lotus's journal

Where are the footprints I left in your light?

Did you close your eyes before you could see,
The way I felt, my dreams, my tears, my life?

Has the shine in my eyes faded from yours?
Where has it travelled so slowly, surely?

I open my eyes again, you to have gone,
Perhaps I stayed too long in this place?

I miss your warmth here, your way..

Can I retrace everything I’ve lost to find my way again?

I too have gone, travelling far from where I was,
I may find your light one day, but now I am growing

Stronger

How can a life change so rapidly from meeting new people or discovering such special and wonderfully sweet people you never knew they were? You never know the depths of a person unless you want to. Unfortunately that's true in many societies, people are too concerned about what others think, there are too many labels, too many stereotypes and too many misconceptions. Everyone is missing out on everyone.

What is lacking are kind words, not for the purpose of exchanging them, that's just meaningless unless you really feel, but just from one person to another in honestly. But you can't say something true and nice unless you want to or need to, and that's what is absent. People do not realise how fantastic others really are because sometimes they don't want to and so don't see anything in them to compliment or even acknowledge. When's the last time you noticed something wonderful about someone or saw how much effort they put into the things they do? This isn't intended to be corny or stupid, it's just what I feel. People don't feel enough, and by the time they do it's too late.

There's too much frustration these days? I see people everyday stressed and unable to appreciate the simple things in life. Life is a gift, it's so beautiful, so why can't they see that? You should enjoy life for what it is, it's yours.

This post was edited by lotus on Nov 01, 2004.

Hmmmm what can I say really, life has its ups and downs, I guess you have to learn to live with them.

Been unbelievably busy lately, it's amazing to how much the body and mind can sustain before it explodes haha. Well i'm exhausted but I can't sleep, maybe I have insomnia? Possibly. It wouldn't surprise me, well a mild case of it anyhow. Feeling rather neutral at the moment if thats an emotion, i'm not happy nor sad, but i'm just here, existing. On the other hand I could be going crazy? Content? That will do.

I've neglected netalive too, among many other things, regretfully I might add. I do enjoy reading the forums, its amazing how people can become mildy attached to something, an international mail box for anyone to read. I suppose this is the only dent I can leave in the lives of people I would have otherwise never known to have existed. The net brings us a little bit closer to our own existence, from this site you can see just about every emotion, thought and event from completely different individuals from around the world. That's an achievement in its self.

I wonder sometimes the affect of other peoples experiences and thoughts on us, do they change how we behave or merely exist as fleeting amusements which will, like all things in time, be forgotten? I suppose if you look to deep you might miss what's happening on the surface, and if you don't look deep enough you might just miss the meaning.

I've stumbled upon possibly one of the greatest Japanese bands of all time. If you've never heard of X or X-Japan as they became known, you'll know now. They performed around the 70/80's but disbanded in the late 90's, its a touching story really so if your intersted read abit more on it. Sadly their story doesn't have a happy ending but it does reveal the overwhelming adoration, respect and love they gained in Japan. They have been sorely missed by an endless array of people wordwide. I particularly like their love ballard's like Say Anything, Endless Rain, Forever Love, Tears, Crucify My Love...but they range to many other styles also, like rock and even classical, this groupd is soo amazing because of their versatility. Fortunately for me, many of the lyrics are translated into english and the songs themselves contain lots of english lyrics, however i was wondering if anyone could translate the Japanese lines for me..? i'm desperate to discover those hidden lines. If anyone can help at all i'd really, really appreciate it.
*hide in sweet memory..*

X-Japan - The Last Song

Watching the stars till they're gone
Like an actor all alone
Who never knew the story he was in
Who never knew the story ends.
Like the sky reflecting my heart
All the colors become visible
When the morning begins
I'll read last line

Owaranai ame dakishimeta yoru ga asa o mukaeru
Kokoro wa mada nureta mama

In endless rain I've been walking
Like a poet feeling pain
Trying to find the answers
Trying to hide the tears
But it was just a circle
That never ends
When the rain stops, I'll turn the page
The page of the first chapter
Kizutsuku dake kizutsuite wakatta hazu no kotae o
Doutshite mada doui kaketeru
Am I wrong to be hurt
Am I wrong to feel pain
Am I wrong to be in the rain
Am I wrong to wish the night won't end
Am I wrong to cry
But I know, It's not wrong to sing The Last Song
Cause forever fades

Kigatsukeba mata hikari-yoru no sora o mitsumeteru
Sukoshi-zutsu kiete yuku OUR MEMORIES
Kizutsuku dake kizutsuite wakatta hazu no kotae o
Doutshite mada dou ikaketeru

I see red
I see blue
But the silver lining gradually takes over
When the morning begins
I'll be in the next chapter

Owaranai ame dakishimeta yoru ga asa o mukaeru
Kokoro wa mada nureta mama
Kizutsuku dake kizutsuite wakatta hazu no kotae o
Dou shite mada dou ikaketeru

I choose to be selfish on the worst days and it's quite embarrassing and depressing when I look back on my behaviour. Worst of all, it's done and I can't undo it. Sometimes I honestly wish with every fibre of my being, I could redo certain times in my life, exams for one, god don't we all..

I've said some pritty nasty things to my family, and for what reason I don't know, do i have the right to do that just because i'm indulging in a shitty mood? No. Too many things are said out of anger, and then come the regrets, well for me anyway. My parents have given me so many things both material and heart felt over the years, but I just throw it back in their faces on occassions. I try to be civil even when i'm internally hostile but sometimes i slip. WHY!

I feel so guilty for some of the things i've said but sometimes a 'sorry' isn't enough. As i wallow in self-pitty and on 'if only's' i'm wasting time that I could use to rectify the situation. If your like me sometimes, try not to be, your parents aren't going to be around forever and they do love you so give them the time they've given you.

A few things have been flying past my thoughts recently, and it's rather disturbing but also sad.
If the world as we know it were about to be utterly obliterated, and I had only a few hours to live, what would i do, who would i see before the end?
I've noticed that many people tend to confess hidden secrets, desires, acts and opinions if they are under the impression they are going to die or are threatened with severe violence. It's sad that it has to take such drastic forces for people to honestly express what they really feel or comitt what they want to do.
Back to the end of the world. If that did come about i'm sure i would evaluate my life and prioritise what is important to me and naturally deal with those things first, however there is a part of me that would rather do other things and see pther people. To me inside that would seem right, but i know it wouldn't be right - thank heavens this is a hypothetical situation.
To know your very existence would come to an end so suddenly is powerful knowledge but also emotionally disturbing. I mean, if the world ends, does money and creature comforts really matter in the grand scale of things? No. They don't touch our lives, people and loved ones do and you can hold memories much more closer than any material possession you deem worthy of purchasing.
To much emphasis is placed on achieving success followed by the notion success = happiness. Equating your life to mere subservience is tragic. The only thing which lives on physically and that which we further, is businesses and human ambition. Once the loyal worker dies another arrives to take their place. The business never dies (I know, bankruptcy) but continues to consume more lives, more time and more happiness. Sure we can get things from this business but at what price?
Is anyone truely happy? If the end comes and you realise 'No, i'm not happy' you'll do something or see someone which does make you happy. But the circumstance in which it took you to make such a decision and the time you have forfeited from what makes you happy, you will only get a short amount of time to achieve your final task.
From this i realise i have many regrets far too great to remedy but with the knowledge i can if i truely wish to.