hells_angel's journal

Why is it so damn hard to do what you know you have to? I mean for me I know I have to ask my grandpa or my uncle to co-sign for a student loan, but I don't want to. It's complicated. My mom never went to college, she got pregnant with me when she was 20,(my age now) she had me when she was 21. She sometimes has to ask my grandpa to co-sign for a loan and she hates it. I never asked him or my uncle for anything in my life. I never asked them for money when I was in 9th grade and I wanted to go to Troranto with my English class. I didn't ask them for money when I needed the money to get my glasses. I didn't ask them for money when I graduated from high school. My grandpa actually surprized me and gave me money. My uncle didn't.

I don't know why it's so hard to ask them. Maybe it's because I am afraid that someday they are going to say that I am no better than my mom. My mom took the road less traveled. I hate going to family functions because it always feels like they are judging me unfairly. It's always the same story, I'm not good enough. I was never good enough for any of them. It was too much to ask them to go to my high school graduation. I know it's going to be too much to ask them someday down the road to go to my college graduation.

My life has always been like this. Up and down like a roller-coaster that is going to fast and you find yourself screaming for it to stop. I know deep down inside that I am the next generation of white trash and I don't want that.

You would think that I could talk to my mom about this or even my friends but I can't. I don't want them to know that hey I feel like white trash and that I am nothing but white trash and you know what everyone in high school knew it. And I think that my friends in college knew it too. If they didn't know it they noticed and maybe they were being nice to me in pretending not to notice. I couldn't afford to get the stuff I needed. I needed clothes and whatever money I tried to save always went into laundry, shampoo, stuff that ran out before I knew it.

It's kind of funny cuz my mom tells me to write my uncle and tell him everything that's going on and everything that I am feeling but I knew if I printed this out and I mailed it to him he wouldn't care. He lives in Florida, he has a job, he is president of his company and I am just some pee-on relative to him. My bad a pee-on relative who is a dreamer and wants to make the world and her world a better place to be.

Well I got the confirmation yesterday about my life. And in case you didn't know my life sucks. I still haven't mustered up the curage to call my grandpa and say "old man river i need you to cosign for this loan that I am trying to get so I can go back to school." I just don't want to break down on the phone and tell him like it is "if I don't go back to school I am going to end up more miserable than what I am now and any shot of a life that I might have had... well it's gone now." Ok it's not gone it's just put on hold and the only way it will ever come off of hold is if I can actually get a job here, and that isn't very likely considering there are no jobs.

I don't know anymore. I just want to give up. Although giving up hasn't been in my vocab before.

My brother Tim just got a car yesterday. He managed to get the loan for the car on his own. I can't even get a student loan without a cosigner! What's up with that? My brother Tim has a job and what do I have? Just to much time to kill at home and being this live in slave. God forbid my mom would do the dishes and the laundry and pick up after everyone, why would she do that if she has me at home to do it for her.

I think I am just feeling sorry for myself again. I have been doing that so much since I came home last year. It's not like I have anything better to do. Maybe if I did I wouldn't feel so bad. I mean yeah I go out for my walks to clear my head and my mom stopped asking me where I go when I don't come in til about 4am. I only do that once in a while.

Maybe I am just sick to death of trying to make things work out for me. I mean nothing goes the way I want it to, it never has and I don't think it ever will.

The truth is I'm just getting so sick and tired of hearing from everyone well you should be like your brother Tim, he has a job. It doesn't even matter to any of them that I was in college for a year and that I am trying my best to get myself back in. But then again my best has never been good enough.

It's always been like that though I mean if I do something it's just ok, but when my brother Tim does it, it's fantastic or great. I am always being compared to Tim and sometimes I have this uncontrolable rage to just look him in the eyes and tell him I hate him. And sometimes I think I really do mean it. And then I feel bad because I think I mean it. It's just not cool to hate your brother. I mean it doesn't help any when Tim is always throwing stuff in my face about him having a job and him yelling at me cuz I am trying to get loans that he thinks mom is going to have to pay back and when I tell him mom doesn't have to I do he doesn't listen to me. He acts like he knows everything and I don't know shit.

Ok is it wrong to want to slap your brothers girlfriend? I really wanna know. She was being stupid. She knows that my brother sleeps during the day cuz he works third shift but she continually makes a lot of noise and doesn't know the words "be quiet". I think thats why I leave the apartment so I don't have to deal with her and her stupid ways.

I'm being bored again. Argg maybe I should shoot fore being random. Random works for me.

I just got done printing out a loan application and I saved one I was filling out online. I really hope that I can get these loans so I can go back to school.

I noticed something almost strange. I actually care if I go back to school. I know I wouldn't have cared if this was high school. I think I am starting to realize taht life does give you lemons and you have to make the best of it all.

Well Loretta never showed up today so I guess that leaves me to come here tomorrow to see if she comes or not. I only come here to do my journal and check things out and check to see if Loretta comes up. Hey it's better than going up town and hanging out with a bunch of teenage kids. It's bad enough that I have to hear about my brother hanging out up town with the wrong crowd from a few teachers I had that have him. I hate it. I don't want to know what he does up town cuz chances are he does the same thing at home. I hate hearing about it.

It makes me feel bad because I know when they are telling me about what he does they are judging me even though they know me. They know I can't control what goes on in my life. I can't control what Danny does. He's sixteen now he's going to do what he wants to do no matter what I tell him. I tell him don't do this he does it anyways. I tell him about what I did when I was his age and not to make the same mistakes I made but he does it anyways. He has to learn for himself and I wish his teachers would see that.

I think I turned out alright. I mean I'm not into getting high all the time. I don't even drink anymore. I was going to college and staying out of trouble. I'm not like my brothers where I get high because I can. I think it's harder to be an individual at home and stand up for what you believe when everyone else says your wrong or what you believe is stupid.