that went wrong in my mother's life and my biological father's life, but I didn't ask to come into this world to be a mistake. I guess when it all comes down to it I just want to find some absolution.