hells_angel's journal

Life is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. My advisor actually agreed to a meeting. I set the time between 9am and 11am... I don't know I just gave him a few times to play around with.

I'm so happy right now I could dance and oh we won't go there...but still it's great to be happy and stuff..

Ok I'm too happy to write.... But yes I am happy and my advisor did say yes to a meeting and life is good.

Lord help me right now. I just emailed my advisor and I really don't think what I had to say came out the way I wanted it too. I just kept it very brief. I hope he considers what I am requesting. If my advisor was like one of my friends I wouldn't have such a hard time just shooting the breeze, scratch that, how about shooting the helicoptor leaves with him and tell him what's been going on. But it's my advisor and I just keep stuff brief. I don't even meantion that I don't have a job, I don't have a life, and that my life blends with everyone's life at home. I don't even meantion the fact that I am mildly depressed. And I certainly didn't meantion the fact that if I have to stay home for another year I am either going to die or runaway. That's just me. I know I should be happy that I emailed my advisor but the truth is I'm worried he's going to be like "well miss ... I am busy right now with scheduling classes for everyone and obvisouly you are not are my priority list right now, but when I have some time I will get back to." Ok I am going to prepare myself for the worst. I just hope the FAFSA form I filled out didn't go to waste and the loan application I am mailing out tomorrow and the poetry scholarship I am also mailing out tomorrow didn't go to waste either. Cuz if he says he can't help me everything I have mailed out and the money I spent (ok that my mom spent) goes to waste and how am I going to tell her "gee mom you know you look really nice today...ummm how can I put this delicately your daughter, me, is a complete and total f*c*ing idiot. Not only is she an idiot but she is an idiot that will not be back in college again for another year. Maybe we'll get it right again some year."

I honestly thought I'd be back in school by now but I'm not and my mom is going back on what she said about going shopping and taking me to see my friends. I'm being punished for some stupid stuff my brother does and I don't like it. I can't wait til I get back into school in the fall. I won't have to come home to deal with the mess.

Alls well that ends well I suppose maybe someday I'll look back on these days and tell myself they aren't as bad as I'm making them out. Who knows anything is possible I suppose.

I ask for a small favor this week well this favor goes into next week just until I go to the hospitol and find out whats wrong. I ask for one favor that my little brother doesn't smoke anything and I do mean anything in the apartment. I walk back to his room to tell him I'm leaving and what is he doing. He's smoking a bowl. This really needs to stop I've been begging him to quit since before I came home from school. I've been trying to get him to quit smoking that shit since when mom called me at school to tell me he failed his drug test at school.

He is messing up his life and mine doing that stuff and he doesn't care. It just makes me really mad that he does it. I mean yeah when I was his age I tried it but I hated it so I didn't do it since.

I think I just get so mad at him because of the stuff I couldn't do at his age that he can do now. I was never alowd to have my friends come up when mom was working nad his friends are up at the apartment all the time and all he does at the apartment is smoke weed and make the apartment reak and I frebreez the place before my mom gets home from work and I air it out as much as possible. I tell her about it and she doesn't do anything.

I get to go to the hospitol next week to find out why I can't shake this cold or soar throat and why I am having such a hard time breathing.

So far I haven't had any nose bleeds today. I wonder if that's because I've kept my window open all night or because I can't lose anymore blood.

I hate this time of the year just for the simple fact that I can't breathe and I always seem to get nose bleeds.

Last week I was home with a cold. I also took care of my mom making sure she took all her meds that she was put on. She had a horrific asthma attack last week and she had to go to the hospitol. They put her on a lot of meds and I had to make sure she took them all.

It wasn't easy to do considering I had a chest closing cough and soar throat but I did it. It's been about a week and I still have this soar throat and I am having a hard time to breathe. I know I have to call the doctors office soon to find out what exactly is wrong. I feel about as good as I possibly can considering the fact that I am having a hard time breathing and I have lost a lot of sleep due to my coughing fits in the middle of the night.