shakylegs's journal

Boyfriend Mostly

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# 39128

Today was pretty boring I woke up in my boyfriends bed after quite a fun night out last night! he had to be at work at 6 and we cuddled for ages so he got there at 7:30 but he told me it was worth.

Then I went home at about 10:00 and its really really sad but I have mostly been sat infront of this computer the whole time.
Chatting with a friend of mine about everything and nothing! I'm supposed to be doing lots of cleaning at home but kind find myself motivated to even get up unless its for food or drinks!

Because boyfriend had to leave so early he didnt come out clubbing with me last night but gave me his house key..I love that he didnt mind, he even said to me "Look I'm not going out tonight but I know you wanted to so I'll go to bed and at 2am I'll come pick you up and then we can go to bed ok?" There was no way of course I would let him do that it would have been so selfish of me. However I wanted to go out as I planned earlier on that day to meet up with friends so I managed to get a lift of a friend back to his house! He was happy with this!

But this morning I woke up feeling really depressed again. He knew something wasn't right he kept asking me. I told him I was tired. I couldnt believed I used the excuse that people use for so many different situations, mostly just for the sake of saying something..."How are you?" - "Fine I'm really tired though" YAWN!!!!!

I text him at work explaining that I was sorry and I have just been feeling a bit low ...I included, 'It's not you at all in fact your the only great thing in my life at the moment!'

Tomorrow he is taking me out for dinner tomorrow night as we have been seeing each other for 2 months now....feels like years! I love him so much...I thought I have been in love before but now I can see it was just infactuation! My mum tells me how she dated a number of guys and had been engaged before she met my father but when they met she knew she would spend the rest of her life with him..now I can relate to it! I know he loves me he tells me almost everyday! We have only recently started admitting it to each other but I think we knew it of each other before that. I know how much he cares about me but I do wonder what he see's in our future whether he see's us as I do..getting married starting a familly..and spending the rest of our lifes together!

It sounds perfect its really not! My Mum doesnt realise that I stay at my boyfriends house when she has said that although I can as its my choice she doesnt want me to..so to keep her happy I lie to her. This is risky and I know that if she finds out or if tell her I'm going to stay at his then she will take away the car that is mine but she owns it.
It shouldnt be too long for it not to be a problem! Shame I have to lie, to do what I want at 18 isnt it mum!

Tonight he is going to band practice so I'm staying in! I need to stay in I want to go out but I know that mum wants me in and also I have seen him everyday this week so the occasional break is healty!

Planning something

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# 39118

I'm planning something big.....

This post was edited by shakylegs on Sep 29, 2005.

Its been a while world!

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# 39101

Where the fuck to start! So much has been happening since I last even logged onto this website. I have changed so much and although I like who I am now because I feel so much more myself, I donít rely on other peoples likes and dislikes so much as I did when I was as school or college. However, things are bad. I think about how my life has turned out, yesterday I was looking at pictures of me when I was about 7, a cute school girl, so innocent and not really a care in the world. I know I havenít been through as much as many people have but for me I have. I wish I was that girl again so much.
I have dropped out of college again! I have never had a job. I go out every night. I drink and smoke too much. I have a sexual relationship with the love of my life, unknown to my parents. I find myself hating members of my family. I miss my twin who is in Peru. I cant get a job as I have no qualifications. I have lost a lot of friends. I hurt myself, and Iím only ever happy when Iím with my boyfriendÖ..were in love. But even then I have issues that make it very difficult even though I love him.

I donít really expect anyone to read this and give a shit if anything its for me so that in a while I can hopefully look back and say either, well at least I knew itÖor say wow thank god someone helped me and I got out of this black dog. I want to get some help. But sometimes I just want to keep it to myself. But mostly I just want to sit down with a stranger and cry and tell them everything. Even tell them that I wish I wasnít at home so that I didnít have to face my parents. It would kill them if they ever knew this!

My boyfriend knows how much I want a job and he knows that I cant stand being at home sometimes. But he doesnít know that when Iím alone and at the height of hating my life that I cry and scream and lash out at myself! Iím being selfish, well I know tats what my mum would say. She would make me feel bad like say that its her fault. She is also very depressed but she doesnít realise that when she unloads all her problems on me, her only daughter that its killing me inside. I donít want her to be unhappy and its only ever since I have grown up that she does it. So really it just makes me want to be that little girl again. When I was little I donít remember my mum crying to me and shouting and saying bad things about everything in her life.

The reason Iím unloading all of this is because, I have tried all morning to get some online but there are no one to one chat based websites for this. Well not free ones anyway. Its crazy. It would be such a great way for people like me to unload.

I feel better writing I think I will start writing here more often now. I used to log on everyday and read other peoples lives but I stopped I really believe it helped slightly!

Also I donít believe in God and my mum has brought me up pushing it on me. She is very religious and she still expects me to go to church but I havenít got the heart to tell her I donít. I know that was random so I might continue this post into another forum post!

Stay above the crowd!
Shaky legs
xxx

I deleted joey

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# 30114

I deleted joey, about two months ago, it was hard as although I Have done it before this time I did it with all contacts of him knowing it would be almost impossible to try and contact him ever again. I did it because I was getting obsessive and if i didn't do it soon well... I don't know but I was annoying him and almost going crazy thinking about him, waiting for him.

Today I transfered all my sim numbers from my old phone to my new phone and his number came up, shock, horror. I kept thinking of the last thing he said to me over msn "stay as wonderful as you are". Should I text him for his email. No then I would have to tell him why I deleted him and he doesn't care he hasn't even tried to egt hold of me wondering where i'am.. that was the hardest part of deleting him knowing that he wouldn't contact me even though it would be strange that we suddenly stop talking every night because I'm not online.

I haven't text or deleted his number. But I have though about him and how he thinks I'm a twat and how I love him. There is a guy at college they are so alike that when I see him my heart stops.

I will delete the number, it's best. He did promise me we would be together again, I just have to wait, even if when we do see each other again and it's shit at least I know that and can stop this whole pain thing.

For the moment I'm going to carry on having fun, think about him everynow and then and then have more fun.. probably best off with out him.

JOEY, FEBUARY, 2004

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# 28042

Normally I canít be this open and give names I know I used to be able to before things happened and I wasn't as aware as how sometimes certain people just shouldnít know how you feel. And sometimes they should know straight away.

I havenít written that many posts and so I donít know if I have ever mentioned Joey. To you he is just another small black word that although may stir some emotion, is meaningless but to me he is all that has made sense, because even the things that make sense at first never are. Sometimes I want to cry because the length of time I was with him is nothing compared to how long I have spent with other people but I have never been able to understand those people like I do Joey, and not just understand him but completely and utterly love him.

I love so much how we met it hurt a lot Iím glad I couldnít ski, but damn it was worth it! I was skiing with a party of 36 people and I was really the beginner of the whole group. The people were so supportive and took their time with me, especially my rep carol, she took care of me. On the third day out there I had really got the hang of things and so I told carol to go off and met some of her Austrian friends while I joined my friends, but as you have predicted I fell, I fell and I fell. Not just a little bit but so bad I couldnít move at the top an Austrian alp, a ski buggy thing had to take me down.

I was in a different country donít know word of Austrian let alone German and I was so scared that I would have had to have gone home. I was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital which was about an hour away and two hours from my hotel. On the way carol (my rep) stayed with me and she comforted me, until she told me when we get to the hospital she could only stay a while. So she called her friend another rep to join us and she told me that they (her friend) would drive me back to the hotel. So a stranger, great, really not impressed, but more so in pain.

I was lying in a curtained hospital cubical and unable to move properly, 5 German doctors, all speaking German very fast took my ski trousers off and of all the days to be wearing the skimpiest little panties. I say no more it wasnít fun, tears rolling down my face from pain and embarrassment just as I thought it couldnít get any worse, carol pulled back the curtain with JOEY standing there (bless him he tried not to look). Anyway finally I got covered up and Joey came over to me and said something like ďdude, what happenedĒ, I smiled. Arghhhhhhhhh he was so gorgeous also in his ski outfit, his Austrian accent topped it off, he was, well I was In love, he smiled back at me and I know its so corny but I looked at him so hard that we both got lost in the moment, I knew he liked me too, it was awkward but I had honestly forgotten about my leg.

Joey carried me on one side while we left the hospital together and alone, I was limping but the support helped a lot, never knew what really happened didnít break my leg, but was badly, badly twisted or something. So on the way back a two hour journey we spoke about everything and nothing, we flirted like I have never flirted before and every now and then he glanced at me as though he wanted to pull the car over and just well I say no more.

When we neared the hotel he said he was glad he met me and sorry that I couldnít ski for the rest of the trip, and I said ditto and wanted to say Iím glad I fell otherwise I wouldnít have met you, I didnít as to be honest it would have ruined the moment. When we pulled up by the hotel he helped me up the stairs and at the door we gave an awkward hug and said our goodbyes, he walked down the steps love of life just a few steps away. WAIT, donít worry it doesnít end there, he turned and walked back up and said, ďyou are with carolís group yeahĒ, I was and the reason he asked me was that there was a planned leaving party for his group and carols group at a club nearby. He wanted to tell me how he would look forward to seeing me again and then he walked away got into his car and left, I walked through the main lobby found a small corner and if I didnít have a bad leg I would have been all over the place screaming, it was perfect.

The next few days were so long I had to stay on the coach as I couldnít ski and I also couldnít stop thinking about him and Thursday night. When I saw him that night across the dance floor my first thought was, how long have we got? I remember looking at my watch we had to leave at 12pm and it was 10pm, two hours would we even get talking by then, we did straight away and it gets better due to my bad leg I couldnít dance so he stayed with me the whole time, we flirted some more, he told me I couldnít stop thinking about me and how he couldnít believe we had just a few hours left. When we were told we had to get ready to leave he grabbed me and kissed me, and oh my god. I was complete just then!

We exchanged numbers and we spoke nearly everyday online and well it was then when I realised I have t o see him again. Its planned for next year he is coming over now when we talk it seems weird as we now know we are going to see each other and well Iím afraid it will ruin it. Or maybe it will give us a chance to fulfil everything we spoke about before hand. I miss you Joey this post was for you!
I have another secret but I didnít want to ruin this story but I will tell another time

19Th oct 04

# 27952

I just got off a web cam converstion with someone i fell in love with, knew him for about 4 hours, then we spoke everyday on msn. He is coming to see me. But i dont want to see him, not now that i'm going to. It will ruin what we have had
he said he wants to marry me and i have always wanted to be with him but its been too long and we are different now then we were then. Should i tell him not to come and if so how can i do that and i know if i did i would always regret it.

Its hard for me i'm scared of getting close to guys but maybe
thats why its good he wants to come i can get over that fear.

I'm so fed up with people telling me to stop looking for the one. I'm not. I just want to believe its possible he is out there, so out there that when we find each other he will out ride any fear i hold. But i'm not searching i'm waiting, but because of past i cant have fun before that.

Everyone here always has an answer to help or a reason or comment, it always seems they know you or your problem or believe but sometimes i think they are so wrong, maybe not maybe its me. I know i'm not always right no one is but sometimes it does or doesnt help to get someones opinion sometimes it makes it worse.
Who knows what will happen right?


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