jpf's journal

I am a United State's Sailor

I am not the naive beach-boy idiot you see on the weekends at various military cities across on the country.

I am a United State's Sailor

What the hell am I doing standing in ranks with these people for hours while waiting for some asshole several pay grades above me to arrive late, finish his morning coffee and have his worthless meetings?

I am a United State's Sailor

This is not a creed, it is especially not one which has had its last 2 sentences rendered meaningless over the course of 3 years. My values come from within and I reject all forms of indoctrination.

I am a United State's Sailor

I am not my “rate” or my “eval”. I am not an Engineer or whatever the Navy constitutes as “Engineering”.

I am a United State's Sailor

I want to believe at one point in the past this actually meant something.

I am a United State's Sailor

Do not thank me for serving your country, or protecting your freedom. I have done neither of these things. I am a Mercenary. I accept this judgment by society and the world and I accept the risk associated with this. I can only promise that I will payback several times over the damage I've done during my years in “service”, or die trying.

I am a United State's Sailor

but I will not be defined by it

This post was edited by jpf on May 04, 2008.

I just recieved my first piece of spam on gmail today which somehow slipped its filter. I'm pretty sure this is related to using that address in order to register for a credit report.

This post was edited by jpf on May 04, 2008.

We all make compromises in life. I'm one of those who said they'd never do anything bad or break any laws, I've always strived to be a good citizen. I've never done drugs, drank under age, broken any laws until recently, I've lived a very sheltered, doccile life. But when push come to shove, I find myself compromising and breaking the very rules of our society I've tried so hard not to. When forced into a position where money is the only solution and in addition to following a naive philosophy of two wrongs making a right, I've stolen to fix a problem, I've looked the other way while i've ripped off others whom I've known it to be of little consequence for them. I feel powerless to stop this behavior when faced with the option of having my life ruined or fixing it through these means. Is this selfishness? Yes. Will I get whats coming to me? Probably. Can I stop this? No.

This post was edited by jpf on Jan 26, 2006.

So I'm getting 2 weeks of leave which I'm forced to take. (Gotta love the Navy, get it while you can otherwise not at all). One of these weeks happens to include New Years. My parents which I love very much, thankfully have decided to give me the go ahead and have spared me the boredom and isolation of yet another winter holiday at Remote Farm, CO.

So far my foolhardy plan is to leave South Carolina and spend a few days in NYC to watch the ball drop, then on the way back spend several days in Washington, DC to see a few monuments, notably The White House and the Smithsonian, all via train. (I don't want to spend more then a grand either on this little escapade.)

New York and DC:
Out of all the things to see there, whats your favorite that you might recommend? Any other regional areas of interest? I like the all weather outdoors and I'm a bit of an engineering/computer/history/art geek, my music tastes are of the metal,industrial, and classical variety. I'm game for clubs as well.

Any advice is very appreciated!

Disclaimer:
I'm not a doctor. My experience with anti-depressants is mine alone and I make no assertion it will have the same effect on others.

For the better part of 23 years I've dealt with chronic depression and anxiety (diagnosed) . I can't even measure the damage its done on my life. It had developed to the point where I would minimize contact with others, this was mostly in effort to stifle the pain to keep it from effecting other people. Different things I tried to fix it: changed my environment(traveling, floundering in college, then enlisting in the military, still there, doing well now), anything to derive pleasure, different kinds of addictions (long history of online gaming here), excessive spending on cars, alcohol, food, masochism. The only thing I ever really enjoyed was sleep, I was socially dead to the world, with maybe one or two friends who could tolerate me at most on an infrequent contact basis. I had very little drive or goals. I never wanted to admit I had it, despite an unavoidable facial complexion which had developed overtime into a permanent scowl. (for this reason the scowl habit remains as an odd quirk in my personality, independent of mood, though I'm working to fix this *smile*). I just didn't want to see the writing on the wall. Depression sucks, its not trendy, its not emo, its not cool. It destroys your life, and going untreated amounts to nothing more then selfishness and/or negligence as it draws those around you into empathizing and seeing you in pain on a constant basis. I was always of the firm belief that it was a brain chemistry issue. At a certain point I decided I couldn't take it anymore and saw a psychiatrist, after several visits, meds were finally used as the last option.

First some things both drugs have in common. After over a month of use of each consecutively, neither had a noticeable effect with the Wellbutrin at 125mg and Paxil at 20mg, after an upping to 300 and 40 I started noticing things. Simply put, both had successfully treated my condition.

Wellbutrin seemed to have of a positive mood effect, while Paxil just put you in a neutral feeling-less state of mind. As far as side effects Paxil had the worst, namely temporary impotence and reduction in sex drive to nothing (but this could also be preferred depending on the situation), thats all I really have to say on Paxil, needless to say I stopped using it and found a better alternative. Wellbutrin in short has changed my life. It put what I describe as a "wall" or "barrier" in my mind which prevents any kind of prolonged sadness or "negative" feelings.
In addition to this; Its increased my attentiveness, cognitive ability, energy, and much needed appetite reduction, (I've lost considerable weight on it). Side effects are the occasional insomnia, and I have to stay away from any sort of caffeine, if I drink even one can it has an energy catalytic effect with the med and I end up awake for days on end. Another is amplified irritation, such that just the same things will irritate you as before, only they'll irritate you even more and it can make you impulsively lash out. Perhaps the most significant effect is the blind inconsiderate happiness it can create. My biggest concern with the drug at this point is the long term effects and the positive vibe that doesn't seem natural or appropriate when compared to the situation. Its not normal, but neither was my condition prior to the drug, and I refuse to go back. That said, I'm glad to be part of something resembling the human race once again.