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Funny. I was entirely in the middle of something else, and had this overwhelming urge to log on here out of nowhere. I see why, because null, ginsterbush, and andromacha where just on here. I've had this overwhelming need to say sorry to Bernie, because I think I misinterpreted something he said a few years ago. If that IS the case, and that is what I did to make you ignore me Bernie, then I am truly sorry. It was an honest mistake. If it was because I wasn't there for you in your time of need, then I am sorry as well. I am human. I was going through huge changes at the time in which your life was falling apart. For what it is worth, I am sorry. I miss your friendship and even if you never want to speak to me again, I am truly grateful for your kindness to me here online. Your letters, phone calls and chocolate during one of the darkest periods of my life were deeply treasured. I saw you as friend. I am sorry that we aren't anymore. I miss you, for what it is worth.
I knew I needed to say this, and realize that you may still choose never to speak to me anymore, or tell me exactly what it was I did. But maybe you don't have to...I think I can guess. And now I've said I'm sorry in my heart a million times, as well as here. And if I never hear from you again, at least I've done the right thing. You may choose never to speak to me again, but please accept my apology.
Elena, I just found your e-mail from January 27th. Wrote you back. I'm sorry. I'm an airhead. Loved reading about Neil, and your writing, and the Master's degree, and the little cat Luna. I can check e-mail regularly now. I sent an e-mail to that effect, and would looooooove to hear from you! Sorry I missed the e-mail. Please don't hate me. I've been practically living in the Dark Ages electronically for some time now...until recently. Still no computer though.
wOlf, got your e-mail too, way back when. I sent you an up-dated e-mail for me recently, and a snail mail address. Miss our late night chats, you were always so very funny.
And Bernie, whatever I did, well need I say more...except maybe you should fill me in on whatever was I did (I mean, besides protesting feeling like the 40-year-old woman you were referring to in your last letter years ago. If that was it, sorry I took offense. I had just turned 40 myself, you know. We ALL have issues.) Good luck with the new girl.
All in all, the last few years have been a whilrwind of change, and also quite fabulous! Not interested in elaborating here. If you know me, and you want to find me, and I want to talk to you, you will...
Quoting from my profile, and hence from author Edward Hunter, I have this to say on the subject of the sort of brainwashing that goes on rampantly in political regimes, religious organizations, and in abusive relationships:
The intent is to change a mind radically so that its owner becomes a living puppet - a human robot - without the atrocity being visible from the outside. The aim is to create a mechanism in flesh and blood, with new beliefs and new thought processes inserted into a captive body. What that amounts to is the search for a slave race that, unlike the slaves of olden times, can be trusted not to revolt, always to be amenable to orders, like the insect to instincts. - Edward Hunter, "Brainwashing"
If you do any sort of reading, extensive or otherwise, about Hitler's regime, or Pol Pot, or Mao, or even Jim Jones, and David Koresh, you are likely to find out that these are not all dark, or at least weren't so in the beginning. Jim Jones spearheaded a number of efforts early on to help the unfortunate and needy, following a trend that a lot of egoistic cult leaders follow, which is to search out those who are either weak, or whom have recently witnessed severe tragedies in their lives, such as the loss of a job, a death in the family, or severe illness. Even Hitler began with a desire to reinstitute German pride in the rich history of his country, heralding what many thought at the time to be a German rennaissance. Of course, something went terribly wrong along the way...power over others has a tendency way to often to create paranoid egomaniacs.
I guess one has to ask constantly of oneself, everytime you think about even such things as the phrase "turning it over to a higher power", is this higher power, or is this person who is its representative, even, humble enough to want what is best for you TRULY, or is it only a ruse designed to make you think that what they want for themselves is what you want? If the latter is a pertinent description of someone who has the potential to 'brainwash' another, then everyone could, conceivably, at one time or another, be considered suspect in that department.
However, we are all human, and sometimes we try to force our opinions on others, only later to realize that they have a right to their own opinion, however faulty we may think it is. Others don't have that sense of conscience, and ultimate power, ultimate control is their aim, in the guise of helping you. They may even make it possible for you to achieve great heights financially, politically, and even spiritually, but one always probably ought to be asking the question: "Is this person or organization still honoring my right to be human, and not an automaton?" Is there room to be 'you' in the midst of the cohesiveness called variously, Oneness, family, and the group?
False gurus are everywhere and anywhere. Cult leaders exist as organizers of even small groups of 2 or 3 people, and cults aren't necessarily strictly the preserve of religious groups or political organizations. Sometimes they claim to be able to help you just succeed in the world, and success isn't bad, but when you lose your sense of being human and become like an insect, or an automaton following orders, that isn't good.
Many philosophers throughout the ages have advocated the healthy questioning of anything you hear. I'd venture to say that listening to your heart is the best way to go about it. If you place yourself within your heartspace, and something feels funny about what you are being told, it probably is....humility, kindness, forgiveness, respect and love for others as yourself are life-affirming. Blind obedience without question is not....however much it might land you a $100,000 a year job. Some things just are not worth the price you have to pay to get them.
But then you know, you all do know me, I, just as much as everyone else can have the tendency to do things that are bad for me, and which I don't consider to be morally right. Sometimes it is so hard to let go of old ways of being, especially when there are those who actively don't want you to let go. But I have to say, I continually question myself. I know there are many, many things I still need to change about my life, but I'm not about to give up my right to be human.
I am quite aware that both before I came to this site, and while I was on it, and even now, I am recovering from the aftereffects of having survived a cult-like atmosphere involving severe brainwashing. To that end, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of reading, as well as no longer drinking or smoking as a way to cope. As far as reading, here is another relevant passage from a book:
Negative cult experiences and their traumatic aftereffects need to be confronted and explored so that their effect can be diminished. This exploration allows positive and constructive developments to take hold. To facilitate healing, most cult survivors find it useful to understand the dynamics of cult organizations, their social structures and internal workings, concepts related to thought-reform, and social-psychological influences and the sophisticated recruitment, retention, and control techniques cults use. Acquiring an objective understanding of your cult experience is a crucial part of moving beyond it.
I think it is very important to realize that some of the most educated, thoughtful people living in the world today have found themselves in the midst of a cult, when they fell prey to some manipulative soul who took advantage of them at a low point in their lives, such as after the death of a loved one to suicide. It isn't just religious groups that do this...it happens in one-on-one relationships all the time. For example, someone is recovering from drug addiction, or they saw their whole family murdered and escaped to another country as a refugee, or their child or wife or mother died, or they were, for instance a prisoner-of-war, traumatized by the whole ordeal.
What happens to someone in the aftermath of tragedies such as war, which used to be termed "shell-shocked", and is now called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, has shockingly similar symptoms and often misdiagnosis as such mental illnesses as Bipolar Disorder, or severe Depression. Getting to the root cause is vitally important. Taking back your life, and choosing yourself where to dedicate it is of the utmost importance if you want to be human, and not a zombie, robot, insect, Borg, or an automaton.
If you find yourself opting to dedicate your life to the upliftment of humanity, and doing selfless service, and it always remains a choice which you can change your mind about, in other words, you don't have to remain a nun, or a renunciate, or a social worker, or a counselor, or a priest, or even a garbage truck driver, then you are likely not working from a totalitarian perspective. Freedom, the freedom to make your own mistakes and learn from them is paramount. Any guru or organization that doesn't allow you to make choices, or that coerces you into making them is working from a place of power and control, not love and the forces of love.
Since this is my journal, I'd say it's pretty acceptable for me to write in it just simply as a bunch of musings on the state of my soul. This isn't a forum, so I'm not preaching to anyone, nor am I expecting any responses. Since I am not expecting any responses you all will pardon me in the event that someone does and I miss it due to inattention on this site.
Coming here to write this was just a detour from my daily pattern, but one I felt to be necessary for my own personal reasons. If it means anything to you, great. If not, that's fine too.
Take care all!
I've been so busy lately, that I even hav forgotten to check in on my email long enough to see what's been going on with all of you. I don't expect that too many people have been checking up on me, though, as I remember correctly most of you seemed rather miffed with me last I checked, and many did not understand what was happening last year at all. It's too bad, but I guess that is the way that the cookie crumbles. I still care about you all though, and hope that your understanding and your hearts will allow you to add 2 and 2 together and get 4, instead of 5 or 6. Eventually.
At any rate, I first wanted to thank Bernie and Tamara for sending the beautiful pictures from their wedding! They arrived today, although the post office apparently soaked the envelope and enclosed pictures in some sort of solvent, which meant that Bernie's face was unrecognizable in one, and that half of the text in the note was obscured. It all looks like some sort of "aging technique". Ha ha! The one photograph looks like I spent a lot of money just to have it aged professionally. Even though the writing was obscured, I still managed to get the gist of it, and wanted to say thank you, and apologize for not being able to make it to Switzerland for the wedding. Bernie and Tamara look lovely in their wedding photos, and Tamara: You are so pretty. You didn't tell me how pretty you are. You must just be modest.
I've kept meaning to send off letters to those whose addresses I have, but have not done so. In the past I was very good about that, but my life has gotten so busy recently, that time seems to just pass like snowflakes melting on a sleeve.
I finally received my Reiki II certification, and then promptly went through an incredible emotional ride. I took out all of the rocks, crystals and gemstones that I had bought back in the year 2000, and began adding to them. One of my friends here, while I was very sick back in March, offered to do a Reiki and crystal healing on me, and it changed my life. I have not been to the doc since. Not even the accupuncturist. Reiki, working with crystal and stones, and my ever present mantra practice have been an incredible force in my life.
I love all of my stones as if they were my babies...the amethyst, golden celestite, aquamarine, smoky quartz, fire agates, phantom quartz, dioptase, morganite,Lemurians, and others have effected dramatic changes. If I had not witnessed it myself, I would not believe. This may not be the path for others, but it is mine, and in that, it is very sacred to me. When I was on here in the past, I didn't talk about it as much as I would like, because I was too vulnerable to the naysayers back then. The power of words is incredible. More than most realize. Trying to discredit what someone holds to be true in their life can actually undo the good that could be happening...that is...if the person's mind is vulnerable. My mind was back then.
So many things have changed, and not the least of which was my recent trip to see a Holy Indian Saint visiting the United States. Being in her presence, I could actually see people's auras for the first time; something which I have always longed to be able to do. Her warmth and love came through in not only the most beautiful colors, but through her heart as well, and into mine. Through her presence, I saw the world as one for a glimpse. I keep getting glimpses, and with each glimpse the picture gets brighter and brighter. Hopefully, one day, the picture will remain clear and stay that way forever. Into eternity.
Though I may not always be here to say "Hi" to everyone, my heart is with you in spirit, and I will continue to care about everyone on this site who has helped me on my path. Even the ones who don't like me, for they too have helped me in their own way. My love and gratitude go out to Bernie, Tamara, Elena, harold_maude, James, and so many others. You have helped to heal my life. And thanks again, Bernie,for the pictures of your lovely wedding.
Since Sunday, I've been so full of happiness. Granted, yesterday, I felt a little like I got hit by a dump truck, but not really. This guy Rob who did the Reiki healing on me...I guess he's a level III with a lot of practice...he said I'd feel wiped at some point. Well I did yesterday, but I wasn't sad.
I swear I feel like I did twelve years ago, before my mother ever got sick, before the hemorraghing, the tumors, the cysts, the cancer, her death. People who knew me back then said that I was happy all of the time, always giggling, always laughing, making other people laugh, goofy jokes, just giggling for no reason. And then things changed. Then I got bitter about life, and angry that she was gone. Angry at the whole world. I've had happy moments since then, but I've never felt like I did before she ever got sick, until now. I just love it.
I don't know whether this is because of What Rob did, or what Ashley did with her Reiki/crystal healing, and her distance healing from Sedona, or if it's just being in Moon's company, and her good vibes rubbed off, or if it's the meditation, or if it's the fact that approximately last week, I've been chanting for a year...I don't know. Or maybe it's that I forgot to smoke my weed somewhere around Sunday....or the organic food, or the fact that the horrendous amount of overwhelming clutter and overflowing books in my home is now disappearing.
Actually, I don't think it's any one thing. It's everything. It's probably partly talking with a friend online here about the loss of his mother. That healed me as well. And it's also the out-of-body experience I had recently where I felt as if I heard all of the voices in the world, crying and laughing. It felt as if everyone is really one being. It's all happening so fast, and I love it. I'm so grateful. I'm actually grateful for the illnesses, and the attempted rape. If that guy hadn't almost raped me, then Rob would not have done the Reiki healing...and I wouldn't feel as if all of the physical violations that have occured in my lifetime were healed.
I've never been so happy in my life. I just want to spread it around. People at work on Monday asked me if I was high. They couldn't believe that I was just happy. It was so foreign to them. Yesterday, when my friend Dan came to pick me up to take me to my car, he said that I seem so happy, and that my Southern accent (long gone for years...) is now back again. It's like I am no longer embarrassed to have a thick accent, and I'm not interested in 'fronting' to be so sophisticated in my speech. I just sound like a southern belle again. I didn't notice it, until he pointed it out. The accent only ever came out before when I was tired and not vigilant enough to cover it up. It's like all of my colors are flying!
And the people I've been around like Dan, just are so affectionate, hugging, kisses on the cheek, sharing the love... so many people came up tonight at work, people I've known for years, people I knew years ago, people I've never met -- to tell me that they really enjoy my presence. But it's not my presence. It's just something bigger I feel.
I feel so connected. I don't feel afraid to talk to people. I'm just so happy I don't know what to do with myself. And ever since I meditated in front of that huge statue of Kuan Yin, I've felt this overpowering urge to go to the hospital around the corner and ask if I can rock the preemies in the neonatal unit, or just reach in the sleeves and touch the ones in the incubators. I want to hold their little heads and rock them, smile at them, sing to them. I don't need the children I've lost to give that kind of love to...everyone's babies and everyone counts.
I'm just so happy I wish I could give it to everyone. Even Mr. Potato Head and Rick. And Linda. And my sister. And James and Wendy. I just want to pass it on. And I know I can do that without even talking to them. But especially I want everyone on here to know how much I really do love you guys for actually, truly, starting this process for me back in September of 2004. I'm actually really grateful to every one of you, even the people I don't seem to be talking to anymore. Just know that I love you. The past is gone. It's over. It's so nice to be looking at leaving with this wonderful feeling in my heart. So nice. I just want to pass it on. And I want it to stay forever. Even if there are bad days, I want to be able to feel that love. I've known that it was there, intellectually, but the way it "feels" is so much better.
Thinking about it is one thing. Actually feeling it is entirely different ball of wax altogether. It's absolutely beautiful. So beautiful. Thank you everyone for your help on this journey. I hope what has healed my heart can heal yours as well. I know there is so much more work to be done for myself and for others, but it just seems like an adventure to me now, rather than a long road uphill. I've still got hills to go up, but I am excited about them. I'm no longer afraid. The fear is gone. Just truly gone. It's gone.
I feel like I could stay well forever, like my body will be on my side now. Not sabotaging my ass. I feel like my little coochie is so pretty, and deserves to be loved. I'm probably gonna go ahead and pierce it with some jewelry to make it look even prettier. I just want to jazz it all up, and show it some love. I wish every woman and every man could feel this way...so open and happy, and accepting of themselves and their sexuality, and how beautiful it is...no more guilt and sadness. No more cancer, no more AIDS. All of the incest and rapes healed. All of the repression gone. All of the guilt gone. And most importantly, the ability to know that life is such a precious gift, and that it is possible to let go of our loved ones who have died, without feeling as if we have betrayed them in moving on with our lives.
Just to let go of guilt and misery period. To feel no need for it...to let the negativity go, and heal our souls. To no longer even have an urge to hurt others. Can you imagine what our criminal justice system would be like with no one on death row, no one in prison, because everyone cares about each other and helps each other? Maybe not in my lifetime, but I hope in someone's lifetime. The sooner the better. To no longer dwell on past guilt, and also not to be engaging in things that will cause more guilt. To not even feel the compulsion to create guilt.
My wish is for everyone else to have this feeling. It truly rocks.
After a decade of teaching aerobics, followed by another decade of stripping, and three years in a Physical Therapy program, followed by an art degree because I felt that modern medecine wasn't creative enough...I think I have found my path.
This is what I was looking for...to heal myself, and then to be able to heal others. Somehow, continuing to strip for a living, while working part-time selling yarn that bothers my sinuses doesn't seem like what I want. Cutting hair for a living doesn't seem to be it. Being a librarian doesn't seem to be it.
It needs to be in the health care field, or the health and wellness field. When I switched my degree from Physical Therapy to Fine Art, I did it hoping to go into a Master's Degree Program in Art Therapy. But I don't even like modern psychological theories. They don't resonate with me.
A few years back when I began to take an interest in different forms of energy healing, I met a man who told me that I was naturally a very gifted healer. Everyone actually has the capacity. They realize that more in other countries, such as China, where children in rural areas are taught to give Chi Kung healing from the time they can walk. But he said that I had an exceptional ability that I had blocked for some reason.
Someone else told me that in a past life, I had been very advanced spiritually, but that I had misused my power. It would make sense with the karmic stuff I've been working with...but now that so many people have been coming around to help heal me, and presenting me with opportunitites to be of help to them...my interest is so strong. I was skeptical of things like crystal healing and Reiki for a long time, even though I did invest quite heavily in the crystals five years ago. Five years ago, the guy I met thought that I should learn Reiki.
Now, my girlfriend says that her aunt would teach me. And the guy I met while meditating the other day, said that there were people at the Reiki Circle Share who would probably agree to giving me Reiki attunements. Reiki and crystals seem to be very interconnected, and it feels like home to me.
I don't think I was meant to follow a traditional work path. My intellect is so much stronger when used intuitively. I can channel it intellectually, and have...I've worked in insurance and in banking. And yet, it just feels like I could do so much more. Reiki feels like home to me. It feels like that is where my energy and my heart belongs. It feels as if whatever else needs healing within me will be healed with Reiki, and that I would be very good at passing the energy along. It feels as if the process would change me so much more than I have already changed....and I think I'm ready. I really want to learn Reiki. As in right now. I hope whoever will teach me deems me to be ready.