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Pepper (my typewriter) isn't with me right now. She's home in Melbourne.
I miss her, she is usually with me when I need to empty my mind before I go to bed. But I'm in Hong Kong right now, and for some reason writing (by hand) just doesnt seem to cut it. I'm used to punching words in, hearing and feeling rage, pain or joy within the letters of her body and the satisfying 'ding' sound it makes when I've finished a line. My spelling mistakes cannot be erased like it would on word. They are all there, my mistakes, the tears that fall on the page, the goosebumps in the exclamation marks when I tell her I met a new boy.
If she were here now, I'd tell her that things are not going well for me.
I have a boy I love and friends who support me, but I cannot summon the courage to tell my friends there is yet another melancholic chapter before the year is about to end.
God this year has been hard for me.
Not only did I have to question everything I stood for, but I had to stand by it when my father didn't. This year I told my father he was never there for me.
Something I think he will never be able to come to terms with (or agree to).
I told my mother that she never stood up for me when I was down. She helped me when I needed it. But never backed me up when I fought with my father.
I constantly get accused for being too easily influenced, not being Indian enough.
This year I learned the meaning of the word Saudade.
David taught me that.
I now know what it's like to love someone unconditionally without them even noticing you.
I had him and at times he had me, but there was never an 'us'.
No one has ever occupied space in my head the way he did.
But he's gone now, though remnants of his memories still remain.
Time will sweep them up.
This year I told my mother I dont really believe in God. I like the concept. But I cannot seem to think there is actually someone there who is looking out for me.
This year I had to stand up for myself, even when I didnt feel strong enough to stand. I didnt have a choice.
I spent the whole year trying to get my mother to accept that I will never be what she wanted me to be.
This year I battled anxiety, serious suicidal thoughts and got really worried that I might be getting the first signs of being a manic depressive.
No one knows how tired I am.
They dont know how emotionally drained I really am.
I was looking forward to coming home, I'd be with family. People who truly love me for what I am.
Though I came here to find that my father didnt even know I was a lonely child.
My parents dont think I was ever neglected. My fears are constantly dismissed. My emotions were never validated by them. We just have a habit of putting band aids on deep rooted issues.
I'm accused to being too sensitive, having a bad temper.
But no one realises, I'm just passionate.
It hurts so fucking much.
I just want to be alone these days. But I dont get a moment of solitude.
I'm not saying my life is all bad. I have had some major progress this year.
I guess you could call it a pyrrhic year. A successful one but with heavy losses.
I'm just emotionally drained and tired.
so tired of thinking, explaining, standing up when i have no strength.
so fucking tired. no one seems to realise the extent of energy it takes to wake up every fucking morning.
I know that this is temporary, just one more month and i might have a holiday. But with everyday comes a new argument, a new insult and new way of explaining.
25 more days to go.
Just 25 more days to go.
This post was edited by jael on Dec 02, 2010.
So it's that time of the year again, and these are the lessons I've learned.
I cannot hold down a relationship.
I'm getting better at being emotionally independent and learning to live on my own
The biggest thing that holds you back are you own insecurities, as cliche as that seems it's extremely true. But that doesn't mean you go all gung ho and think you're amazing. It's tough to strike a fine balance between doubting yourself and being sure of yourself.
And then there are just times, where you have to let everything go and live.
I've learned how to have a real drink! i.e Scotch :D
I've also learned said drink makes you quite horny.
The Wire is the greatest TV show ever written.
Dancing without fear is a release.
Music from UK is pretty awesome!
Even though Apple/Macintosh have pretty decent computers, THEY SUCK! Once apple care runs out... beware! They are bastards! $150 just to remove the friggin harddrive outta my iMac.
I have learned how to diagnose and open up and remove my own hard drive from my computer and effectively kill it! 10 more geek points for me!
As hard as this next one is, I will do it. I want to learn to love without expecting anything back. Loving for love's sake alone. This is hard...because I'm human.
Ctrl+S is your best friend.
Taking Red Bull for three days makes you loopy!
Patience patience patience!
Location location location!
umm.. Oh yeah! keep a spare set of Double AA batteries around.. haha I still stick to that one.
This post was edited by jael on Jan 20, 2010.
It just sits there. A small little blue piece of plastic that tells me if I'm connected to the world or not.
It's been two weeks, and your name has not come up on it yet. I keep checking every few hours.
The suspense kills me.
It rings, but it's not you.. Its someone else.
I still wait for your message, and then think to myself, if you don't maybe I can message you.
So I send a 'text'
Then I keep that blue little phone close to my side, I want to be there when it vibrates. When it gives that all to pathetic message tone. It seriously is not the greatest sound, but I sit there waiting to hear it.
But it doesn't make any sound. I finally get one the next day, but the words are not particularly personal. Either way, I'm just happy my phone made a sound. I quickly text back.
The rest of my day goes well, I'm really happy. It doesn't matter that it just 'bleeped' once. It really doesn't. It bleeped and that is all I'm happy about.
So days pass by, and I'm back to square one. I constantly look at my phone, Over and over again..
I hate when it's silent. I need it to talk to me. I hold it in my hands contemplating things I might say to my little blue phone. But I toss it back.. I cant be the first one to start the conversation.
I think my phone hates me.
It's okay, cause right now I hate it too.
I hate being near it.
I cant bear the silence.
Today was not a good day, as a matter of fact, yesterday was worse and I am dreading tomorrow.
I feel like a little mutt that doesn't look so good, but is willing to give everything for a pinch of affection. I'm scruffy and have nothing more to offer than myself.
Any takers.... yup, what I thought too.
I'm twenty four but it feels like a life time of rejection. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not looking for a relationship or to get settled or have a long term boyfriend. But I miss and crave human touch. I yearn for it, for someone to put their hand on my head and bring me closer to them. Some one to call me theirs. Not in a sexual or romantic way, but some one to tell me that I do belong to them.
That I matter.
For them to hold me when I'm yelling, kicking and screaming mad, and will continue to hold me because they no that I will melt and my anger is only short lived.
I want someone to take my shoulder and rest their head on it, use my body just as I use theirs. For their arm to be slung around my shoulders in a casual yet loving way. For them to hug me and really mean it when they say, I'm so glad I ran into to you today. Seeing your face is worth while. Being in your company is worth while and not a waste of my time.
I missed being really hugged and staying like that for a while.
Don't get me wrong, there are one or two that will happily hug me when I need to be. But I feel like I'm cheating when I ask.
More so, they are not the people I particularly want at that minute. Weird right? First I say I want a hug, I need touch, then I say I want some particular people who have no interest in me what so ever.
Fuck the human condition that makes you want something you know you cannot have.
At least if I was a dog, I wouldn't care where I was getting the love from, but here I want to choose.
Human beings are fucked up.
Life should be good right now. No. Scratch that, life is good.
I'm single again. It had been almost two years until we both finally realized this isn't going anywhere, I guess we were over a while ago, neither of us wanted to admit it since we actually do love each other and love spending time together, but we were just not a good fit as lovers.
I might have scored myself an internship, I have a few pet projects that have finally gotten wheels on them. And I just decided to undertake another project (for university) that (if it works out) is bigger than me.
So life should be good right.. I've got a few things going for me, I'm meeting new people constantly.. When I was in a relationship I felt trapped as I needed my own space to do things, to start my project.
And now I have.. but.. it was a lot more different to what I thought it would be.
I'm happy when I'm around people, but the minute i get home I feel lost.
I don't cook as much as I used to. I get lost in my thoughts most of the time and as a result of that, I can cause my own anxiety attacks.
Being left with your own mind is not really a good thing. I dread the days I have on my own and wished that I timetabled my university to be everyday instead of just 3 days a week.
Maybe I'm just getting used to being single.
It's just ... on some days coming home to an empty house is shit.
Since my move to Melbourne almost 4 years ago, these are the things I've learned.
Electric stoves are not to be trusted.
Bread can have a longer life by being put into a freezer.
Most teenagers (including myself at that time) have a deluded sense of self righteousness.
Love is never to be understood, people who try to define it are idiots (i am included in those idiots)
Depending on people is sometimes the biggest mistake that can ever be made.
Taking yourself seriously will only cause you more pain than pleasure.
Under ground jazz clubs are really good.
Friendships are like relationships, they too end more frequently than expected.
Lemon grass stalks and kaffir lime leaves don't exactly go well together.
The best kind of love is spontaneous.
80% of all your plans will never take place.
A sincere hug can really brighten up your day.
You can water life into a cacti even after you think its dead. But you have to be patient.
Never ever ever be with a man/boy who throws things around when he's angry. He will soon raise his hand on you.
Men are better at barbecuing than women.
I am a better navigator than men.
A sappy bollywood movie that I would normally hate to watch, cures home sickness.
Blogs are a fantastic medium. Who ever created it, is genius!
*shameless self pimpage here --> www.juies.blogspot.com*
No amount of self pity ever makes you feel better.
Every time you think there is no lower you can go, you will surprise yourself.
There is no point in doing anything if you don't believe in it.
The only way to move upward is when you understand forgiveness.(this includes forgiving yourself)
Honest people are the most interesting and refreshing.
Regret is a waste of time.
Be open to life.
And have a fresh pair of 2 Double A size batteries. You never know when they come in handy.
This post was edited by jael on Feb 19, 2009.