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I don't know exactly what to say anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. Restless. Make the thinking stop!!! My head hurts sooo much..
What should I? Cry! I'm good at that.
I feel stupid. Why am I worrying so much? Why can't I just let it go? MAKE IT STOP!
I've been told to writ down my thoughts. All I can think about is.... blank. GREAT! blank!
I've turned off my three song repetition
* Love Your Way - Powderfinger
* Born To Try - Dleta Goodrem
* The World's Greastest - R. Kelly
These are probably the worst songs that I can make myself listen to at the moment. They all remind me of her. There's nothing worse than dwelling on the past... but there's nothing worse than forgetting the past either.
My insides are shaking. My eyelids are heavy. I think it might be time for a sleep...
Not a long sleep.. just a little one..
How are we going to deal with this? the 5th is a Sunday... There will be no one there to make sure we're alright. We all have to battle it out alone...
SHIT! i can't handle this anymore!
It's coming around again, slowly creeping in... The 1st of December and the beginning of one of the hardest five days that I have ever... and I mean EVER had to live through. It's her birthday today, and in five days... she'll be gone... again.
I'm getting the shivers just thinking about it. The only songs that are running through my head... I love your way, I can't explain... what made me change.... I LOVE YOUR WAY and Well I was born to try. I learned love. Be understanding and believe in life... I'm going to have to cry a bit soon.
It feels so wierd thinking.... today is her birthday... and she'll be 17... but she won't be at the same time. I feel sort of bad, becuase I didn't know her very well... but I still feel really really sad... like something is missing. Like that good old "depression" is coming back.
Sometimes I forget about her, and I feel soooo shitty.... cause I forgot about her. I can't forget...
as the memory gathers dust, buried in it's crust, are the remains of what we've done, and the seed of what we've just begun. The tapping of the rain beats a corrugated drum
And the city glow well it pulses on to the city hum
I love your way.... truly I do... and I'm sorry it had to happen to you. I'm sorry you were the first to go. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry this has all affected everyone... and I mean, seriously EVERYONE. We all miss you.. we love you...
I mean, just because it's been a long while, doesn't mean I was being an arrogant bitch who found something better to do. I've just been a little bit preoccupied is all. Between drama IP's, countless tests, orals and swimming carnivals I haven't really had much "chill" time.
So what EXACTLY have I been up to? The past month or so in absolute, flawless detail? I can't quite remember. I don't even remember what day it is let alone what day it was two months ago.
However, I do remember (with the aid of my trusty chronical) however, that at one point I went on yr 12 camp, at another point I sat around listening to people talking about something a rather, I knitted a square for charity, I sang, I acted, I made decisions, I spoke publically, I fought, I resolved, I slept, I cried, I did homework (which is sort of a first) and I organised myself, I bought two CD's and watched lots of The OC.
I also know that I was trying to buy "Transatlanicism" by Death Cab For Cutie, but either they don't sell it in Australia, or I wasn't looking hard enough.
I missed a party, I learnt some Italian and made and Italian friend FROM ITALY!!!
That's all I can think of at the moment, if for some, retarded reason you would like to hear more about my last two months, feel free to ask :S hehe.
It's time! Yes! My final year of school... EVER! Believe it or not, I am but a mere four terms away from finishing school forever!
What's my plan I hear me say? Well, I say I start up on Media and Communications and try and get a job in foxtel or something. Then be a journalist or something, then much like Cameron Crowe (director and writer of Vanilla Sky and Almost Famous) Then... yeah, that's about it.
This week has been a bit of a waste of time though. We haven't done anything except listen to people talk, and going to uni and listening to more people talk. And next week we have to go to camp, so kinda technically I'm not in year 12 yet. Anyway. It's my birthday soon and I haven't even gotten my learners permit yet! I REALLY REALLY want to get it before I'm 17... but I just can't be botherd! Lots people have been telling me that I should NOW! I say... meh.
My internet is kinda broken at the moment, so I'm not really able to get on the internet, except for now, when I'm supposed to be working 'cause I'm tieing up the phone lines. hehe oooh well.
I want to right something really long and stuff... but I don't know what to right. I'm sort of in hyper mode. Today we listened to this guy talk about how to maximise our marks and stuff. He talked about eating the right food and not too much sugar and we have to sleep enough and everything.
My friends came back from overseas today. They were touring Europe. One of my besties brought me back a Denmark teddy bear :D. That's enough rambling from me. I might go do some improvisation before I start up on that Italian stuff.
I am an insomniac. But sometimes.. occasionally I forget that I'm awake and begin to lose consciousness of what is going on around me.
Then, occasionally something small, annoying and completely insignificant will remind me that I am actually awake and for some stupid, insignificant reason, I'm supposed to stay awake during the unappropriate hours of the night.