shabnam's journal

Where am I after getting married ..........

# 36417

First of all, let me tell to anyone reading this journal, that this I am not writing just to write a good article... I am not at all a good writer. I guess I have been good only in answering my question paper in exams, but besides that I cannt write anything on life, entertainment, expereince or any other topic....

I am writing today just because I am so much sad out of my life, I dont feel happy and I think that my presence also doesnt make anyone happy in this world except ofcourse my parents.

Today I had to scream for the first time at my daughter because I was trying to correct her of her one bad habit she has acquired because of being pampered.... I guess listening all the time about child psychology and behave properly with my children was too much for me to raise my voice. My inlaws side has everyone with short-short temperament.. that they start hitting themselves or on walls .... Me screaming on my daughter lead to big scene in house ......

I hate all this ... but dont know what to do... my daughter was so quiet after that she asked me, mama what was all this happening ??? I tried to explain to her and she asked me she wanted to eat food, but before I could get anything she slept without eating anything, crying so much. I am feeling so miserable and so sad. I dont want my daughter to behave in this loud way, but what will I be able to do, this is in their genes. BUt seeing such behaviour, even I too am getting these bad habit of hitting myself. Oh god, please help me. I dont know what should I do,, do we need to go and see psychiatrist. Please please.... let me know does anyone think trying to discipline and riase child correct way, teach good manners is too much disciplining. I am feeling so guilty because my daughter cried so much and saw all this.......

But I guess so much sorrow has made me write this after so many year .....

This post was edited by shabnam on Jun 11, 2005.

My Identity

96% | 3

# 9462

I am not sure where do I exist in anyone's life. Has anyone any importance of me in their lives or I am just a wife, a mother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, etc etc..........

I never ever thought so much in my life after being married. I am really not so much conservative kind of a person. I am outgoing person or rather I should call myself as I was an outgoing person few years back, I still love meeting "my friends" talking to them and sharing with them all the things going in my life. But who are my friends? Few weeks back I think we had this discussion on this site that who are your real friends and we all shared some very good views. But are those views not very "defined".

We have some friends here at the place we live, I should rather say that my husband has some friends here who are really very good and friendly. They are always very casual with us and always feel at home whenever visiting us. We too always love all of them having at our place for dinner or lunches. But today suddenly I felt so bad with my this identity of being a "housemaker" and "cook". It hurts me so deeply inside my heart that the person I love so much in my life didn't try to understand me and felt bad. I don;t know if I did anything wrong. It all started when we had couple of friends at our place after dinner to watch the World Cup Cricket. In the middle of the night everyone felt hungry because of waking up late in night. Unlike other days today I din't have the enthusiasm to cook in night, so I just agreed to his friends's request of helping me in kitchen because I was holding my baby in my arms. And all of a sudden my hubby just felt bad because one of our guests who happened to visit at our place for the first time got up and initiated to cook something and I agreed.

Was this so wrong??? If we have some friends then can we not ask them to help out? Does the gender of the person really matters? Is this anyhow "inappropriate" for men to cook or do help out women in kitchen. In what matter am I behind my husband in anything? Am I not literate or upto his expectations. I try to keep him happy doing all the work and cooking all the time inspite of me not feeling well so many times. But does that never count. If I don't go out for work then does it mean then I don't exist in this world fir anything important except cooking and cleaning the house and keeping everything ready for him.

I don't know if I should have written this on hereor not, but cann't help it, feeling tooo much depressed. Why do these foreign countries have so many visa issues for letting anyone work in their country, and making the people like me "depressed"

This post was edited by shabnam on Mar 14, 2003.

What A Loss

92% | 6

# 8496

A long awaited morning of February 1, 2003, has made this day a landmark in the pages of NASA. Hundreds of people waiting at the Kennedy Space Center for the arrival of the space shuttle Columbia and hundreds of people sleeping in their cozy beds were moved by this shocking news. I am still not able to come out of this trauma of the accident caused yesterday.

We too were enjoying the late weekend morning because we watched a hindi movie "Dil ka Rishtaa" on friday night and slept around 3.45 am. But then we woke up when we heard one of friends calling from Cleveland and leaving a voicemail that don't go out. Although I didn't hear him properly but I just got some intution that there is something wrong. Has the War been declared, was my first thought. But then I thought to call him again, and then he mentioned did you hear the news??? Since that moment we were stuck in front of TV. It was a sad news to hear. Whole of the US was at the verge of crying. I could feel the tears of so many people who were giving reports and updates from NASA.

I still remember two weeks and four weeks back when we visited Jodhson Space Center, Houston, TX with one of our friends and my mother-in-law. I told my mother-in-law that the next day after you are leaving for India, Columbia would be launched. And then on 18th we had gone to JSC and had seen the photographs of all the seven astronauts who were in this mission. Even the guide was telling us about the recent launch.

I never had interest in Space Museums but after visiting JSC for like four times and then watching "Apollo 13" so many times, I have cultivated interest in the Space Activities. Columbia was the third disaster in NASA history and the world hopes that this disaster never repeats itself. The first one in 1967 of Apollo 1 (3 astronauts were killed) and second one during the test launch of Challanger in 1986 (7 astronauts were killed) and this third one of Columbia on 1st February (killing 7 astronauts) while entering back into the earth has really showed the rest of the world that joining NASA is a passion and the people love to join this inspite of knowing that their life is at risk.

But we are proud of all of them who gave their lives for their important mission. Our tribute to all of them. May their souls rest in peace.

More about me (final)

86% | 5

# 8389

Time just flies by, I was ready to give the entrance exams for Post Graduation, finally I got admission in MBA at another city and MTA (Master of Tourism Administration) at my hometown. It was now my chance to decide whether I wanted to move out and stay away from parents or stay with them. So I went to see the college where I got admission in MBA but seeing that it was about 15 kms aways from city and where there was nothing except the college, I decided to pursue MTA staying with my parents.

This was the time, I felt that WOW I am headed towards my ambition and the career I wanted to have. We had assignments, presentations, seminaars, tours and lots of extra stuff to do everyday. Eventually I got to do Summer Training at one of the leading travel agenceis of India Mercury Travels. This was my first experience of doing work for a big company and with totally professional people. Getting training in every department of the travel agency was no far less exciting than writing some code in programming. Soon the Masters too was done, and it was the time to get out and find a job. But I was lucky enough to get my first job as Manager at a Hotel and Restaurant chain at my hometown. It was pretty nice job, taking care of every stuff going on and then being the only lady there for the first time again was a utmost experience. Staff was nice and cooperative and everything was going fine, and then my parents got a marriage proposal for me from my mother's colleague. So my marriage was decided after few months. I was pretty excited because I had already met this person and knew him. He was very shy and very intelligent. (Later I foun he is not so shy and no less talkative with his friends ) Finally the big day came and we got married. We both came to Reston, VA and since then we have enjoyed every day of our life sharing everything, fighting with each other and travelling so much. We were blessed with a beautiful daughter last year on 7th April. I enjoy every moment I spend with her, she has started standing and walking with support. I am waiting to see her running within few weeks. (you can see her pitures at Kriti)

I know I stretched this like an elastic but you know this was to prove that I have very bad writing skills.

Oh..... see I still missed out one thing.... not long one. But I did Ph.D. in tourism too and completed it with cooperation of my family members who have been very supportive.

More about me (part 2)

97% | 5

# 8206

I did Schooling from Kendriya Vidyalaya, a very reputed chain of School throughout India for the children of people serving Indian Forces. My mother was also in this School since she started working. So it was really a tough time for me to make an image of my own, instead having "teacher's daughter" identity. So finally this was well achieved by my participation in Recitations, Debates, Paintings Competitions, Dance & Plays, and various Interschool Competition at Regional and National Level.

School time was the nicest time for me, I had so much fun participating in various activities and the best thing was that because of participation in various extra-co-curricular activities I could see so many places in India. I was able to go to Agra (the world knows it for the magnificent Taj Mahal), Mathura-Vrindavan, Lucknow, Dehradun, Mussorie, Bombay, Kota, Jaipur, Bhubaneswar, Rourkela, Puri (I am going to add the links to these sites later on). This was the time I knew that my fascination was travelling different places and knowing about various destinations and culture.

But I couldn't follow the steps I should have followed to make my dream true. After getting exellent marks in Chemistry, I was insisted by some of our family friends to do Bachelors in Science with Physics, Mathematics and Chemistry as my subjects. And poor me, I had no one to guide me, so I didn't oppose anyone and joined it, inspite of getting admission in Computer Science. This was probably the biggest mistake I made in my life which changed my future. But anyways I just regret the subject I chose for graduation, but I had so much fun in the College too. It was a private college affiliated to University. And I was the only girl in my Class with twenty other boys, so couldn't have any best friend in college that time. ( Some of you might find it a bit illogical, but in India you are not expected to have a Boy as your Best friend if you are a girl or vice cersa; and their are so many places in India where there is no co-education allowed till post-graduation level).

So I had hard time, but the boys were very decent and shy in my class so I had no problem, but soon I created my own space in my college. I became the most active student in college too, just like in School and every one started liking me a lot. This was the time when I got introduced to few people who were doing theatre too. So I started participating in theatre after my classes were over, this was a great place to learn and attain fame. A step towards my further success and fame. And this was this lucky college from where I particiated in a contest and was awarded Miss Jodhpur. A great recognition for me and my college. I really appreciate my family and friends who always enocuraged me for this competition in which I decided to participate at last moment.

More about me (part 1)

81% | 4

# 8083

Finally I got time to write more about myself........

So, after staying at Udhampur, my parents got transferred to different places. My mother (teacher) got transferred to an army base Jalipa Cantt about 14 kms from a small town Barmer. And my Dad got transferred to Jodhpur, our native place. But both the places were just a night journey apart. So we used to meet him almost every weekend. After staying in the surroundings of mountains, snow, tall trees and clouds we were now at a place which was totally opposite in every aspect from previous place. This place is in the Desert Circuit of India now. It has high temperatures of 48 Degree Celsius during summers but has cold winters (but no snowfall). But here I saw the beauty of nature in the sand, the high sand dumes carried away from one place to another in a night, were no more less breathtaking than the snow I saw in the upper north of India. Every step while walking in snow was as fun as was running in the sand. Just the difference was of the colour and probably the temperatures. The dust storm here was no more less beautiful than the snow storm seen in Udhampur. It used to be as dark as night if the dust storm came during day. The tall trees were replaced by the cactus in the desert. But soon after two years my Mother got transferred from Jalipa to Jodhpur, and by the time my father took a voluntary retirement from the Indian Air Force.

So now it was like a big happiness, that finally we came to our native place, but everyone in family had different reactions. As the belief we all have in our hearts that after every bad time good time too would come. We too hoped that probably the future will bring something good to us. Soon we got settled and we built our own home. This was a hardtime for my parents becoz going to work and then taking care of the construction workers wasn't really all that easy. Still we were all happy to have our own home and no more packing and unpacking to do. :-)

Looks like my daughter wants me to take a break, and continue later........

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