simon18's journal

And I miss it so much, knowing who I am, what I love. I feel like ive let so many people down. I feel ive disappointed her, im not the man she though I was. Was I ever worthy of that love. Or am I one big lie that spreads and corrupts. Maybe she couldn’t be corrupted, so shes breaking free.

Why is it always the same. Why doesn’t nobody else go through this. Such agonising pain I cant bring myself to open my eye, so many tears and I don’t know why, I haven’t heard of this kind of pain. So much more than physical, everything is so pointless. Love becomes meaningless when yuove lost that one you thought was it and you always believe. So everytime you feel like more of a fool, always beleivoing in love strangely for what its done to you, like being addicted to something that so clearly destroys you every time you take it.

Love is something cruel and vicious that attacks me, to destroy me from within. And as I roll on the floor tears streaming down my face, unable to contain the pain. I know no release. For I don’t believe anyone else feels this pain.

How to tell her, to make her see, I wish somehow she knew.

This is me, as I struggle to look up away from whats consuming my private time, the mourning again. And why is it so severe. So unbelievably severe. Is this the worst ive had I wonder. No, there was a past… that was worst, but I know this is the first wave, Im scared of whats coming. Im scared of what it might do to me. What happens to a person that gets pushed too far.

I just need to believe that people have been here before me. I must try and believe that. But I don’t. How could they have. Not this much pain.

Its crazy. The great and the mighty, can all be felled by a broken heart. Theres no arguing with it, just the true acceptance its over and the absolute knowledge that you cant deal with that. I know im in over my head.. Its too much this time.

Well, for the past 2 months ive been ‘seeing’ my ex-girlfriend. This basically consists of going round my house for sex, perhaps telling one another we love them and kinda acting likely a couple at times, but not being.

This has been fine with me, with a lot of other things going on in my life I didn’t want to have to deal with where it was going, and the casualness of it felt good and most of all easy. We didn’t argue or anything anymore, just had good times. No commitment and no responsibility, most would say it’s a mans dream.

But often she would bring up how she really felt about it, how she thought what she was doing was wrong but couldn’t stay away. I would always shrug this off, saying that there’s no rush to decide what we want for the future. Basically trying to avoid the subject.

Then last night we met up for a drink down one of our favourite bars. Its all okay then she suddenly starts talking about us. She tells me shes always thought we’d get back together, but that now she doesn’t think that. She tells me next year she would be staying up at her university all the time so she could concentrate on her work. But there was more to it. She says she feels shes missed a part of the university life coming home to see me so often ad in her last year she wanted the full experience.

I figured this was fair enough, I generally agreed that theres no point us going out if shes living away as it would strain the relationship too much. She said we could still see each other from time to time, but I think that’s just one of those things you say, to comfort yourself and ease an inevitable goodbye.

I do feel okay with it I think, but I can never really know how I feel until more time has passed. I wonder if, subconsciously, I too felt we’d always get back together. Since we broke up ive not really been with anyone else, she still gets jealous if I talk about other girls and always asked me if ive been seeing anyone, so it has been in some ways like were still together. In this sense, part of me thinks I should take this like a break up, or rather, an advanced notice of one.

So whats my plan? Enjoy the summer I guess. Im in no hurry to meet someone new, though as always ill be on the look out. Guess im just a little confused right now as to how I feel about this.

Guess ill do what I normally do. Sod all.

Honey, im home

Hello NAOer's, it has been around 2 years since last i darkened your door. Last time you helped me when i was down, you picked me up, put your arm around my shoulder and told me you understand.

I return once again at a difficult time for myself, but also to help others who are in the position i was in 2 years ago, lost and confused.

Well what to tell you about the last two years. I got into a serious relationship, moved out of home, lost many and gained a few friends. So i guess i should tell everyone a little of what has occured.

Well, i met michelle in september of 2003, what must have been at most a month after i left NAO. It was the usual friend of a friend, we met on a night out, though nothing happened that night, fate as usual controlled my destiny. I met her by chance a month later in a nightclub. It turned out this was her night out before she went off to university the next day.

This wasnt to stop the fate of love, i went to visit her the next week end and it was really great. We were going outfor 1.5 years after that, with many ups and downs.

Well we broke up about 2 months ago but were still seeing each other. Its kinda weird we basically just sleep together and sometimes tell one another we love them. I dont get it at all i just feel like im following my feelings.

Then with work no going well because ive had a lot of time off sick lately with depression (not sure if i am depressed, i just feel totally unmotivated to do anything) and the same goes with my part time college, im just not motivated at all anymore. The that means theres more work for me to do and more pressure and its all getting so much im going to EXPLODE!

I have so much to do, but i dont think im strong enough to do it anymore.

Ive always found that im happiest when im trying to achieve something. It has to be difficult and difficult things always take a lot of work to achieve but i always find its worth it in the end for that feeling of accomplishment. I look around myself and i notice that many people get this feeling through achievement at work or in studying but achievements at college have never given me that kind of a kick. So in an effort to achieve something two years ago i started work on my own body, getting in to shape.

Id always been on the larger side of cuddly, it had never bothered me. It still didnt when i started on my routine. It wasnt the body shape i wanted, it was the sense of achievement.

Well im still going. Swimming, running, going to the gym, most nights of the week im doing something. Starting this was one of the best ideas ive ever had. Every time i made progress (and theres nearly 3 stone of it) i felt a huge sense of achievement. Im not the finished article, i hope i never am im not sure what id do if there was no more progress to be made. I might have to start trying at work ;)

The thing with relationships and love is that its so unpredictable. You can treat a girl really well but it doesnt mean she wont dump you when some better looking bloke comes along. You can put effort in and get nothing out. Thats why i balance it with exercise. If you fun 5 miles every other night you will lose weight and get fitter. Its so much more predictable. I know that if i work hard at it i will get my reward. So when certain young ladies are driving me mad im sure at times its kept me sane to be able to try at something and get something back in return.

So between me and you, i'll stop working out when i understand women. Better not end my gym membership just yet then...

So who missed me? Come on, dont be shy? Oh, ok then i guess you didnt.

But seriously guys ive missed you. We've got so much to catch up on! i know its only been 2 weeks but so much has happened. First i went to brighton to stay with my mum and her boyfriend for a week. It was so hot! I spent 1 day on the beach and got burnt to a cinder. No seriously, i glowed red. i didnt do that much exciting there anyway so that move straight on to newquay. Just the name of the place makes me quiver with delight.

So i get ther, meet my mates and theres no messing about. bought 48 cans of fosters, some disposable BBQ's, sausages, bacon, bread and we were ready to go down the beach. so every day consisted purely of drinking all day and going out at night. Needless to say i got repeatedly annihilated. I mean on the tuesday, i had to be literally carried home, HAHA. I just was walking aroung the beach chatting to everyone, they were all so friendly, or maybe its just beacuse i was drunk. Hmmm...

You would have to experience it for yourself guys. So i expect to see you all in newquay next year. In fact lets go next week. Sod it we'll go tomorrow.

Anyway a holidays all good but there comes a time when its just good to come home and carry on with life. So thats it im back and i aint going nowhere. My ongoing affair with NAO continues. *Sigh*

Yes, its that time of year. Holiday time.

Im going to brighton to stay with my mum for a week, and then for the second week im off to newquay in cornwall, the capital of partying. There i will be meeting up with 5 of the lads and possibly share a beer. Or two. Actually lots. Ive got my hair done, new clothes, 700 quid and an urge to party. I leave tomorrow on the train. So no NAO dor two weeks. I will have plenty of stories to tell when i get back im sure. Thats if i can remember any of it!

So dont cry for me NAO, the truth is im not leaving you, i will be back. A big shout out to all my friends here, you know who you are and we will have an extensive chat about recent events when i return.

Naturally not everything can go right at once though. My ex (whom i believe i have written about in some detail on NAO, but hey i cant help whats on my mind!) rang me yesterday. Seems shes back from holiday and felt it necessary to tell me about some south african lad she met on holiday. I really wanted to hear about that! But still it was nice to hear from her. I feel in control. I think.

Well i get to forget about her and all my other troubles for two whole weeks. Im even going to a house party tonight to et me warmed up for said holiday.

I think the best thing about this holiday is being able to say in all honesty that ive earned it. Ive only had 1 days leave so far this year and ive been saving up for two years. Ive passed college so the feeling that all my work is done and the pressure is off is just wonderful.

WAHOOOOO!!