majic's journal

I'll be honest and forthcoming in this next entry. I'm not sure exactly where it began or just how it happened. But somewhere along the line I developed a social anxiety disorder. As with all things, somedays are better than others. I do pretty well under the circumstances. I don't take any drugs for it and I have self diagnosed myself.

For those of you that are well adjusted and do not know what social anxiety disorders are, I'll attempt to explain my definition.

In my case I have trouble in public areas where there are alot of people. I get very nervous, extremely shy, I will think everyone is looking at me even when they aren't. It's really funny, I get extremely nervous talking to complete strangers and will at times try to totally avoid it. When walking down the street and somebody is walking the opposite direction I will at times get very nervous walking by them. Trying to say hi comes out as total garbage because when I get nervous I can not speak with any distinction. As I said some days are better than others and the anxiety comes and goes. I deal with it pretty well.

I used to be very bad in school and would avoid the oral presentations (projects) during classes. I would never get up infront of the class and discuss anything. I would take the failing grade as if it were nothing special. I'd probably die of a heart attack, my heart would be racing and my adrenaline levels would be sky rocketing. It gets to the point where I get light headed. This anxiety is something very profound.

Today however I can get up in front of a group and talk but I get nervous and my voice changes sometimes. My heart beat races and my adrenaline levels increase. I can deal with it pretty well nowadays. I've come along way in 15 years of this disorder.

If anyone has been here and has any suggestions I am all ears!

I've written something that I think fits well with this subject.

A True Test Of Faith

Can't you see I only just began
to see what everyone else has already been seeing
I'll wipe away these tears tonight
and start my life fresh
all because you asked me to

This is a true test of faith
a switch from my twisted mind
I can begin today to live again
only because you asked me too

The days have been pulling at my sanity
and tearing apart my insides
Let me look from within your eyes
to see what I've been missing

Seeing this world in a different light
is an amazing sight to behold
I feel I can go on with this tonight
if you just give me time

I took a step outside today
was along time since I attempted that
I have to say I am glad you believed in me
I did it only because you asked me to

This is a true test of faith
a switch from my twisted mind
I can begin today to live again
all because you asked me too

There are only two dates which stand out in my life more than any other dates I can remember. The dates are February 25th, 1995 and September 12th, 2002. The former is the date that I met my loving wife and the later is when I met my precious little daughter Shelby for the first time.

I have to say without a shadow of a doubt that I am absolutely and unequivocally attached to these two very special women. There is this undying love that rests itself in a special place in my heart.

My life has forever been changed by these two people. I say definitely for the better. I couldn't imagine my life without them. Not even for a second.

I wrote a little something for them. Tonight my love is saying the following words:

My Blood Will Spill, This Love

see this, feel this,
be this love, tonight,

It's you, It's me,
It could be everything,

I am, I was, I will be this,
I am, I was, I will feel this,
love
today, tomorrow, tonight
feel this, feel me, I am,
I can, feel this, I feel,
this love

there is a test for all of us,
there is a life for each of us,
take it, free it, be it,
I am, I will, I can,
I can, I will, I am it,
tonight,
I love this
I am this

today you'll see me, I am real,
today my blood will spill with this love,
this undying love for you.

I love you...

I have hopes that this can be turned into a song. Most probably a metal song (because of the phrasing). It would have powerful riffs and strong emotional twists. Yeah, that's exactly where I'd go with it! =)

There is this secret which could be true. This secret is just the kind of dream that has been plaguing me since the mid 80's. Could we be the only ones in this vast universe? Surely we are not that naive to think we are the end all and be all of life. How could we be so stupid?

I've sacrificed small animals in the name of the writing GOD's and I've burned a thousand candles in their name. I have devoted my next song writing experience to the MAJESTIC project.

This song is inspired in the style of Killswitch Engage! When I write the music for it, it will be loud, it will be full of passion and it will be compelling in everyway! My heart bleeds for this!

MAJIC 12

There is this place I like to go
where nobody is allowed to know
it's in the hearts and minds of everyone
but is suppressed by all that see
this place is a special sort of dream
in the cracks of society

I know you know what I mean
I know you are exactly like me
we hold this secret together
and keep it held near

There is a blue in the sky
it's like you always imagined
everyday would be just like any other
but so wrong you were to believe
we know that this is not the truth
we know deep down we are not alone
we have this feeling in us
to know what they know

I know you know what I say
I know this is true in everyway
I have this feeling in me
it plagues me night and day

this seclusion is a nightmare
it's the dream we want to forget
it's just the fiction we write about
on the days we want to remember

I know you know
I know you're like me
we hold this secret together
and love it
like we do each other

There is a blue in the sky
it's like you always imagined
everyday would be just like any other
but so wrong you were to believe
we know that this is not the truth
we know deep down we are not alone
we have this feeling in us
to know what they know

--

I think I'm finally starting to learn and progress in my song writing. This song just sort of came to me while listening to Killswitch Engage. It speaks volumes to me. I am sitting on top of a mountain looking down now. I love this feeling!

Even though I love the idea of keeping a journal, I feel that the internet is not really the place for mundane things that are kept in a journal. I'd rather take the extra time to paint a picture with words and put it in the form of a poem. This is more productive than "I saw sally today, I really liked it, my life is shit and I am like s00000 depressed... I would really like to have hot steamy sex with sally... blah". So for my next entry into what it means to be me I'd like to paint the picture of a misguided journey that is forever askew from reality. The poem is purposefully vague.

Crashing Down

I could come crashing down
upon myself I'd lay
I could pick myself up
and put my thoughts away
a tripping sort of fantasy
a whispy sort of touch
I could be a man today
and hold my head high
but silliness would prevail
a saddening mental cry
out of flesh I'd bare my soul
a rested spark of intuition
a just sort of special mission
to understand the roads
that pave my inner space
the kind that connect
a thought to a thought
to a way to reality
which presents itself today
a tragic kind of fiction
that's true in every way
I am master of myself
a kind of king, in a way
the kind that lends
attention to his kingdom
and never misses a day
when the enemy is waiting near
and my heartbeat lurks in fear

Again, it's purposely vague. What does it mean you ask??? How the fuck should I know. It's a poem and it's not supposed to make sense. Ok, enough of my cynical attitude. =)

I've got a notepad that has a million and one thoughts, ideas and memories. While I was going through it I noticed some things that I just had to make known to the world. Here you will see some of the fragments of my thoughts...

1.

Fire in my mind,
burns a thousand degrees,
burns until a whisper stems,
from a crisp cool breeze.

2.

Seclusion is a state of mind,
with ruminations of waterfalls,
a closure of a midday's sun,
in GOD's perpetual splendor.

3.

This day has made me weary
in mind, body and spirit
I'm tired, I can't write
I can't garnish this page
with candlelight, music
or a special word. My
thoughts are bullshit and
my mind cannot comprehend
itself. It can't express itself
into anything rational. Creativity
has taken a leave of absence
this page is under construction
will be back after lunch
out all week

4.

rain drops
rose petals
sleepy days
show shovels
peach trees
daffodils
cloudy days
and
wheaping willows

5.

Pain is a self deprecation
of my inner self perpetuating fears

6.

Memories are sweet
as sweet as a rainbow
after a storm. But
as sweet as they are
'T is bitter to think
they can never be lived
again.

7.

Everyday I attend a funeral
for my good friend yesterday
I cry a thousand tears
and stumble for the right words to say

--

I share with you just a few more words, just a few more thoughts. However, they have yet to be written. They live inside a mixed up mind that sometimes wishes not to tell of it's secrets!

=)

This post was edited by majic on Nov 04, 2005.

Last night while under the influence of life I happened to stumble on this particular free verse lying deep within the bowels of myself. This writing is somewhat of a rollercoaster, it reads faster in some areas and seems to build up in others. Have fun, see if you can pick out the rhythm.

my thoughts are cloudy
somewhat ablaze
a twisting turning
sort of maze
a drink here
a drink over there
I can feel the buzz
of life
pinch me
touch me
tell me I'm real
let me know this
is the fucking deal
am I'm suppose to feel this good
when I'm alone
and not with you
I doubt it
but this is how
I spend my
time
writing
creating
needing
longing
suffering
urging
yearning
I can hang on
I'm strong
I am me
all along
I can do more
than people credit
I can do more
than I merit
I have blood
I have tears
I have all
that steers
my soul in a direction
with an endless bound
a mystic melody
with a forgiving sound
listen to me
listen well
I am more
than I
will ever
tell
...