jael's journal

<rant>

My best friend is gay. He's had a hard bloody time opening it up on account of what his friends reactions might be since he knows quite well enough that gays are frowned upon withen his social circle.

But eventually, one has to find out. And that's exaclty what happened. His so called friends..people whome he has been with since he was 12 (and he's 22 now) have "actually" stopped speaking to him, because what? He's gay? .. Because butt fucking is gross. Because the thought of holding another guy is your hands is just ... unthinkable and weird. Now he's being called "faggot" and "queer" by people who used to pat him on the back after winning a basketball game... It's really really a shame how narrow minded and pathetic human beings can be. I have this absolutely dispicable taste in my mouth when I see them.

Oh ... I'm not done yet. These particular friends apparently love it when two girls kiss and make-out *rolls eyes* So it's okay for lesbians .. but not okay if gays do so. How much more discriminating can a person GET?!

Ha! and it doesn't even end there! The girls who kiss each other are not even lesbians OR bisexuals .. .their just simply doing it to turn guys on. Christ! as if scandelous clothes and dirty dance movements arnt enough, they have to grope each other on the club floor!

</rant>

Inhale...exhale....inhale....exhale..... *sigh*

I don't get how some one can discriminate without reason just relying purely on hatred and some dumb beliefs..

Allright fine... I get the part where you can't understand why a guy is attracted to another guy. Or a girl to another girl or what ever it is... but jeeze .. why frown upon them? Why beat them up?

Some one asked my friend (the gay one), "How come you never told us you were gay, I mean, I am your friend and so I do have a right to know"
He answers "As long as I'm not sucking your cock or butt fucking you, it's none of your business."

I'm not really a writer so I'm going to do my best to write something that makes some kind of sense.

----------

I'd have to say that I'm unfortunate never to have one of those life-long friends that know your every move and expression.. Ofcourse I have had close friends who have loved me and know me better than a lot of others... but again ... they either live in other countries or have breaken off due to various reasons..

I got to a point where I thought that I was probably destined to learn to live with me and so I managed quite well .. indulged myself with movies, books and music..
Soon you realize that it's hard to really move on without some one loving you.

----------

I met someone over the summer, it wasn't something I was looking for .. I dont think it's love, we barely lasted for a week .. but it was full of soft kisses and whispers..

Thing is .. I've never really been taken as a total girl .. (ok i know this sounds crazy) BUt i come off as an open person.. most guys take me as one of their own.. which is a good thing ..but pathetic when it comes to having a boyfriend.. I guess because they subconsciously think they don't really put the same kind of effort that they would put while taking a regular girl out.. I very rarely get roses or chocolates ...

Although he knew what kind of a person I was.. he never failed to make me feel cherished, loved, wanted and most of all safe..
something that I couldnt find in a guy i dated for a year and some.. i found in some one I barely knew..

Now this ..was highly dangerous....

My brief affair is now over.. and I'm scared out of my wits.. will i ever find some one who could make me feel like that again?

-----------

It's been 2 months or so .. it's hard to forget how i felt.. but as life goes on .. I have to keep reminding myself to see things for what it actually is.. A summer fling.. and thats all ..

I keep reasuring myself.. I'm only 18 for Christ's sake .. ofcourse I will make new friends.. I got my whole life ahead of me .. I will meet some one new who will sweep me off my feet ...

I'll defniatly make new friends.. I start university in February and it's just going to be a huge new chapter of my life..

So why do I feel so miserable when the best thing is about to happen to me?

Hopefully this is just a phase .... and like everything else.. I will deal with it and move on.. and keep the memories treasured..

I dont really cry over small things or ... quite frankly it's pretty hard to get me to shed tears ... Bur, Christ! I feel embarressed to say this... that in the Oprah show I was watching today I felt my heart soften to an impeccible degree and my eyes sight went blurry...

It's an old show in which Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst come on for the showcasing of movie heroes and to honour real life heroes...

There was an 8 year old girl who came on, she had cancer when she was 1. The way she fought cancer with the biggest smile on her face .. God... it was enough to get me all teary eyed...
She said "when life throws lemons at you make lemonade" and THATS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID. She made lemonade and sold it. Every year now people all over (some part of America)make and sell lemonade and together with that little girl, have generated around $200,000 dollars for a Cancer fund.
She looked horrible when she came on Oprah's show and Oprah told the audience that she has her good days and her bad days .. and then she asked her ... Which day is it today?
You could see she was tired and in pain .. but she answered with a big smile ... "It's a good day"

Now what REALLY pisses me off are those people who whine about their lives thinking that it's ended because their boyfriend dumped them, or their perants don't understand them .. or simply because they want to be different and misunderstood.
They whine and they bitch about how bad their lives are .. they take up hardcore drugs like Heroine or Coke .. and shit like that and they say ...fuck I think I wanna die... GOD .. THAT KILLS ME!

That girl is 8 years old for crying out loud!!!! EIGHT!
SHES DYING! and your whining about how life is such a bitch!?!

</end of rant mode>

This post was edited by jael on Sep 06, 2004.

I'm new here and this is my first journal post ... I was hoping there is an introductory forum or something .. or there probably is and I just cant find it ... anyways ... I'm hoping to understand how this board works and hopefully find my way around it ..

oh yeah ... a little about myself .... I'm an art student ... and Im 18 years old ... have a huge interest in music and although a draw a little i'm more into photography ...

umm ... if you want to know more ... uhh .. ask me =D

Jules..