hells_angel's journal

I hope she calls me this weekend so that maybe we can talk about it. I wish I would have just spent the night with her instead of going home that way maybe I could have some answers. I personally don't care what she does for a living just as long as she's happy. I just hope she isn't thinking that I'm being passive it's just that it doesn't really bother me and I know how hard jobs are to come by around here. I mean personally and honestly I can't say that I would never do something like that for a living if the situation was so dire. The only reason I say that is because if I go back to school I know I am going to have to get a job no matter what and make it on my own cuz I know I can't count on my mom to lend me money or support me when my little brother is still in high school. I've been thinking about it alot lately. I know that when I go back to school I am going to have to make sure I have money for laundry, books, personal items and I'm gonna have to be prepared to do anything just to make sure that I don't end up in the situation I am in now. Meaning I'm stuck at home with no job and there are no jobs here. I don't have a car because I can't find a job and it's a vicious cycle.

But I think it's safe to say that right now I would not be a stripper no matter how bad things got. But I know in my friends predicament she doesn't really have a choice because she has to pay her dad rent and pay for her own things. It hasn't gotten like that at home yet for me but I have a feeling it's going to happen soon. But right now I'm not going to worry about it.

The weekend was certainly interesting enough. With the snow storm up here and the storm within me and my family memebers. There was also quite an interesting discovery too. I found out something this weekend that I wish I didn't but it's in the past now and I can't change it. I found out that a friend of mine that I went to school with is a stripper. What's more I never seen it coming. She was never like that in high school. She had an over controlling boyfriend that she broke up with right after she graduated from high school.

I know that time changes people but really how much do they change before things go back to what you know? If they ever do!

I only found out about my friend being a stripper because she took me to work with her on Saturday night. She didn't tell me where we were going all she said was that she couldn't tell me where we were going until we got there.

It was definately interesting or should I say weird. Well actually weird doesn't begin to describe what it's like to see a friend of yours dancing and taking her clothes off for money.

I didn't know what to ask her or what to say. I know I should have asked why she's doing it but I already know that answer. It's no secret that the money is good. And that jobs around here are really scarce. But I just can't help but wonder if there isn't a deeper reason why she's doing this.

I know I can't tell her what to do and I don't want to. But I just really hope she knows what she's doing and she's happy...if that even makes sence.

Maybe I'm making too much out of this or maybe I'm just freaked out. I just really need some insight on this and I can't ask my mom about it because I know my mom's opinion on it.

What can I say it's been a strange week. I still gotta hurry up and type that stuff out. In an hour the library will be getting ready to close. Alright the dude didn't call and I am really wondering what right he has to be mad at me about something that stupid. I mean come on he's not a woman he wouldn't know what the hell it's like to be one especially when it comes to pms. I said I was jealous of my mom about something and I only said it cuz I get real emotional and s*it like that during my once a month disaster. But it's so like him to be like that. I mean with him you have to be perfect 24/7 and I'm sorry but the world doesn't work like that.

But on the up and up my mom is suposed to be taking me and 2 of my friends out some weekend since she got her income tax back. I'm still working on getting scholarships. It's a lot like work cuz I'm not guarenteeing that I'm going to win any of them but it's worth a shot right?

Alright on that note I'm gonna get some work done. I'll write back on Monday or Tuesday.

What can I say he's still mad and I'm trying not to let it bother me but you know it does. Anyways I've been up here at the library for over an hour and I haven't done what I came here to do. Once I go back to school or get a new computer I'll get back into my normal journal writing on here.

I am going to have to wait until my bro takes his drivers test again before I can take mine. I'm still studying the book somewhat. When I get home I am probably just going to start re-arranging my room and then do dishes.

Is it normal to be jealous of your own mother from time to time? I'm not usually jealous of her but I was and my friend is trying to make me feel bad because of it.

He's still mad at me. All because I said I was jealous of my mom. What type of answer does he want? I mean she basically can do what she wants to do and doesn't have to answer for it. God forbid I take a damn walk and I have to tell them all when I'll be back. Yes I am extreemly jealous of them all cuz they can be free and do what they want and not answer for it. I know it sounds stupid but I just haven't been happy since I've been home. I feel like I'm under a microscope. If I do something I have to explain why I do it. When I was in school I could come and go as I pleased. I didn't have anyone on my case about anything.

He doesnt get it. He doesn't know what it was like living at home for me. And I don't think it's worth it on my part to explain it all to him. He wouldn't understand.

But more importantly I wish that my mom would stay out of my personal life. She talked to him and she has enough nerve to tell me "he likes you" good for him. f him. it took him 3 months to tell me about his sister and he only took him a few minuets to tell my mom. I mean how close are we when he doesn't take him as long to tell her something that it took him months to tell me. And he wonders why I think that he wants my mom and that he is more interested in being my dad than my boyfriend.

The whole entire deal and mess it is just really makes me wonder why I even try to have a life and why do I even bother trying to keep something for myself and not have my mom take from me. I mean history is repeating itself here. It's not enough for her to have her own damn friends but she has to but into the few friends that I have and all that.

All I'm saying is if she spent half as much energy as she does on trying to but into my life into getting to know me I wouldn't be the way I am. I always came second best to her. My bro's forgive her for that but I don't cuz it's not good enough for me. I needed her in my life when I was 12 but she wasn't there she was always with her friends and she left me to be the parent.

Well it's Friday once again and I don't know if I am doing anything this weekend. I should just call up a few people and see what they are doing. I'm so sick and tired of my brother's girlfriend coming up to the apartment everyday. I wish he would break up with that ho.

I didn't hear from my friend at all today or yesterday. I prolly won't hear from him til Monday and that's only if he calls. If he don't I don't care anymore.

The thing that keeps popping into my head is what my mom said earlier this week when he called. "He likes you". I'm sorry but that is the biggest load of b.s. I have ever heard. I mean really if he likes me soooooo much then why does he have this constant need to hook up with someone other than me? Answer that one. And why is it that I've been single for a year now? Am I really this pathetic making myself believe that he'll come around and come to his senses and realize we would be a really good couple?

Alright I didn't go home right away last night. I took my good old time going home cuz I was too depressed to force myself to go back to that place right away. I cried for a good portion of the walk home and I cried last night. I was up til 8am. I didn't wake up til 2pm. I think I need to start taking sleeping pills so I don't sleep all day. I mean not that it matters if I sleep all day or not cuz I don't really do anything worth while anyways. I mean the highlight of my day is weather or not I go to the library and come home to clean up after my brother and his friends. Some life I have right??

I wrote this poem last night about home. Normal people would describe home as warm and safe. Not me. Home is the place you don't wanna go back to but you have to cuz you have no place else to go.