majic's journal

I'm sure I'm repeating myself in some form or another and I am truly saddened by that, please forgive me

Here I am... pouring out my tears again from the failures of my life. Oh I'm so smart yet I still fail. This music is so emotional and I don't know if anyone feels this. I wish somebody did....

Can somebody see this love? If I pick a word today and hand it to you would you know exactly the emotion from whence it came? Could you look into my eyes and say... yes Frank I understand exactly?

Can anyone do this?

Can I do this? Am I even for real?

Why do I need this love? Why am I reaching out? After all, society tells us all we need is money to survive. We need shelter, food and money. Do we need love? Do we need companionship? Fuck, I'm just a goddamn lemming on this fucking earth.

I have no idea.

These thoughts are raw, uncensored and a witness to the torment that is inside me constantly. Most days I can shelter the wrath of myself and keep it's powers at bay. Oh, when I listen to the music I can feel it, it's not just a top ten single, no I can sense the emotion in the words and in her voice. Kelly Clarkson, baby you are my idol, fuck America...

I've learned a lesson from Wendy, this human emotion can fill the page, it's touch upon my page is a testament to the beating of my heart. I can take a word and put it here and put a few over there. The sentences will be short and some long. I can think a thought and place it in the front or in the back of whatever other thought I wish to bestow. Yet in the end the raw human fucking emotion shows through and the life that is inside me is all there for somebody to decipher and hold against me. Fuck I've said too much and now my heart will be held liable for wanting to love another...

I am scared but sometimes strong, and other times running from everything this world has to offer. Can you understand this? Can you tell me Frank, I know what you are going through and I'd like to be your friend? Nobody has.... 30 fucking goddamn years and I am still a fucking scared person on this earth. I wanna be loved yet do not feel any. Please I wanna be me. I wanna show you..

I love trance music, especially when it has female vocals, I love writing, I wanna help you, I love to express myself with any word in the english language. I am not afraid of the words fuck, goddamn, piss or motherfucker. To each their own and likewise.

Would you understand the feeling I have when I get behind the wheel of a car and drive, listening to my favorite music? The pure fucking emotion of vocal trance, throbbing in my ears and my mind traveling to a better place, I see the road but I also feel good, and this is definitely something I want to do.

This music and these words and their symmetrical bond, their gravitational field around my heart and mind. I cannot escape thee, nor do I wish to. I love you, do you love me?

And now I feel quit stupid for saying any of this. When I wake up in the morning I will feel quilty for allowing myself to have been exposed and unfolded in such a violating manner. God does anyone understand me, I don't even fucking understand myself.

love me, don't hate me...

This post was edited by majic on Nov 08, 2005.

Yes, Inconsistancy is my middle name, it's the trait in my personality that makes me quite the asshole. Hypocrite? Yes please... I'm all happy one minute then all sad the next. I tell you I love you then I tell you I hate you. Bi-polar? Yes more thanks! I am a head trip, a train wreck tragedy going 120 mph into a brick wall, death is starring me in the face yet I still show no emotion.

I can't understand this... Really I've just been crying out, I need a friend that knows me. I need a person to hang out with, somebody I can shoot the shit with, not somebody on IM or IRC, somebody real that I could reach out and touch and they wouldn't be horrified or cry rape. I need another human being in the fucking flesh that sees my reflection, goddamn this shit. I can't do it, no matter what, I could not tell a stranger on the road hello and it sound real. Yet I do and it horrifies me because they just ignore me.

Am I too far out there? Am I just that far removed? Could I stoop as low as to earn a real friend? Could I tell you good morning without sounding like a sarcastic asshole? I don't think so, I've tried. It doesn't work. Please tell me the secret to this formula. I want to make a friend and not horrify them and scare them away. No I don't wanna fucking break the ice with "Nice weather where having? Eh???", is it just that fucking idiotic to make a friend?

I have a few friends that I cannot be myself around, I mean I have to show them what they want to see. I can't show them all of me, they wouldn't understand. Nobody understands my musical tastes, not even my wife, she hates it and I'm not allowed to listen to any of it in her presence. Are you fucking kidding me? Even after I have to put up with yet more hours of Gospel music that is not in the style of singing that I like? Exactly at what point do my needs become relevant? Yeah explain that one to me. Fuck this.

I wanna talk about Emily Dickinson but I'm sure it'd bore everyone. I could tell you about dynamics of a sentence in the scope of a stanza of a poem but I'm sure somebody would look the other way.

I could tell you I read John Keats the other day and dabbled in W.B. Yeats, yet I'm sure somebody just got lost. I don't know on what wavelength to reach another human soul.

I don't have a goddamn degree from an overpriced college nor do I walk in the footsteps of the other lemmings in the fucked up world. I do my own motherfucking thing, I can't be bothered with a classroom, it doesn't make me smart, either I am or I'm not. A classroom will not change me. I know what I love, I can taste it, I can feel it, I can rub it all over my body and it feels as real as it did yesterday. I know the smell of life, I've been there, I can transpose that smell into words for which the human brain can understand. I can translate the human emotion into a verbal impulse, yet I can't figure out how to reach another human being on a purely emotional level.

What am I doing wrong? I wanna tell you hi and it mean something, I wanna see that in your eyes... But to this day I haven't...

I wanna be loved but right now I don't feel loved.

This post was edited by majic on Nov 08, 2005.

My life to the tune of Jon Secada - Just Another Day (George Acosta Remix)

It's just another day without you....

I'll explain...

So what's going on in my life? Ah.. I dunno... The grandmother is dying.. I can't be there, the family is though, heart attacks and congestive heart failure and kidney failure can kiss my white fucking ass. Life sometimes sucks and it definitely does suck when you are on the verge of death no matter what the consequences.

These people here need me, I can't leave. I don't want to leave, I'm helping them. Somebody will understand someday... I'm growning quite a love for New Orleans...

Life is complicated and best viewed with internet explorer... no seriously... Bill Gates can suck me off as well... I hope he dies a painful death... Would make me feel better if it was from me deep throating him and he choked to death on my manhood...

no seriously...

So here I sit, this art all consuming, this music just what I always thought it was, this beer is yummy... Get's me right where I want to be. Then I have myself, a person that wants to reach out and enjoy the company of others around him. I have no idea where to go to do that, I am stuck in my world, I have my job which I love and the relentless numbers of new motherfuckers I meet on a daily basis. I have no consistancy, no stable friend base because I am never in one place long enough to establish myself.

Here today, gone tomorrow, tears in the corners of my eyes because I am starving inside for an emotional satisfaction that I cannot get from whatever my path in life seems to be...

I want to go to Starbucks with my imaginary friends and talk and have good times while we enjoy the pleasures of what it means to be alive.

I want to talk to my imaginary friends and share my love for music and writing. They would share their exact same love and we'd be all smiles for the rest of eternity.

I wanna go outside with my imaginary friends and take pictures of the landscapes and the life that is happening now, but they aren't here to experience this with me...

I wanna tell my imaginary friends that I really like to be around them, they make me smile and happy. On sundays we could enjoy the football game and kick a few back... you know.. barbeque some chicken and fry up some potatoes and enjoy ourselves.. All while we yell and curse the TV when our team is sucking...

I'd like to bring my daughter over to my imaginary friends house so she could meet his/her daughter/son, yeah that'd really rock. Yet here I am, a tear away from ecstasy...

The world is on fire and it's definitely more than I can handle... Yes Sarah McLachlan said these words and GOD BLESS her soul. I love her too...

I love so many, yet I seldom feel the same.

I wanna know you, I'd like to buy you a cup of coffee, I'd like to be in the same city that you live in, yet here I am in another fucking city where I am a stranger in a strange land. I can't help it, I do what I do because I want to help people, yet I am not helping myself, I'm.... you fill in the rest.

Love me, don't hate me...

This is my testimony of how a free lunch can really suck. This is my most artistic usage of food since the day I was born. Too bad I didn't enjoy my masterpiece... =(

Ingredients:

- 2 slices of bread
- 1 can of tuna fish
- 1 packet of relish
- 1 packet of mayo
- 1 packet of mustard
- 1 piece of string cheese
- 1 boiled egg

I could only eat two bites and I was mad as hell. I could not get over the fishiness of tuna. It smelled so raw and nasty. The third bite was gagging me. I washed it down with half a gallon of Dr. Pepper and sour cream and onion potato chips and vanilla cookies.

Thank you FEMA for this wonderful meal.

I wanna kill myself now... FUCK!

This post was edited by majic on Nov 08, 2005.

Inside your mind you know a place that you would like to be. This place is not like what's here. This place is perfect and magical and it's your place. Take a moment and think about your place.

Best experienced with 'Robert Miles - Children' playing softly in the background

In this lucid light,
I'll drift upon a beam,
to a far off place,
with a meadow and a stream,

I'll dance upon each blade of grass,
and dip my toes in the seas of time,
absorb the air around me,
with that twinkle sweet sublime,

the sky oh widening gasp,
a brilliant fabric; blue,
can wrap itself inside me,
and hold me to this mew,

This never wanton scape,
oh tempt me to awake,
an achetypal fantasy,
a passionate breathe I'll take.

This post was edited by majic on Nov 07, 2005.

On the building blocks of dreams hangs a deafening silence, a perfect stillness, a profound unequivocal ability to hear life and the universe. I'm but a time traveler, an explorer of the mind, I rest on the side of the prosecution, my thoughts will be held liable. This is what I have to say. I can't afford bail.

In this next piece I've taken the liberty to coin the word 'majic' as a shortened form of majestic.

A clarity lay before me,
a birth of earthen stone,
a quivering pulse of reckoning,
a mental symphonic tone,

there came but just a few,
upon a seed of hope,
can conjure days in plenty,
and unseemly majic dope,

a refuse of mental imagery,
a slight of cosmic trajectory;
see the horizon's stillness --
and it's reflectivity,

i'm a time traveler,
a person from otherwhere,
here today a buzzing sound,
tomorrow just a mar.

This post was edited by majic on Nov 07, 2005.