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"... You're not alone"
Pity. I am alone. Today has been one of the worst days of life, besides the fact that I technically didn't go to school. I was there and everything, but I wasn't forced to learn anything.
To start off this wonderful day, I woke up a little later than I should have and while I was cleaning and grooming, mum decided that she would leave for work without me, not to mention without telling me. Apparently it was assumed that I wanted to get to school at 10. How this conclusion came about I do not know. So I had to wait for half an hour for a bus to arrive, so that I could get myself to school. Which made me fifty minutes later than I already was. Lucky I didn't have to go to classes..
Anyway, I got to school and as planned did not attend classes, but instead year 12 HSC drama performances. This wasn't the worst thing to have happened, most of them were pretty good. The performances were good, but what happened between the performances compressed my hopes of having a fairly alright day. My friendship group was spilt up all over the shop. We never actually sat together. That wasn't the worst of it, I'm pretty used to it. It was just the fact that there were horrible tones thrown at me. Patronising, bitchy, not caring tones. Most of them treat me like I'm stupid.
Then, after all the performances some of us wandered to the shops to get some food. We accidently neglected someone, as we were under the assumption that she in fact was not talking to us. So hey! What are we supposed to do?
Then I come home, and I am confronted by an angry errm.... person. Not even a friend. I had a good telling off by this particular someone. I loved it. That always happens, this someone always picks the wrong days to have a go at me. They ALWAYS pick the bad days and we all know where that gets me.
Then I lost one of my friends by me telling her the truth, and by her telling me something terrible, that I'm not at liberty to dicuss.
That was my day. I seem to be a royal screw up. In the words of... someone "everything I touch turns to shit" soooo true.
The vibes are coming back. The urge to hurt. Not kill, just hurt badly. The dog won't stop barking. I want to throw myself. Not off a building, or a cliff. Just... through some sort of portal so I can get out of here. So I can be in another world, with new people, things, situations.
I need that spell that got rid of the bad vibes before. I just want to be over. Finished. Gone. Then the fuckers wouldn't have to care about me.
What is with that? Why is everyone being so bitchy to me? It's not like I killed anyone. It's not like I'm going to. I mean, When I get a little bitchy at them, they get all huffy about it. But when they get bitchy at me... I soak it up. Why do I put up with it?
I shouldn't. I should get all huffy at them and leave them. It's not fair. I hate it! I hate it SOOO MUCH! I need more confidence. I need the courage to get up and walk away. But where do I get that from?
I hate it how they think that I'm soo stupid that they use "code" around me and think I won't get it. I'm not that stupid and juvenile.
So close to tears,
So far from a truth
Losing grip Repressing
It's under control
That's what I say
But am I wrong?
Lost a life,
There's nothing much left.
Ahhh... I thought all this was getting easier. But it's not. Some days I don't care, some days it hangs onto me. Today it's hanging on tightly. I'm getting a little paranoid. Actually... a lot paranoid. What sucks is that I'm the only one who can answer and resolve all these queries and problems in my head. How do I go about making the right decision?
JUST MAKE IT STOP!
I'm going to cry and I don't know why. Life is way too hard for me.. I'm not good enough for it. I don't deserve it. "I need more time, yes I need more time, just to make things right" (- Don't Go Away, Oasis.) I need all the time in the world to undo all the shit I've spun up in my short life.
It's not worth the pain... the guilt... the shame.
Nothing is worth this much heartbreak. NOTHING!
I wish I was somewhere else, somewhere where I did deserve what I got... HA! That would probably be in a gutter.
I heard today that I have a naturally poetic mind.
Why don't any of these Aussie athletes know the Australian Anthem!?!
It's really not my night tonight...
Thought I had direction
A way to start and end
Now what I saw has disappeared
What do I do?
What do I say?
To keep you this way
Jumping to conclusions
Doing the wrong thing
Making stupid mistakes
Feeling I'm going to cry
"Just hold on, hold on,
Slow down, slow down,
You're out of touch, out of touch.
Cause there is no desire for life,
There's no devils haircut in you mind
There is not a wonderwall to climb
Or step around
But there is a slide show and it's so slow
Flashing through my mind
Today was the day, but only for the first time.
I hope it's not the last time." ~Slideshow, Travis
Stop the argument
Stop the fighting
'Cause there's only pain
Stop the day that I forget you
Because I don't want all this again.
The lights flicker as she walks through the stuffy hall. The air is so thin, she can hardly breathe. “Never mind that,” she thinks as she guides herself to the room that was made for her. Number 57. The hall is long and is lined with hundreds of doors.
It’s like being in a horror movie. The only way to run is forward, and even if you do that, you will eventually reach the end and get caught. The carpet runner on the floor stops running, but the girl keeps moving. The numbers carved into the door are hardly visible in the dullish light. “Never mind that,” she thinks. She will find her room. “It’s near the end… or was that the other way?” There are no windows along this airless hall and even if there were, you wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway.
Like in a horror movie, nobody could see what was going on behind, or outside closed doors. The air became thinner towards the end of the long hall. The lights became darker. A non-existent breeze blew through her hair and rattled her bones. But it didn’t faze her. She was determined to find the room. She stood still for a moment, trying to see the number carved on the door in front of her. She saw no number, but she heard sounds.
She heard sounds of pleasure, exhausted pleasure. Intrigued she listened for a moment. Pressing her ear against the door. Breaching much wanted privacy. Nonetheless she stayed. She stayed for what seemed like hours, until the pleasure stopped. She stood and listened to the quiet shuffling and quiet footsteps. Someone was coming towards the door.
The girl sprinted down one direction of the hall. To her great fortune, the person who came out of the room started to walk in the other direction. They were wearing nothing but a white sheet wrapped around them like a toga. The girl began to follow the toga lady, still searching for her room. She came to the room where the sounds had come from, and noticed that now it was silent, so she kept moving. The toga lady disappeared behind another door. Once again the girl was left alone to wonder the halls. Number 57 was the number she was looking for. She reached the room to which the toga person had entered and felt the carving on the door.
Number 57 she guessed and knocked softly. The lady previously in the toga answered. Now they were wearing a nice, clean set of pyjamas.
“Where have you been?” The toga lady asked.
“Looking for you.” The girl answered as she entered the nicely lit room. The toga lady stood in the doorway for a moment looking a little worried.
“Mum” The girl said
“Yes” The toga lady whispered as she closed the door.
“Was it fun?”
Once again I have a little trouble with my past/present tense. Sorry about that.
This post was edited by kaizley on Aug 19, 2004.
Laying in bed last night as the last of me disintergrates. Listening to the songs that used to build me up, but it's not working. Memories, thoughts, words are once again taking control. It's been a while since this has happened. A month ago at least. But again my thoughts enslave me. Trying to whip in into shape. Robbing me of sleep. Up at unreasonable hours of the night.
Can't explain exactly what is going through my head. Happiness, sadness, anger... mostly anger. I feel an urge. An urge for what?
If I leave, will they notice? Will they find this and ask why? I need to talk to someone. But everybody is gone. This angst stuff was supposed to end ages ago... but it hasn't and they don't want to hear about it anymore.
I love them so i respect their wishes. I pretend that everything is alright and don't bother them with my useless problems. It is almost midnight after all. That is best for my loved ones. My friends. I need my friends more than anything in the whole entire world. If I don't have them, I wouldn't have anything.
Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine.
Time passes so slowly when you want it to leave you alone. A second seems an eternity.
Digging my fingers into my sides. Trying to get the pain to go somewhere else instead of in my head. It doesn't hurt all that much. It feels good. Very good. Too good.
I don't cry. I'm not allowed to cry anymore. "Don't let them know how you really feel" I wrote once. That is the most wrong, stupid piece of bullshit that I've ever written. Let everyone know how you feel.