k9lionheart's journal

Yeah just to let everyone know right off the bat to whoever bothers to read this, I almost never write journels of anykind. So don't blame me if this sounds cheesy or even stupid, but I just gotta get it out or I'm going to go insane.

Lately life has really sucked ass. Basically because of two parts, a: I'm extremly worried about my future and b: I am extremly lonely.

I am going to admit it right off the bat, I am not very good at a lot of things. There are only two things I am good at. History and Philosphy. Talk about two versitile subjects. From what I have researched there is absolutely nothing I can do with those two subjects in my life but teach them. I don't want to teach, I have done it before, teaching kids first aid, and I do not want to do that for the rest of my life. I mean I can do it, but I won't be happy. I wil basically just feel like I am passing along information that can only be used to get a job teaching. Plus I don't want to teach a buncha kids who don't want to learn, and this is what I'm seeing with most of the people I am surrounded by, and I don't expect the generation next to me to be any better. My other option is to go to law school. This is actually what I am aiming for, but just trying to get in is intimidating enough. I have to keep my grades up to at least a 3.5 gpa, and while I am exceding that expectation currently, just the pressure of it is enough to keep me awake at night. I will also have to take the dreaded LSAT. I have done my research and most law schools take that test more serriously then my grades. I am preparing myself by reading books on it, and practicing problems, but I know that when the time comes when I take that test, its going to hit me that this is my only chance. You can take it again but they average your scores together. If I don't do well enough on it, then I will be forced to spend my life teaching for a living. What else can you do with a bachelors degree in history? I guess that knowlege is always on my mind and I suppose I'm just worried that if I don't do well enough to get into law school then I will have wasted much of my time. People keep telling me I am going to do great things with my life, but thats all they say, and that irritates me. I want to know what I am going to do thats so great. I wish someone could tell me because quite frankly, I don't even know where I'm heading, and I feel about as lost as someone in the middle of a huge desert, without a compass. Everyone in my family is going to be successful or already is successful. My brother graduated from ga tech and has a great job. My little sister, has the potential to be a great artist or anything she wants since she makes better grades then anyone I know. My little brother, has so many skills and is so good at anything he does, that I can easily see him being anything from an engineer to a lawyer. I just wish I had that. I wish I can see exactly where I'm going or what I can do. I'm just worried I'm going to end up becoming a dissappointment, or someone who just doesn't make it in life.

I am also a very lonely person. Being a shy person is not easy. I don't have that many friends, and I have even less friends that I can see everyday. I don't mean the people who just say they are your friends, but the people who really act like it. who want to do stuff, and have fun. If anyone asks, yes I am a nerd. I like my video games, I like reading historical books, and I like watching movies. I don't like sports, I don't like organized religion, I don't like putting others down, and I don't like excluding people. My point is, nobody likes the nerds. There is also the women issue. I don't know whether its just the girls in the south or girls in general, but I try to be nice to them, I try to hang out with them, but I feel like I am just there and nobody notices me. They see me, they pass me, they ignore me. I don't talk because I am afraid I will say something stupid, mainly because most of the time when I do say something it ends up being stupid. Now this may sound really sappy and I honnestly can't believe i am writting this on a public forum, but what I really want is a relationship. I go around my campus and I see guys and girls holding hands, sometimes kissing and stuff and I just want that. I want to be with someone who really loves me. It just seems that everyone out there has someone, but I am left behind. Its not like I haven't tried. I have tried asking several girls out this week alone, and guess what? all of them ditched me. I was supposed to go to a party with one, she never showed up and never called or asked me why? I was supposed to meet a girl at a bar one time, I walked there and waited for about an hour and she never showed, never called, or anything. When I get in touch with these girls afterwards, they never give a reason for why they couldn't make it. all they say is "sorry". I'm just fucking sick of that. Then there are the girls who try to lead you on. I have met several girls that I easily talk to and wish I could go out with them, but suddenly at the point where I feel hope that my loneliness is ending and I start to ask her out, she suddenly states, "oh I gotta run, I'm meeting my boyfriend in a few minutes", I mean what the fuck is up with that? Then they say we can just be friends. Thats all fine and good, but when thats all you ever hear, it can just make one feel desolate. I know I sound like a sissy right now, but I'm at my breaking point and I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being the friendly guy who finishes up last. I'm sick of opening up to people just to have my heart smashed into a thousand pieces. I don't want a friend, I don't want a confident, all I want is a girl that loves me. Everyone else I know has it, why can't I have it?

Well I'm done now, and basically all I want to conclude from this is I am not happy. In fact I am argueablly probably the most sad person right now. I can't tell the difference between staying in my dorm, or going out. I feel ignored when I'm around people so I might as well just stay by myself. Oh well. I only have about 60 more years or so to live and then I'll be dead and hopefully loneliness won't be a problem anymore.

a very sad and lonely,
k9lionheart