hells_angel's journal

Right now I'm just relaxing. I almost stayed home today. There is no one there but me and my bro Tim, but I wanted the fresh air. I just took today to get caught up on a few things around the apartment that I don't get to do often. I listend to my cd's out in the dining room while I was cleaning up.

I am actually happy today I am wearing a pair of jeans I couldn't wear a year ago. Actually almost 2 years ago. I think the last time I wore these jeans was in the fall of '03 that was before the dreaded freshmen 15. Maybe by the end of the summer I will be down a size or 2. I'm not even really trying to lose weight but it would be cool if I did lose some more before I go back to school in the fall. I am thinking about seeing if I can't stay with my grandma or someone or another in my family when I come home for breaks...I want to move forward in my life and not go back to where I am now. If that makes any sence.

I'll probably go home in an hour or so. I should wake up my bro when I get home so he can up and get something to eat. I don't know if he is gonna go to St. Marys tonight to see his girlfriend or not. I like his girlfriend, she is cool. She actually talks to me like a person, which is something my other bro's girlfriend could learn to do. If you don't treat me like a b*tch I won't treat you like one. This girl that Tim is seeing brings out his better qualities, it's amazing lol. He used to be a major jerk and now he's actually nice and it's.... i'm sorry I'm trying not to laugh at the changes in him but I can't help it.

I really wanted that to happen with Danny but his girlfriend Sammy is always up his butt and she always tells him what to do. I still think dude, Danny, you are 16 years old and she is only 14 don't let her treat you like a punk. I wash my hands of the situation, but mark my words she will break up with him again this summer and if he takes her back again, god only help him then because he will be the stupiest s.o.b. I know. Oh well. My reasons for not like Danny's girlfriend go deeper than that. He's in high school and he graduates this year. She got mad at him cuz he passed this year. She wanted him to fail so He would have another year in school with her. She is only going to be a freshman this year and he is going to be a senior. I'm sorry but if you quote on quote "love someone" wouldn't you want them to succeed and do well no matter how small the task is?

But oh well...in a little over a month it won't be my problem cuz if it's my problem I won't have to stick around for it...there is always the bar and trust me I think that is where I will be going soon.

It's not just all this that weighs on my mind every day and every night, it's my mom, my life, hoping to god that my mom doesn't go into a siezure at work and just hoping that my step dad keeps up the good work on not touching the alcohol. But he may as well be sometimes with the way my bro's are. They smoke weed in the apartment and all it takes is one time for my step dad's p.o. to come up and catch a wiff of it and my step dad is out the door and going to the state pen for 2 years for something he didn't even do.

Which is another reason why I don't like Sammy cuz she buys the shit and she knows her and Danny can't smoke it but they do anyways at the apartment and I swear I wish my mom would act more like a parent and tweek on all of them until it gets drilled into their heads but she doesn't. This is my life and welcome to it. I basically am the "pee on" who cleans up after everyone. I don't get to have a life because of it and it ain't even that I resent them for the way things are but damn it I want a life to. And the only way I can have a life is if I go back to school and I hang out with Liz. Liz is the one who keeps me sain at school. She really makes me forget how messed up my life is at home. And it's because of her that I might actually someday soon have a shot of having a "normal" relationship with a guy and not be so worried about it. She is my life line and she doesn't know it.

There are way to many people at the apartment. I needed air. Man I'm so sick of this b.s. Everyday is the same my bro wakes up about a half an hour later my bro's girlfriend comes up. It really makes me mad cuz the stupid little girl doesn't let my bro have space to be by himself and breath.

Well Dusty, Scuba, Stink, and his girlfriend are up there right now. I hope they catch hell from Tim. I'm not dealing with this if I go through with what I am thinking about. 2 jobs, I'll be working 13hrs/day and 5 hours on weekends. If I take the day shift 7am (which means I'd have to get up at 6am and make sure I'm out the door by 6:30)to 3pm at the factory and go get home around 3:20 get a shower and be out of there by 3:30 or 3:35 get something quick to eat. If I'm out of the apartment by 4 I'll be at the library around 4:15 and I could check my email and leave here around 4:40p.m. which would give me about 20mins to just relax before going to work again. Work from 5- 10pm come home around 10:15pm. And make sure I'm in bed no later than midnight. Weekends won't be so bad cuz I won't work at the factory but damn I know I'll sleep almost all weekend away. Some life I know.

Well 2 years ago today I was graduating from high school. Who knew in 2 years I'd be back where I started? My mom tries to help and says it's better I go through my slump now rather than later on down the road. My mom also says that "who says you have to get a job. What if your job is it take care of me" I don't know if she's saying it cuz I told her and my aunt yesterday that I am just overly depressed and that nothing I do ever works out the way I want to. So today I have to walk down to Roars, it's a factory, and see if they are hiring.

I mean right now all I do is house work and that gets boring. Then I have my a@@ of a bro who says if I don't like things I could get a job and leave. I'm getting two sets of messages and it's confusing me.

My question is:

Will I stay or will I go?

I get to ask my grandpa about the loan this weekend. That is going to be fun. My Aunt is coming home this weekend thats the only reason I'm asking him. I know it'll be hard for him to say no when she's there. I am going to go about it my way and just tell him that I know all the reasons you have to say no. But with that in mind I would like you to just consider doing this for me knowing that I don't ask you for anything. I didn't ask you for the money to go to Tronto in 9th grade cuz I wanted to see Phantom of the Opera, I just didn't go. And I didn't ask you for the money to get my glasses and contacts this year, I just didn't get them yet. I hope he listens to me. Cuz if not it'll be another year or 5 years before I get back to school and by then it won't mean anything to me.

Tomorrow night is suposed to be fun. T.J. wants me to get high with him. I don't know but for some reason me and T.J. get along ok. I mean I know he is one of my bro's friends and it's a cool thing if we get along. I think we get along cuz T.J. is only about 3 years younger than me. He's gonna be 18 this year. Him and Ishkin are pretty cool towards me. I might get high with them tomorrow I might not...it's up to me and how I'm feeling. I just don't wanna get myself in that habbit again, but I can honestly say that I never had a drug problem because I've only done the stuff maybe a handful of times since I was 16. When I do it it's all about the background and what's going on. I'd do it in my room if I had bean bag chairs...I'm serious. I mean I have an isncence burner and a lava lamp and I normally listen to something that drifts my mind from it's limits. I think deep down I am a stoner but I just don't smoke like my bro does. I can't do it every day like he does. I'm happier when I'm high on life and things are mellow cuz honestly I think that being high on life is the best thing in the world and no pill can make you happier than that.
I filled out the Bi-Lo application last night. I gotta run that down tonight.

I told my mom about "that" last night she didn't say anything so I guess it's cool. I think Danny forgot about it cuz when I told him about it he was like "what the hell are you talking about?" I think I told her cuz I am sick of covering up for him and his girlfriend now she can't tell my mom about it and cuz my mom will tell her that I told her and that will get me off the hook. See I think that is the one thing about myself that I can't stand. If I know someone has dirt on me I don't act differently towards them I'm just carefull as hell around them until I come clean about it. Then again I don't really mess up all the time. I would like to disillusion myself in thinking that I am a good person, but sometimes I know I'm not. I mean I'm only human right and I do make mistakes like everyone else.

This weekend promises to be an interesting one at that. I guess my aunt is coming home. Yah I'll get to spend time with my cousin. Alright that's not the real reason I'm happy. I found out my bro's girlfriend isn't going to be home or coming up for the next couple of days!! I'm so happy lol. Anyways I gotta make this one quick cuz I have to run down to Bi-Lo yet. I'm not going to write about it just yet until I actually have news. I don't want to jinx myself again for the millionth time this year.

My friend called me yesterday and umm it's the one that I like/love. Anyways my question is: Is it normal to want to talk to your friends mom??

He actually wanted to talk to my mom and it freaks me out something awful. I mean my ex boyfriend (first love) talked to my mom but it wasn't like he wanted to.

What does it mean when a guy your are interested in wants to talk to your mom?