hells_angel's journal

I patched things up with Dre a little bit yesterday. We talked. He said he doesn't want to be my man but rather my friend, and I finally told him what was bothering me. I told him today that if he did get married would his girlfriend be ok with him still calling me. My brothers are suposed to be going to my step brothers house tonight. My mom I think is going to Pittsburgh this weekend and visiting my aunt which means she will probably swing by here on Sunday, meaning I have now until Sunday to clean my room and get things organized. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either. Today I am just apathetic. I am suposed to meet Sara for dinner at 6 tonight. Things will be ok. I am going to see if Sara wants to do anything after dinner tonight. Something tells me Heather is going to be busy, and I can't find Liz on the weekends. So it's all good.

Today was not a total waste, I got to laugh at my ex-roommate. Don't get me started on that chick, I'll never be able to shut myself up about her. She just gets on my nerves. Fake people get on my nerves and that's why she gets on mine. But yeah for the most part she was at lunch alone, I almost (not really) felt sorry for her. When I go to lunch or dinner alone it's because I want to be left alone. Where as my ex-roommate can not go to lunch or dinner alone because she can't handle being on her own. That's aiight though. Her problem not mine. Oh yeah I also ran into Dustin today. We didn't talk that long but it was actually nice to see someone I know on campus again. I did tell him about how everyone was mad at me for some reason, he laughed. He told me the only reason why everyone is mad at me is because I don't live in Campbell anymore, I live in the all girls dorm hall where every week 10 girls are ragging it. But that is okay because I like my dorm hall I don't feel the need to get all glammed up just to go to the lounge or where everyone hangs. When I lived in Campbell I did that because mostly because the guys would always be on the first floor so I tried to look cute.

But things change, I mean this semester I'm single and I'm loving it for the most part. I don't have to deal with my ex anymore. I finally told him off last night. I told him that I moved on and that I don't want him back. I even went as far as to play that Eamon song "I don't want you back" he didn't get the point so i played the part where he's singing "F**k you, you hoe I don't want you back". Well I could have been nicer but when you're me and you get a phone call at 2 in the morning and it is not the only person you want to talk to at 2 in the morning you tend to a little upset. My ex just needs to understand I have enough problems with men right now and I don't need him in my life to make them ten times worse.

I need to walk away from Dre for a few days and let him cool off. All he has been doing lately is getting mad at me for some reason or another. I tell him I'm gonna go out and he's like "Fine!!" He assumes I'm going out drinking and whatever, but honeslty I'm not. I go out and take a long walk to calm down before I go back and face that world again. He doesn't understand. So for right now I'm gonna let him do what he wants and I'll just worry about me.

I need to walk away from this all,
I need to walk away,
I need to walk away.
I need to get away.
I really need to get away just for an hour,
And I would if I knew that I could get away with it.

No one undestands anymore,
That this life is getting so hard to bear,
And no one cares
I'm trying to stay strong
All day long
But when the night comes
The tears come out to play
The tears come out to play,
Ohh the tears come out to play.

Then I wake up in the morning,
Wondering where I went wrong,
But every morning I have to get up,
And put on my sheild and make up,
To hide the dark circles under my eyes,

I go about my day,
And watch the days turn into nights,
Wishing I had something to hold on too,
Because its dangerous when you don't have anything,
It makes it easy to just leave and not say good-bye.

I need to walk away,
I need to walk away,
I need to walk away,
I need to get away.

I find myself in a somewhat better mood than yesterday but still everyday is the same. I know I am going to have to call my mom sometime this weekend. I am not looking forward to talking to her because I was up late last night and I did a lot of soul searching and I came up with a few idea's that might help me out. I might take a year off of school and find myself. I used to be so sure that college was for me and that it was what I really wanted but now that I'm here I don't think I want to be here. I just think I should take some time off and find out who I am again and come back ready and willing to make it through college. Dre called me last night. We talked for a little bit. I still didn't tell him everything that has been going on. It'd be so much easier if I could just tell him I'm happy for you and not worry about it. But I never was known for taking the easy route.

I think on a serious note though I might take the year off of school and travel. I really want to go to the places I've never seen before. I've been to Ohio, New York, Michigan, and Maryland. I want to go to the ocean and take in the view. Maybe even to go to the Carolina's or something. I just want to get out of Pennsylvania and do something different. I'm following in my Aunt and my Uncle's footsteps by even coming to Clarion Univeristy and majoring in Communications. I am going to do something for me and come back and major in English I think. I can still own my own magazine company with a degree in english.

This post was edited by hells_angel on Mar 18, 2004.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t feel anything like I used to. I keep on trying to find myself but I guess I just don’t want to be found. I’m 19 I have no boyfriend, I chose to be single cuz my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. My best guy friend Dre is not talking to me cuz I gave him attitude last night when we were talking. He talks about his fucking girlfriend all the time. He’s gonna marry her and leave me to fend for myself and he doesn’t understand why I’m always so damn upset anymore. How can I tell him “Umm I think I’m falling in love with you and I don’t think you should marry her”?? He is getting her a $4000 platinum engagement ring soon and when that happens it’s going to kill me. He doesn’t get it. I like him so much. Ok I don’t love him but damn every time I get close to someone they always end up leaving me or stabbing me in the back. Dre doesn’t understand why I cry at night. He’ll be talking about how much he loves his girl and I’ll start crying because it hurts me so much to know that he will never feel that way about me. All those times he kissed me, gave me hickies and basically every time he touched me he wasn’t seeing me he was seeing his girlfriend and he doesn’t understand why I get so upset anymore. I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him that I wish he would shut the fuck up about his fucking girlfriend. I can’t tell him I care about him and that when I say I hate him or tell him to shut up its because I just want to lose myself in that moment and just know what it is like to be happy for a few moments before I go back to my apathetic ways. He doesn’t understand why I don’t smile and why I don’t want anything to do with men anymore. And he said last night he was gonna holla. But I know he won’t. So tonight I’m just gonna wallow in self pitty and cry until I’m all cried out and then find someone who can get me some weed or some alcohol so I can drink my problems away. It just seems that I am making all the mistakes over and over again. I mean this is exactly how the fuck I lost my other guy friend Jonas cuz I wanted to be his girl but he didn’t want a girlfriend. And if I wouldn’t have had a boyfriend I would have been Dre’s girlfriend but no I messed that up just like I fuck everything else up in my life. I should just fucking kill myself and get it the fuck over with. I’m done living this life. It’s too much. I can’t bear it anymore. But of course I can’t die a virgin so I’ll just find some guy and sleep with him and then die.

It took me almost 20 years to realize that life is one great big sick joke. I am going to some hellhole college where there is nothing to do. I'm always stuck worrying about everyone else but me and it sucks cuz when I have a problem no one wants to talk to me. My brother got caught smoking weed and he got kicked out of school for a while, my mother is paranoid now that my other brother is smoking weed too. But please I knew a long time ago that they were both smoking weed. My friends are always mad at me for some reason or another anymore. I laugh for the sake of having everyone think that I'm ok and nothing is wrong cuz I have to the strong tough girl that comes off like nothing bothers me but at the end of the day all I do is just cry myself to sleep and wake up and start this thing called life again. I mean its not enough for me to have my own problems but then I have to deal with my mom and her seizures and my brother's blood disorder and hoping that he doesn't get a nose bleed, and my step dad being in jail for his D.U.I. (driving under the influence of alcohol) but he swears on his life that he doesn't have a drinking problem. He always told me when I was growing up that it was everyone else who had the problem with his drinking. I used to run away from home but I'd always have to go back because I couldn't find anywhere to stay. I didn't want to stay home and deal with my step dad's drinking, I didn't want to worry about saying something wrong and starting a fight with him, I didn't want him to slap me and beat me and drag me back in the house when I was out on the roof climbing down it so I could just escape for a few hours. I grew up way to fast and everyone is always telling me I have to believe in something. I don't believe in anything, maybe the music that’s the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself.