jael's journal

I never really hated a person, disliked many people for various reasons but never actually held a strong grudge against a person until recently.

I don't understand people who tend to be manipulative, revengeful and seem to hide everything they feel so you are left in complete and utter darkness.

One of my roomates is one such person - situation goes something like this - When you first meet her, you'd probably have one of the best immpressions of her and for a year or more I did, she seemed to be so sweet and perfectly innocent and was a angel compared to me and the things I did. Never smoke never drank, never stayed out late, didnt go out partying much and even if she did, all she'd do is dance and come back home the latest at about 3 in the morning.

She a perfect daughter to her parents and was a very good listener and would understand most of your problems...
I always wondered if I could ever measure up to her, I have never seen her lose her temper, swear, get pissed off.. she pretty much the calmest person I've known.

But you see, living with a person and just knowing them as a friend are two completely different things.
She pretty much lives in two houses with her boyfriend, and I believe that if our parents wearnt so traditional and scrict about not having boyfriends and things like that, there was a good chance that she would move and and live with him. (The best part is, she's been with him for over a year and they've never slept together as she has morals against this sort of a thing - thats how perfect she seems to be!)

I'm a pretty upfront kind of person, and if there is anything bothering me, I'd probably confront you about it and solve the matter immediatly, and usually when making friend, I've noticed I'm the one going up to some one saying hi, or even when we are at home together (lets call her XYZ) I'd be the one going into her room and hanging out with her, telling her about my day and other things like that.
This time I chose not to do so and see if she'd do the same and come talk to me in my room or have a friendly conversation every now and then. That apparently didnt, happen. She couldnt be bothered less with what happened to me or not whether I was left at home alone or not or anything.

My music is always blasting loud when I'm at home and I've noticed when she comes home she wouldnt acknowledge whether or not I'm there and go straight into her room without even saying hey.
All the more I've found out that I've pissed her off on several occasions and she hasnt been bothered to tell me that she thinks i've done something wrong, rather wait for the perfect moment to do something as hurtful or even more so when I'm at my most vunrable situation and in the most subtle way possible.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that when we hang around I'm the one who does most of the talking and the truth is I dont know so much about what she is feeling/thinking or even other things.

Obviously with such emotions building up there is bound to be a burst and from me - when that finally did happen, she comes up with a hundred things I've done wrong that I wasnt even aware of and then told me what she did to counter it back so I knew what she felt like. When ever I point a finger up at her, there would always and i mean always some sort of excuse so it was never really her fault and just mine.

NOw usually (as I know it) when something like this happens and since we are living together the best thing to do about it would be for both to apologise and just move on from it all. It cant always be one person fault as it takes two hands to clap.
I apologised on my part and she just nodded and grandstanded in some sort of way like it was just my fault and nothing else.

I confided this with my other room mate and since she has known for much longer she knew all about her little deceitful ways and has been a bit of a victim to XYZ'd wrong doings (only she doesnt have much of a voice and wont speak up to it so it goes unnoticed)

What irritates me the most is that she seems to get away with pretty much everything she's done knowingly or unknowingly. She's so good at manipulating people to thinking she is a perfect little angel ..

I want her to know what shes done wrong and want to know what I think about her but if I tell her all this, I'd only make living with her a lot harder for me and I have more than 6 months to go.

What do I do? Why are people so decietful? Why cant she tell me if I've pissed her off and make me realize it immediatly so I wouldnt do it again rather than do something to the same extent or even worse for something I had no idea I did.

Could someone give me their perspective to this or even help me understand these things? I cant go on living with a person I start hating the more I see and still put on a plastic smile and pretend everything is okay when it isn't.

-God, how long has it been since I've been on NAO, how long has it been since I've been on the computer!

Yes, life in Ausslieland has pretty much taken off for me and it's never been busier. Aside from the initial misery that I know everyone faces whilst moving countries things have been going pretty great. Australia is seriously one of the best places I have ever lived in and with my photography course stressing me out to the limit, I seriously dont even have time to do my own laundry or sleep these days.

I dont think so much its the uni life that I'm in love with (although it may be a big part of it)but more so the people here, I can honestly say that over all the people in melbourne are the warmest that I've ever come across, even though life is laid back here, there is still just so little time and so much more to do.

Hmm... where can I start?

Well firstly, I have vowed never to drink over 2 vodka lemonades any more unless and until I have a friend who would be able to control me when I'm drunk. It goes somthing like this - after going to a friend's party and downing to tequilla shots and being highly drunk (again, I dont drink much and get high 'very' easily) and ended up taking this Brazilian guy home with me... it was one of those things that you wake up in the morning and have an instant cringe. Now he wasn't too bad of a looker or anything but mainly the waist long hair and his constant high pitch end of the sentence tone that literally started to drive me insane. Pretty much the same tone an airhead blonde uses while talking to children.

Now - if that wasnt enough I had to cut my hand while washing the dishes (or those flimsy glasses to be exact) and ended up getting 5 stiches down the base of my palm.
I've gotten bruised and broken a few things but I've never had stiches ever in my life and it was ....utter...and....complete...hell.... I have a very strong feeling the doctor went in with stiches a wee bit too early and christ! i never thought anesthesia shots would get me hyper ventilating!!

Ofcourse my friend Kazuma (whome I had called about an hour later to help me around with some of my stuff) had no problem helping me dress and undress. Who would have thought a bloody cut in your hand would restrict full arm movement!

However, things are okay now and I'm getting the stiches off tomorrow. =D

We all know that no one can vow not to take more than two vodka shots, especially if your invited a good friend's party soo... I ended up getting pretty high that night and.... *looks down shamefully* .....got with another guy.

*sigh* This guy I couldnt help, he was too bloody good looking for me to resist. Though Eric and I may start dating soon with the way things are going now *does a little nutty dance*. It's really been a while since I've actually had a relationship.

Christ, I really miss NAO, it shouldn't be long now that I have the internet at home and I can actually read all the articals rather than skim through the ones that are just relevent to me and keep me updated here.

Life is really a bloody rollarcoaster here, but at the end of the day I have a smile on my face no matter how tired or zonked out I am.

You guys probably have noticed that I'm pretty heavy dutily wired to caffiene at the moment and should probably get back to work instead of writing updates on NAO ;)

Side note - Martin, I know I have a long email (which is in progress) overdue... =)

And hello's and hugs to Rosy, Aynjell and Null, hope you guys are doing well, and ofcourse to the rest of the whole NAO crew :D

This post was edited by jael on Mar 17, 2005.

People change over time, they always do, it's human nature. But the hardest part of changing is leaving or losing your friends.

Ever since I came down to Australia I had this nagging feeling at the back of my head and in my gut that I will lose contact with a lot of people, people I care about. People that I want to have as a part of my life, both real and virtual. I can't spend a lot of time on the internet and get my daily dose of the internet through the internet cafe.

I miss being on NAO and talking to the poeple here.

For the longest time I always wanted to live alone, be away from all that hustle bustle and just have some peace and quiet in my life but at this minute I would give anything to see my old friends, hug my siblings, just get some sort of human affection.

Funny how you can miss a people you've never met, and the people you already know make things even harder when you send them mails and 2 weeks later there still isnt a reply....

</end of nostalgic ramblings.>

This post was edited by jael on Feb 26, 2005.

Sunday afternoon - Time - 1:30 pm.

Location - Melbourne International Airport

Condition - Tired, sleepy, exhausted, cant feel her ass rear end any more.

After a long and uncomfortable 15 hour or so flight from Hong Kong to Melbourne, I was finally here. The 7 month wait was over and I finally going to start a new chapter of my life..

My father and I checked into a service apartment, and went out to grab some lunch. The streets were very very empty, and I kept thinking we got into the wrong part of town, usually on Sundays, families, people, friends are out enjoying themselves.. again I was wrong..

Its been a week since I moved to Australia and its very different from what I've gotten used to in Hong Kong.

- MacDonalds is 3 times more expensive here than it is in Hong Kong.

- Things are pricey here anyways!

- Shops close here at 5 - 6 pm on week days and earlier on weekends.

- Jerry Springer comes 2 -3 times a day on TV (and gosh.. i really didnt believe there were poeple like that in this world..they are just SO stupid.. and I wonder .. should I watch it cause its entertainment, or should I move to another channel cause this just sickens me.... Do I really want to hear about a 70 year old man who likes to smell women's undies? or watch women/men/transvestives bear their breasts and rear ends...)

- To get an apartment, one must fill out an application for and send it to the landlord, the landlord then goes through numerous applications and chooses the one he thinks is best for him/her to rent out their house/apartment. (We dont do that in Hong KOng)

- Quite a few landlords dont give a fuck what condition their houses/apartments are in and flouracent green walls are not supposed to be a pleasent colour.

- I cant find a decent computer mall here.

- Ciggerettes are 25% more expensive than they are in HK.

- The sun sets at about 8:30ish at night.

- Its too cold in the mornings and evenings and too hot in the afternoon and rains at odd times.

- Homeless people come up to your table where your sitting and eating in a food court and ask for money while drooling and eyeing your food

- I still can't believe shops close at 5 pm (They close at 10 -11 pm in Hong KOng.)

- And I've noticed that a lot of people type with just 4 fingers here and very few know how to type properly..

*sigh* so many things to get used to...

Thats it for me, next update will probably be when I get a house and a computer and an internet connection....or..probably the day after tomorrow cause I cant stand being away from the internet for too long ;).

This post was edited by jael on Feb 12, 2005.

A young girl runs into the room toward her piano, her eyes wide with hunger and excitment. Quickly, she sits, her fingers eager to meet with the black and white keys.

That song... that tune... that melody she just heard. She wanted to be able to play it and oh! Just that desire, that want, drove her insane!

For four nights and four days, every minute she could get, was devoted to be able to play that song. And four days later, that music was played.

Each note was stained with her perseverance, her passion, her emotion.

It might seem normal when this is put it writing, it might even seem romantic. But how many people like this do you meet in your life?

The ones really driven by passion and the need and the desire to do what it is they do. A need to sing, to dance, to write, to play, to watch people dance, to do anything!
The ones that listen to music and savour every second of it, and play or hear the tune over and over until the whole song is imprinted in their brain.
Or even when they're in love, the way they talk about the object of their affection. The dreamy look on their face. And if your lucky, you'll catch that person smiling softly and quitely to themselves about something so stupid that happened earlier in the day.

You can see it when they talk about what it is that interests them, their eyes gleam and their whole face lights up like their talking about something completely beyond this world, like its magical - and they had the good fortune to be a part of it. To make matters even better they want you to be a part of that astounding moment too! So that you can see and step into their world for just a few minutes and you can experiance the wonders that they do.

I miss seeing that passion in someone's eyes, and hearing it in their voices. The eagerness for you to be a part of it, even that look on their face.

It's hard to find people like that these days. The ones full of life and love. People who do something purely for the desire and the need to do it and not because it's a means to get some green backs at the end of the day.

Musicians/singers who play just for the purpose of being commercial. Artists who draw cause they know the mass public will adore the certain piece. Actors, directors, people who want to be actors, authors, lawyers, doctors, ANYONE! these days will only be driven by that passion of their profession because the out come is what they are looking for.

Alright, forget about the big names and the ones that are driving Bentley's and Mercedes. How about just you and me?
How many people have you met recently that talk about something so passionatly that even if your not interested in what they have to say, you'd still listen because of the way they are saying it.

I remember once in my photography class, we were talking about why it is we take photographs.
Being a class of only 8 students there wearn't a lot of answers but the ones that dominated were basically so they could capture something that looks beautiful and hang it up for the wall for all to see. (When I say beautiful, I mean models, eye candy, a pretty picture of a sunset)

But what I was surprised at was that no one pointed out. "the purpose of taking photographs initially is to capture the essence of that one second..."
The look in that woman's eye while doing the dishes, the pain in a man's heart while reading a letter.
Or maybe while walking down a street, catch a moment while two friends smile and laugh at each other's jokes.

No, these are not beautiful pictures, but if your a good photographer, you'll be able to capture that emotion and keep it for the rest of your life.

The people I've met recently, speak so dryly. There is no real ounce of emotion in their voice. It seems like it's all a cover up.
Even when they claim to "love" a band/movie so much. They say its the best thing they have ever heard. They say nothing can beat that one. And in the next 2 weeks, they stand there corrected with the another beat that they claim is the best.

Trends are just so popular these days, it kill's a person literally!

While I was talking to a friend about an incident in a book that I had read, which was increasingly funny to me, he listened but was inwardly laughing. I stopped and asked him why he was doing that.
He replied - ' you just get so excited about something, it's funny.'

I stopped right there. After asking him, what was so funny about me being excited and wanting you (him) to read that book, he answers, 'Girl, it's just a book. Not a person you've just met and fallen in love with.'

Do I really look funny when I talk about books, or music? Is it too bad that I'm passionate about certain things and love sharing it with people? Or is passion only credible when you get something materialistic in return?

I hope to be proven wrong soon.

This post was edited by jael on Jan 18, 2005.

Recently (we're talking about 6 months now) I find myself crying oh so much .. and not because things happen ... Just when I'm watching TV... I watch a music video about AIDs and the back of my eyes start burning, I watch small kids play with each other and the same bloody thing happens...

Even when I'm walking down the street, I find my eyes burning when I see two lovers meet and cuddle... I don't understand What is wrong with me... or why this sudden urge of crying so much .. siggh...

*wipes tears off*

I really hope this phase goes away.. cause right now I'm too broke up buy waterproof mascara.

This post was edited by jael on Dec 06, 2004.