rosyxxx's journal

So, last week I landed my first attempt at doing Peacock pose directly from headstand. I nailed it! Then I nailed my ankle a few days later...

Now, I am supposedly down for the count, but in theory, as long as I am putting no strain on my ankle, and it is elevated most of the time, I'm not hurting it. So.... I decided to work on prolonging my headstand practice for meditation, and also doing a backbend with the injured foot in the air as well as standing tree pose with my injured foot in half-lotus. If I weren't adept at the postures, I could injure myself worse. But those poses I can go into without actually putting weight on my injured foot. It's relatively easy. So I am staying active while also healing.

Pretty neat, huh? I feel so creative. Yay!

And I can do a lot of calisthenics and Pilate moves to keep from losing not only the lung capacity I need to keep my formerly asthmatic lungs strong, but also to keep the muscle tone I've worked for...

And meditation as well helps it to heal, I think. I'm getting blood flow to the brain, and to my body parts, without pushing my ankle beyond it's capacities for the tendons and ligaments to stretch and bear weight while they are healing. Pretty ingenious, I think. I am feeling rather pleased with myself.

I had a short dream last night...or really the night before... and in it I was getting two books back from someone. But they were my books. I'd gone to bed wondering where Melody Beattie's "Stop Being Mean to Yourself" was, and then I had this dream.

For some reason, in my dreamworld I had loaned that book and a biography of Marguerite Duras to someone. When I got up, I went out into the living room, where I have all of my books piled up to sort through and give an assload away... looked along the bindings and couldn't find it. Then, I saw Laura Day's book: "Practical Intuition". I got distracted, as I often do, and picked it up. But what was underneath was Beattie's book. Then I looked for the cover of the other book, cause I could see it in my mind's eye, and you know what? It was lying under Laura Day's "Practical Intuition in Love".

I flipped it open and the page fell to Ch. 6. I'd never even really read the book before...anyway, Ch. 6 was titled: Making Space in Your Life for Love. Beneath that was the caption which read: Are You Trapped Holding on to the Past?

And what do you think my bedtime reading will be tonight? What you think about...that's where your energy goes. It's time pull my energy into the future.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Aug 01, 2005.

Maybe you guys remember my post on July 19th about the Stalkers at the 7-11? Maybe not. But whether you do or not, I have a confession to make. I seem to be really stupid around full moons. Don't know why.

I seem to have a penchant for waiting until the last minute to go to the grocery store on full moons. But then, I have always done that. Nothing ever really came of it, all those years trucking into the grocery store at 2:00 AM. Not so on the night of July 19th, not so tonight, either.

You see, I was minding my own business, going into the store to purchase some chocolate for Ganesha, and some roses for the altar, and I took a bit picking out the roses. I couldn't decide between Gerber daisies or roses. Hm. Finally, I took the roses...I wonder why? :-)

So, I paid for my items, and headed outside. The workers near the door were whispering, and I got an eerie chill. Then I walked out into the humid night, and my glasses fogged up. I saw the man delivering the morning papers, and laughingly said: "I can't see!" He chuckled. Then I crossed the lane to my car, and felt something cold go up my spine. I refused to turn around, and turned my alarm off, unlocked the car and dropped my purchases on the seat. Just then I turned, feeling eyes on my back. A young man had gotten out of the car crossed three car lengths closer to me, and asked if I needed any help. I was a little alarmed, because he had gotten out of a car full of about five guys. I said: "No thank you, but I appreciate the gesture." I smiled, walked to the driver's side, and opened the door.

He continued to stand there, frozen in one spot. He turned his head a little, and said: "You just goin' home and crashin'?" I smiled again, by way of response, and closed the door. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I watched him. I grabbed my phone. He got back in the car, and the car drove around and came back to park awkwardly in the space three cars down from me, partially blocking the lane. I backed out and rolled down my window. They pulled up to roll down their passenger side window.

I was already on the phone with a friend, and I paused in the process of talking to him and said to the guys: "Hey, are you going to leave, or do I need to call the cops?" They replied that they would leave, and for me to go fuck myself. I think that would be far superior to having them fuck me.

I keep thinking about the story of Saraswati protecting Brahma as he is busy being born from the lotus flower in the great being's navel. The demons who try to get at him before he is done growing... I'm certainly not Brahma, but I am a being who is trying to grow.

And yes, I know all the rules about not going out alone that late, but I always have, because of the hours I keep for work, and things like this don't happen that often. But maybe, what the man I met at my friend's house earlier said was true. That I don't know how much power I have, and that the more it grows, the brighter it gets. If I were not somewhat grounded, these things could get in. But I am not as grounded as I could be, and I also have a penchant for the darkness myself. I'm drawn to the darkness with light at it's core, and sometimes it is hard to differentiate that from sheer blackness with no light. I'm also drawn to the light, just as they are. Drawn to the full moon, drawn to the laser beam parked over McDonald's next to the grocery store. How odd, that I would have seen that and thought it safe. Being in the outer edges of the light leaves you vulnerable to the dark things lurking there. I want to be in the light. I want it inside me. I don't want the things from the dark invading my aura.

Apparently, I let my guard down last week, and someone already did, and I got a little sick. Ah, I seem to be so empathic that I get caught up in the lies other people tell themselves in addition to my own. But that story is for another post called: Truly Parasitic from the Get-Go.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 24, 2005.

Um. There is this really wierd thing showing up on my screen when I log in on one of my internet providers to the NAO. It comes up with an icon that has a null sign across it. On the other internet providers I use, this does not show up. And prior to today, I don't really remember seeing it. But that could just be because I heard it today, after having turned up the volume so that I could hear Jacqueline de Pre's version of Camille St. Saens "Swan". I was trying to compare her version with that of Yo-Yo Ma, while determining which CD I would like to purchase...

And today, the volume is still up, and I both heard and saw this strange icon. That of course, isn't the only strange turn of events today, but you know... Life has many twists and turns. I lost a co-worker today. It's not something I can talk about. But the strange icon on my computer is... I'm not sure why it intrigues me, but oh well.

It's probably nothing. Unlike some things, which are everything, at least to most of us humans here on earth. Like life. And not dying peacefully in your sleep at a very old age. But alas, this I cannot talk about. Unlike the 'blip' on my screen. I guess someone's life was just a blip too. It's really too bad.

P.S. I feel it worthy of note that yesterday was an absolutely splendid day, with so many wonderful and good things happening at work, and outside of it. If it weren't for yesterday, today would have been devastating. But because of yesterday, the edge was taken off of today. The rest of the pain of today is primarily due to the fact that I am empathetic, and a little afraid. So it's easier to worry about tiny little blips on my screen. I just hope they mean nothing, and that tomorrow is a lovely day like yesterday. That is my wish.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 20, 2005.

I have a little ambivalence over current events in my life... concering topics that I have yet to sort through. There are women at work who appear to be throwbacks from high school (imagine that...); people who can't seem to understand that meeting them in a strip club does not give them automatic trust, on the contrary, it breeds distrust; and people who start out doing things for the right reasons, and end up totally screwing up. I'm probably in that latter group, and just don't know it quite yet. Hm.

And yet, I feel put upon. I feel put on the spot. I feel brought to task. I feel picked on. I feel like someone said, "Put your money where your mouth is, and I hadn't even really opened my mouth." I feel like smacking some heads together. Why are there so many people intent on destroying what makes another person happy, what brings them peace? Why do people start out with good intentions to help you, and then try to fuck you, LITERALLY? How could I refuse to see the incipient problem headed my way like a stinking bomb? Nope. Nope. There are no words. But alas, being inclined to verbosity, I will attempt to create them.

I have half a mind, to post the recent financial (oh soooorry, 'stock' advice [/sarcasm];P) advice that was just given to me, so that 'everyone' can use it. And also to point out the fact that what I was told didn't require me getting two hours of sleep; getting up and showering; spending a friggin' hour on the phone arguing about where to meet; getting put on a guilt trip for putting someone out by not going to their home, which would be stupid if I met them in a club, when they OFFERED said advice of their own accord; sitting in a flea/mosquito infested internet cafe, freaking out and getting lost on the way home, having to go sit in a movie theatre and watch Howl's Moving Castle for the second time just to regroup; nor did it require falling asleep with my hairpins stuck up the back of my neck, and my shirt on sideways because I was so fucking tired trying to meet his daytime agenda. He could have given me the info over the bleeping, motherfucking phone! It was that simple, folks.

And not asked me to go to Chicago with him for a 'Stock seminar', nor to lie to his wife about where he met me. If I just met him, and he wants to offer financial/stock advice that's fine. But I don't need to be in his car on a road trip with him.

Mind you, this isn't the first time someone has obseqiously offered such services and let their good intentions go sour. The very friend who suggested a secure place to meet on this one, also connected me with a broker two years ago, who tried to put the moves on me the minute my friend left. Not to mention that he tried to kiss me with an open herpetic sore on his mouth. Yech! And THAT dude, I didn't meet in a strip club. He was a friend of my friend. So go figure. Schmucks and dirty old men are everywhere. Everywhere. I just attract freaks, I guess.

I just have to keep reminding myself that there are good ones too...the disgusting ones have just been popping up a lot here in the past few days. Like for instance, the dude at work last night who had, I'll admit, rather sexy looking incisors, with natural points on them. But, when he bit my neck, I thought he drew blood. And when I looked in the mirror, I had two dots on my neck like a friggin' vampire bit me! I showed the DJ, and he said: "It's like something out of a B-movie, if you turn into a vampire let me know. I wanna be one too..." I guess that was the comic relief. Ha. :-) But I don't like human parasites.

Not to mention getting ate up by fleas or mosquitoes, or what-the-fuck ever was in that internet cafe, that a friend of mine was so kind to suggest as a safe meeting place... which it was, but that is beside the point. I've got bites all over my arms, face and feet. That is the good news here.

One of my very dear friends said: "Sure. Let him give you the advice on investment. It might be damn good advice. But, rest assured... he probably wants something in return, other than coffee. Dress conservatively, stay in public, and by the way, I'll call my friend who owns an internet cafe and tell him to look for you." I should add here, that it was purely stubborn refusal to believe that he had ANY ulterior motives that led me to ignore how much he was balking at going someplace where my 'friends' would be watching me...

I'd like to eventually give him back the book he loaned, but only if he doesn't behave like a stalker. I'm truly sorry that I ever gave my phone number to him. I don't generally do that. I guess some stereotypes are truisms. Don't trust anyone you meet in a strip club. No matter how nice they seem. Too bad. Really...

And lets not forget, that currently, I have no money to invest! So I am in no hurry to learn this info. I should have realized why HE was in a hurry to give it to me. And when he couldn't get dinner out of me, he proceeded to inform me that I really needed to talk to him and get more of his advice, because I was almost 38 (even though he couldn't tell, and had to ask, since he thought I was 25), and my options were running out. Only if I wanna be a wealthy retiree. What a pessimistic jerk. Kind of reminds me of my ex's best friend who tried to get me to fuck him, and when I wouldn't... he felt it necessary, totally not apropos of the solicitious conversation, to ask me if I knew that my ex wasn't coming back then because he had a new girlfriend? Bastard.

Now, I have to go deal with catty bitches. That's next on my agenda. Boy that compassion thing rankles. I don't want to do it, but I know I must if I want to heal. If you don't speak your truth when you first feel it, it quickly can turn into self-pity, repressed rage manifesting in self-destructive tendencies, and/or depression. I'm opting for righteous anger this time out. So there. So much for being a goody-two-shoes. Look out blonde bitches. Stay out of my way, or make my fucking day. And if you can get that straight, THEN we'll talk about compassion being extended. And goodbye Mr. Financial advisor. Oh wait. I forgot. 'Stock' advisor. Whatever.

But never fear, fellow queers, I'll find a spot for forgiveness soon. I know that my 'stock advisor' was probably directed from some 'higher source' to give me that advice... but he's human, and humans let their baser intincts get the best of them sometimes. Heh. Look at me. A regular pot calling the kettle black. Oh well. We can't all be perfect. Doesn't mean I won't try. But at least I don't carry around a fuzzy pink purse that says: "Princess". My momma thought I was special, and that's enough for me.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 14, 2005.

What I want to know is: Does the average 20-to-30-something in America today (or for that matter, anywhere) think that sex should occur by or before the third date?

You know how in the fifties (either from memory, or from being told) it was sort of de rigeur to kiss by the third date? And how in the sixties people just said: "Love the one your with?" Meaning: Sex is just sharing love, and it's okay to do it whenever you feel like it. In the seventies that seemed to get turned into SCORING again. By the eighties, people were extremely confused, but the pretense of being a 'good girl' was still up. Enough to protect those of us who feel raw from having sex too soon in a relationship. I'm not quite sure what happened in the 90s. I don't think I remember properly. :/

Anyway, my point being, that these days it seems to me as if the common consensus for 20-to-30-somethings is that they are being 'cheated' if sex doesn't occur after not only several weeks, but God forbid, if it doesn't occur somewhere on the first three dates.

I for one, know how easy it is to get emotionally attached to someone on any level. I don't feel like going there with someone I don't know that well. And how can I know someone after three dates, let alone several weeks? I don't care if I WANT to have sex... I know I am not ready.

I guess I am just the classic woman. Love is a prerequisite for sex for me. But somehow, it seems to make people feel that I am trying to manipulate them by not having sex. And I just want to get to know them, learn to trust them, fall deeper in love, BEFORE I make love to them. How can I make love to them if I don't really know them? Isn't that just called fucking? Or unreciprocated 'altruistic tendencies'? And doesn't that make most people feel hollow inside eventually?

When I am having a bad day, getting laid by someone I don't know isn't going to fix it for me. And the fuckbuddy thing doesn't get it for me either.

I mean, you can make love to someone while you have them tied to the bed, and do kinky things. Or you can fuck them while you do those things. The difference is what makes you smile, and what makes you cry later when you are alone.

I don't feel like crying. I feel like smiling.

And I feel it worth adding here that the act of smiling should be spontaneous, and not coerced by motherfuckers you don't know. Excuse my language. *huffs*

And yes, I DID just get told by some asshole that I just need to get laid and it will fix all of my problems. It DOESN'T do that... it just shoves them under the rug. I want sex for the joy of having it with someone I love, not to fix my problems. I call the latter USING someone.

Anyway, just curious about the above-mentioned question. Is it now considered common among young people to have sex as quickly as possible into the relationship? I hope not.