zane's journal

This is something that I posted three years ago. Then it seems I had a much more lucid look on life. Now I struggle every day with the changes that have come about. I corrected the spelling mistakes and grammar before posting.

It is funny for me to read this from the past. Looking back I was a deep person, still am, but never realized I wrote it. It seems that I was right then. I am forgetting what it all means as that I am alone for the first time in my life.

"It is when we fall, and are broken, when the world gives up on us, and no one cares. But we are not alone still. That is when learn how to live. We learn what gets us through mentally, and face our inner most struggles. It’s these challenges that define us, and make us 'thick skinned' for the next challenge.

But it is on the days that we are alone. When no one is there to challenge us and no one is there to bring us from this solemn grave that we forget. This is when we forget what we learned, the hows and whys. We forget what makes us, us. It is when we are lonely, that we are undefined to ourselves. Let no one die undefined, without first learning to live, and knowing what to live for."

Anyways, if anyone has anything inspirational to say to cheer my day up, I could use it. I have been struggling for too long now. I just want to be happy again.

It started on this very same site. I for the first time viewed my profile page, and relize that I was missing a section of comments about myself. Deciding that I wanted to actualy discribe myself. (A rarity that I am ever this open) I came up with this. I was just curious if anyone else wanted to 'define themselfs'.

"I am a complex person, haunted by a past that I refuse to
forget, and driven by goals that wont be denied. I live in
the future of my mind, constantly reminding myself that
tommorow is not yet today. Grounded by the morals and
ethics which I have taken up myself. Forsaken by those
that don't understand. I am trusted by the honest,
disliked by the corrupt, and irate. I am never right nor
wrong. I am not exceptional, nor ignorant. I am not acting
alone, but am one singular person. I am not for everyone,
but for all. I am Grey. I am me. What defines you?"

No Flames Please. I really didn't think that much into it. Also my spelling sucks.

This post was edited by zane on Jun 13, 2004.

It is when we fall, and are broken. When the world gives up on us, and no one cares. But we are not alone still. That is when learn how to live. We learn what gets us through mentaly, and faces our inner most struggles. Its these challenges that define us, and make us 'thick skinned' for the next challenge.
But it is on the days when we are unbreakable, whole, and flying high above reality, that we learn why we live. We learn what makes it worthwhile for us to struggle through those challenges. What makes it worthwhile to stuggle through the pain of time.
But it is on the days that we are alone. When no one is their to challenge us, and no one is their to bring us from this solom grave that we forget. This is when we forget what we learned. The hows and whys. We forget what makes us, us. It is when we are longley, that we are undefined to ourselfs. Let no one die undefined, without first learning to live, and knowing what to live for.

This is my voice, and nothing more. No flames please.

This post was edited by zane on Jun 06, 2004.

Privacy to me is very important. I keep my outside world, and my inside very seperate. Very few people are privlaged to the "real" me. Most people see a version of me that is outgoing. When in reality I am a very shy, and quite person.

But over the course of the last few weeks, 1 things happened.

My girlfriend sent me a leter. Enclosed was a check for her half of the cell phone bill. It was in a security envelope, with a note wrapped around it. The note was maybe one line, and of not of much importance. (Hello Honney, I love you. Girlfriends Name).

The letter was mailed from my girlfriend on a thursday. Not the next thursday, but the tuesday after that, (a week and a half) I still havent goten the mail.

Now the post office takes tops a day or two to deliver mail from a hour away. Sometimes same day if its direct.

So that means my university was the hold up.

Now our mail boxes are sealed from the front and only opened with our room keys. The read has a metal sheet, that Is not locked, and can be access by anyone in the office.

So later tonight, after 10 PM the CA (Community Assistant)knocks on my door. She holds the check up. JUST THE CHECK.

So my problem isnt that she found the check. No thats not a big deal. My problem is the fact that she only had the check. Where was the envelope, the paper wrapped around the check!?

More to the question. HOW THE FUCK DID SOMEONE GET MY DAMN MAIL!

EVEN MORE IMPORTANT. WHO THE FUCK OPENED IT.

I am not a angree person. Unless you mess with someone else I care about. In this case my girlfriend was going crazy because she knows how much I needed the check. So I am pissed cause of all this strife caused due to this reasons. What more the only way this check was found, was after I mentioned something to the CA. Then she poped up with it out of the blue. Hmm the one of only two people that had access to it (the office). What more she mentioned she she didn't do the mail on saturday. Well what the fuck does that mater, unless it came in on saturday, and she had it sience then.

I am not the brightest man in the world. But i am no simple person. (Check the quote below).

I dislike disrespect. I dislike envasion of privacy. Most importantly, I dislike it when it effects others.

I am in desperte need of money...

So in a effort to get money as fast as possible, I have placed a large number of items on Half.com....

My Half.com Shop

Amoung the items are my collection of computer books, my personal DVD collection, and a perfectly fine working PS2.

I really dislike selling the PS2, but in a effort to get money, I just droped the price to $75.00 half of whats in the store. Also its got a memory card, and extra controller with it.

See I need money for car insurence and have less than a month to get the money for that and my cell phone bill. Employment seems to be lacking around my college. I have been offered several jobs, than due to summer cut backs they have been refused...

If anyone would be kind enough to help, I would appricate it. Its for a good cause =).

I am what you call a cursed man.

My whole life has been a string of events that while not horibile in the sense of death, disease, and other massive things. They are enough to have people tell me they wont want my life...

Let me give you a few details...

But before I do that I must explain a little about the current timeframe todate. I am a college student, and have attended this college for over a year now. Now this curse is all in the past, but you can see how the best deceptions can be troubling.

Two years ago a doctor tells me I have a rare skin fungus that is spread by my sweat. While it is not contagious, under normal circumstances, it is contagious when sweating. AT the same time I was found to develope a allergy to dust, dust mites, cats, dogs and final dignoused with asthma.

Now here is how that is all compiled together to form just one of my many curses. When disnosed, the option for me to move back home was out because of my parents that have multiple animals. So I was forced to get a appartment after Highschool, which is the time my grandfather kicked me and my sister out. Because of her lack of allergies she moved back home...

(Don't get me wrong I could have done shots, and stuff but at the time I wanted the experience)

Now upon breaking up with my Ex-Fieance right before I found all this out, I have not dated for almost 3 years. Mainly because of the skin deseise I can't get physically close to someone...

Since then I now find that my doctor was wrong and missdignosed me...

Well because of the ashma and the skin desise and me trying not to spread it, I havent worked out in a while, and have avoided physically demanding tasks. While I am not fat, I am definatly out of shape. Now i know this is a minor curse, but image having to live inside of a bubble for 2 years because of a doctor.

BTW I am dating again and have a girlfriend that I love.
(She is a exersice science major, things work out weird huh)