zen's journal

X-tra Mart, Waterford
4:40 pm -- She's behind the register. Two in line before my turn. She's got tears in her eyes. He's waiting, but not in line, aside. Recognize him but don't tell him, just look. Think its the same for him. Wen to school with him about 20 years ago. Nearly broken, she mumbles something about not having the 500 yet.

All the pumps are full of people with their cars. No one is patient the day before Thanksgiving. They need gas, I fuel, he his cash. I wrongly thought she was being robbed, although she did tell me that at that point she though someone stole gas. All need something from her, and she can't provide. Telling the manager she's about to quit, she may not even be able to provide for her little daughter. Her first Thanksgiving, and it'll have to be with the father. The cashier is working tommorrow...if she doesn't quit first.

I ask, "How much for a canister of propane?" Thus do I seal my fate. I'll have to wait. This isn't great. It's something I hate. I will now be late. (But at least I don't have to peel apples.)

He had a lottery ticket worth $500.00. Didn't say before he brought it up to her. Just let her ring it up. Then she told him that she couldn't cash the ticket. Then he starts yelling. Then starts the tears. A talk on the phone with the manager. He's still upset, but no longer yelling at her. But she seriously thinking of quitting, 98 tears later

That's where I got in line.

One phone line
Yes, there's only one phone line in the house, with 3 computers. One of which, Rich's (my schweetie), isn't active. The other is my mom's. How do we devide the time evenly and fairly? We don't!

Buying mom's house.
Rich and I decided that buying my mom's house was a good idea for all involved. It still is a good idea. Rich has a house in his name. I have a definite place to stay for the rest of the time I'm in CT (which is ??long); and my mom sells her house without having to do all the major work it needs first. But in the process, she's staying here untill Rich gets approved for a mortgage.

I'm not certain how, exactly, I feel about buying (in part or otherwise) the house I grew-up in. It wasn't exactly "the best of times," more closer to "the worst of times." Sure, everything's changed, but not really. >Metaphore coming here--> Gravity still makes things go "bump" when they fall off a table, and there's no changing that. I'll put it this way, now that she's been officially diagnosed with diabetes, she's managed to even out her blood sugar, which has effected her moods, etc. So her moods aren't so severe. But she acts a certain way that puts people off. I guess I do too, and I know where that comes from. [No, I'm not blaming anyone, only making a point.] The point is that it makes it difficult to conceive of me living another 10, or 15, or 20 years in this same house.

True, when Rich gets the mortgage (2 yrs. max) she'll be living some place else. Untill then, this definitely doesn't feel like OUR house. And additionally, I really don't want to stay in this fucked-up, small minded town for the next 2, let alone 10, years.

Job hunting:
Do I really feel like working retail again? Pay is lousy, people are OK at best; customers that is. Co-worikers alright. Hours can suck. But worst of all, the pay sucks and its in the mall. Thought when I left I was gone for good. Now 15 years later, I feel like I'm begging for a job again. I hate this shit. AT 35 I should have a better lock on my life and occupation. But here I am, the same place as when I just got outta high school.

I guess I should be glad to have a job, assuming I get hired. But the point is that it really just reminds me that I need to work on starting my own thing. I'm looking to be a comp. tech, and I have an idea for helping my neighbors learn computer stuff. Most of them are older, so there probably should be enough business.

<Quit complaining. You're smart, talented, and know shit.
I'm not complaining. I'm lamenting>

Music:
Listening to Velvet Underground, "Heroin." One of their best songs ever. I like if better than "Waiting For the Man." It starts out slow, and melodic, athen gets jungle and primal rapidly. It's just like a shot of scag--not that I know personall, it's what I've heard. "Herrrr-oooo-in will be the death of me." Right Lou. And now you're on Russell Simmons talking clean about the whores and pimps on 42nd street selling flesh to drive the engines of a sick, decaying city. Once a junkie always a junkie. And so it goes. And so it goes.

This summer the Bank Street Lobster House did a performance of Rocky Horror PS that was pretty dam wild. I was the cameraman for the last show. Now we have 15 hours worth of tape that we have to go through and edit. Right now I'm watching the original (the movie by itself) to try to figure out what some lines are...and VU is on the stereo in the background. A strange combination, but still somehow works. The point of editing these tapes is to get our OWN performance, with little to none of the movie of itself. In between the dragging parts, Billy (owner of BSLH) is going to narrate and talk about some of the interesting things that happened this summer.

Before the last show, we had a caberet, The last act particularly, was over-the-top. Billy and Chilly (the guy who plays Riff Raff) took the song "Spoonfull of Sugar" and reconfigured it on the theme of just say "yes" to drugs. They came out with a bottle of wine,a huge bag of flour and a gigantic pipe they used as a straw. And the part where it says "the birds go buflitting to and fro" has them criss-crossing the stage with arms outstretched, and fingers flitting like little birdy's wings. It's fucking insane.

Well, those who've been 12-stepped get the punchline. The rest can just zap my geekiness quotient through the roof. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to post something. This site looks cool, and best of all....I seems to be free!

When I go back home, I'm gonna tell all my friends how cool you guys are, and how kindly you treated me. I always depend on the kindness of strangers, after all.

I guess I have to wonder how many 30-somethings are here. Give me a holla, right~~