zen's journal

"This is a group for bisexuals whose lifestyles don't fit society's mold of what bisexuality is." -- 1BIAnyOtherName

I love cruising through Yahoo groups. Some interesting philosophies (i.e.: groups) surface. Some of these niche trains of thought give me a chance to explore parts of my psyche that I can't in person, for whatever reason. Lately, I've been exploring my bisexuality. One group I've recently joined is: 1BIAnyOtherName.

Joining a group is like anything else in life. It's important to read the fine print. The description gives a good idea of what to expect from the group. Don't do what I did: look at the name and make an assumption based on that alone. I of course started by reading the posts. The first five or so I read were signed "Love, Your Friend, In Christ," or similar. Oops! Looks like I'm not in Kansas anymore. It was then I decided to read the description. It would have been important, before joining, to read these little words: "our sexuality does not determine our salvation." Obviously, there will be a Christian bent to the discussion. It was easy to over look that statement. Little else was given to warn one that this is a "religious"-based group.

It's somewhat intersting to look at Christians from the lense of bisexuality. To me, this is a contradiction. Apparently, this is a difficult concept for others to wrap their heads around as well; hence the need for such a group. Regardless of religious differences, it occurs to me that there isn't that big of a separation between them and me. The bottom line is that as people, we feel the same way when we identify ourself as "bisexual." Simply put, as bisexual, it means to me that I'm sexually attracted to both genders.

I've been thinking alot recently about what it is to be bisexual. In my discussions with friends and acquaintences, I have a difficult time explaining what that really means. I have to start with the notion that we live in a polarized world, where one is usually attracted to one gender. One is expected to be attracted to one gender. I find it easier for others to accept that I'm "gay" rather than bi~. Put another way, they choose to find it easier to accept people being gay, than bi~. The concept of being physically attracted to both is alien to the mind in a polarized world.

Being bi~ does not mean that I'm unable, or unwilling, to make a decision. It seems logical that by identifying myself as bi~, I HAVE made a decision. I've chosen call myself what I truly feel inside. Much in the same respect as one coming out when he publically declares himself gay, I'm making a public affirmation of my sexual orientation. The concept that a bisexual person is "simply experimenting," or that s/he is uncertain of his orientation seems to be society's mold of bisexuality. If this is not the core of "society's mold," I can't imagine what it would be.

What it means to me to be bisexual is that it's more difficult to date, and have relationships with people. Largely, due to false, or naive perceptions by my perspectives. Neither gay men, nor straight women understand where I'm coming from. My loyalties, in a sense, are divided. That person thinks that I'm liable to leave at the drop of a hat, because I'll automatically not be happy with one sex. The question always arises "will you ultimately be happy?" Sometimes I need to answer that I just might not be happy with having to make that decision.

From what I see, the whole goal of "dating" seems to be fixated on finding an eventual partner, and "settling down." From our first dating experiences, we're conditioned to believe, as a practice to marriage, that we have to be monogamous. This is unnatural, in the sense that Nature doesn't operate in that fashion. It's true there are species that do practice monogamy: wolves, certain birds for example. They are notable examples. Nature does not operate effectively through monoculture, or exclusive monogamy. The means of expressing sexuality is as varied as there are number of species. Humans born gay, bisexual, transgendered, neutered, etc., are simply natural varients necessary for the survival, and balance of our species.

Within this framework of being forced to choose from column A, or column B, the middle ground is fuzzy, uncertain, odd. It becomes extremely important for me, and other bisexuals, to find a place where we can fit in. Because of this the polarization, it's moreso than with either gays or straights . Nowhere is this duality more prominent than in Christian culture. Not only must they chose sides, but the entire purpose for sexual intercourse is for the goal of procreation (at least according to a fundamentalist viewpoint.) So it stands to reason that I do have much in common with a bisexual, who has happened to have made the poor decision of becoming a Christian. That person knows well good the same emotional turmoil that I'm going through. Under the frosting of our different beliefs, of their choice to be monogamous and non-practing bisexuals, the feelings are still there. They always will be. This is the way we were born.

This post was edited by zen on Jul 13, 2006.

Trailor Park Boys;
Filmed in Canada by BBC America; marketed by Showcase
http://www.trailerparkboys.com/ Documentary style. C. 2003, Second Season.

This is, I think, my new favorite television series. It may surpass Arrested Development as my all time fave.
What is amazing to me is the fact that despite how popular this series is, I've never heard/read ANY review or commentary about this show. That's what adds to its awesomeness.
To my mind, this series will have a limited appeal to the average person. But those who are fans are just like me, enamoured by it.

For those who don't know about this incredible show, I'll give a crash course. There are 6 episodes in second series. The names of the episodes alone give a good indication what you're in for once you start.
Respectively, the season's episodes go like this: "Jim Lahey is a Drunk Bastard," "I've Seen Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Corey & Trevor," "A Dope Trailer Is No Place For a Kitty," "The Bible Pimp," "Never Trust a Man With No Shirt," "The Bare Pimp Project."
Naturally, this starts basic introductions of our cast. The main characters are Jules and Ricky. Obviously the set is a trailer park. Their single occupation is growing marajuana; at least in the case of Ricky. They have a good friend named Bubble, and he has thick Coke-bottle glasses.
Jim Lahey is the Park Manager, and Barbara, his ex- ownes the park. They have a girl, Trina. His assistant is Randy who's never seen with a shirt on, except for certain select scenes that actually move the plot forward. One of the clever twists is that Jim and Randy have a secret relationship that everyone seems to know about.
Corey and Trevor are the token scapegoats. They really are stupid, however, relative to the spectrum of characters they aren't much stupider.

I could spend the entire time talking about the composition of the shows and excellent directing, and snappy dialog, and the complete ability of the director to develop these characters and their interactions with each other.
I can talk about the sheer brilliance of the opening credit sequences. I could mention how the use of with simple shots of the trailer park (or others in real life?), colored by sepia only, mixed with that shmaltzy, sappy 50's type of muzak, and you have a winner.
But that's really missing the point. It's made very well, and the technical aspects of it only accentuate the quirliness of this situation being documented. Looking at the elements misses the point. This show is entirely visually motivated. It's produced with that typical British dry humor.

Picture this opening sequence to "Never Trust a Man With No Shirt On": first we see an arial view of a transformer on a pole. A man is putting a metal ladder up against the pole.
"27 times I've been up this ladder," says Ricky as he climbs the ladder carring tools and stuff. "This is bullshit," he says getting up next to the transformer.
Cut to Jim Lahey and Randy, sitting at a table with lit candles. Lahey is watching his watch. "3...2...1...".
Power goes out.
"Bingo. Same time every night for the last two weeks."
Cut back to Ricky on the ladder, sparks shoot out from the transformer, as he bangs furiously on its metal case. From below, Julian asks that oh so important question.
"Do you know what you're doing Ricky?
"I've been stealing power fuck*ing since grade 7. I know what I'm f*ck*ng doing," he says as he fiddles with wires.
Cut to Lahey and Randy drinking by candle light at the table.
"I don't know what the bastards are doing, but this is the last night we'll have to reset our clocks. You mark my words."
"Except for spring ahead, and fall back, right Mr. Lahey?"'
*sigh* "Right Randy."
Cut to Ricky coming down from the ladder with his sleeve on fire.
"I'm on fire boys!" Jules pats it out.
"Good Job," says Bubbles.
"Transformer zero, Ricky one."
Roll Intro.

Wow! It's this kind of action and plot development that makes this show such genius.

This post was edited by zen on Jun 10, 2006.

29 May 06::2:41am

I've been spending alot of my time lately tending to my music collection. It's one of my joys, in an otherwise banal life.

Over the past few months, this hobby is becoming an obsession. I want to collect as much music as I can and capture it to my hard drive.
I'm digitizing my cassette and lp collection, one unit at a time.
The fun part to this is that I have cassettes that are no longer in print as CDs. Likewise, there are lp records that never made it to cassette, much less CD.

My partner's uncle passed away recently, so his aunt asked me to convert her lps to cd. I''ve done 4 to this point. (One is of a band called First Edition, Kenny Roger's first band [discovered by Tommy Smothers]). She sent over a few really good selections, surprisingly: Johnnie Cash, Roy Orbison, The Greatest Rock And Roll Hits, namely.
There are companies that do this professionally. They charge money. I'm not charging her. My "payment" as far as I'm concerned, is having that music accessable to me in mp3 format.

I've been slowly (naturally) doing my own collection. Sometimes the most fun part of doing the project is getting windows Media Player to recognize the cd that has been created from a .wav (wave) source. (The trick is to have a good recording program that allows you to identify it properly.)
My Bob Dylan Greatest Vol. 2, from LP source needs to be recognized I typed in Bob Dylan as artist (cause I don't dare use the album name of "Best of Vol. 2". I estimate thousands would appear. Under his name I get back 469 Albums.
Oh my.
<Next>
Show all results.
<Next>
It's amazing how many versions of the same album were released in the same contry, and then worldwide.
IT can really suck when you find the information for what you think is the right one, but the songs don't match, or my copy has 19 tracks, and the official version has 12 songs.
Hmmmm.
So now I'm here stuck trying to match up the song on the cd with the songs that come up when I select Vol. 2 [UK] (the only choice I was given.)

I listen to Dylan sing, and realize I listen to pathetically little Dylan. He's one of the most amazing songwriters of my generation, of my lifetime. I saw him last year at the Ryan Center at the University of Rhode Island. It was an awesome show. We all had a great time. He's still full of alot of pepper.
Later in the list i find "THE Best Of Bob Dylan Vol. 2 [UK]". This is in fact different from the other best of vol 2. This has more songs on it. There can be different versions of the same album/CD released simultaneously in different countries. Usually the foreign releases have more or different tracks than their US released counterparts.
<Back>.
"Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits, Vol. 2".
That seems to be it. 2 album set...getting hotter...
YES! We have a winner~!!
And a problem. Windows Media Player is absolutely abyssmal at recognizing multiple record discs. It allows me to retrieve th information on the second album, but doesn't let that become the second one. WMP wants to turn it into the first one, and it'll erase what was just there.
It's rather infuriating. WMP really does suck as a database for music.

So now my digital copy of my lp is getting ripped onto my hd as i write this. Song: A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall interlaces with Album: Bob Dylan's Greatest... It's a beautiful thing. Exactly 19 songs is the entire 2 LP set. It fits perfectly on an 80 minute disc. My library has 17,046 songs.
5,257 of those are the Bilboard Top USA Singles collection for the past 60 years. (I've dubbed it "The Jimmy P. Fat Wax Stax Collective".)
In a sense, I'm operating a file sharing program. Of course, mine is also not for profit. I like having a semi permanent copy of all my music. CDs, DVDs, any portable media gets abused. I absolutely abhor buying the cd (and I've bought many over the years), and the f&*^ing thing getting a scratch. It's thenceforth useless, save as a coaster.

I take a lesson from G~, my coworker. His daughter used his CD collection as an iceskating rink in his kitchen when the stupid babysitter was using the telephone. Sure, you could beat the little monster, but oops! there they are.
So all those discs are shot, and now what? Should he have to buy another 30 or 40 discs? Of course, the babysitter should, but that's besides the point. Regardless of how it happens, those little discs, scratch easily.

I feel sorry for him is his plaight. I told him I'd be willing to make him some compilations from my personal collection. He bought the discs, and I donated them to him, in addition to a Sprint cd carrier. He needs it much more than I, I say. ...give back to the community, I say.

It seems so unfair that those record executives, and corporate clowns make so much money off the sales of discs, and what not, but yet me making him a copy, even though he already bought a copy, is somehow considered illegal.
That is such bullshit. The logic is twisted.

The argument is that none of the money goes to the musician, and I'm robbing him/her. This may be true. I'll telly you what, give me a chance to send the royalties off that album (...a rate that should be prominently displayed on the front of the album I should add) the 1.00 the musician(s) would have made.
In fact, I would be more than happy to send the musican double his commission/royalty rate if it was going directly to him/her. That sounds fair to me.
I don't expect that will have anytime in the near future.

I have 17,045 songs on my computer. None of those were downloaded. Except for the 5,257 from the Bilboard Collection those songs come from albums that I have backed-up. We are still (legally) allowed to make a back-up copy of our music. In otherwards, all that music was actually purchased.
Irrespective of that fact, I have a feeling that one or more of the record companies are looking for a way to make the "backup copy" a thing of the past. They are so stupid, cause these companies don't realize that the way they were/have been doing business to this point is gradually becoming a thing of the past.

I think that anyone whose interested in recording their music knows, anyone with a few hundred dollars can have studio quality recording and sampling machines. Heck, on my computer I have Cool Edit Pro, which is the equivalent to a 128 channel mixing console and recorder. Anyone these days can record their own music, warts and all. Truly it is a Brave New World

My voice, yours, any one's is truly a beautiful thing. Our "voice" is one of two things which seperates us from the rest of the animals of this planet.
An opposable thumb is the other.

One's voice is literally a speaking voice, but also a more general situation of being able to vocalize or write, or otherwise express one's feelings/thoughts/desires.
One of th marvelous things about the internet is that now many previously silent people's now have a voice. In that respect, all those oppressed people can speak with one voice--the medium is a digital expression of technology.

Something came up recently in my personal life. In this state, the guv wants to make "permanently public" certain details about a certain group of criminals. I would be in that 2%, or so, of the overall population.
Of course, the information the guv is talking about is already public information.
(I'm going to be talking about this specific issue in another post...)
In the light of the topic, it would seem that the guv is speaking for the people. These bilboards are the voice of the state. I'm not certain that it speaks in true representation of the public.

So I disagree with this idea, this proposed legislation. I'm taliking about it. In a very public forum, I'm instigating discussion on a certain topic.
In this specific case, I'm examining the phenomena of a voice, and being allowed to express it. Regardless of the idea, however offensive, it can be examined through the internet.
It almost seems that The Web(C) (thanks, Al Gore) is one of the last truly free places in the world.

I think about the last post where I discussed maps, and spaces. Every place/space has a purpose. On a server, i.e. the web, your purpose is to surf, and roam freely.
What would a map of our internet travels look like? Mine personally would have many twists and turns into some pretty seedy parts of town.

In that respect, humanity can speak with a single voice... English.

At some point I think that everyone questions the efficacy of one, single, solitary, lone voice crying in the wilderness.
One speaking out for an unpopular segment of the popularion is sorta like that.
You have few friends, and allies.
On the otherside, I'm sure I'd have the ACLU in my corner.

I chose to make my voice heard. Coming from near (-virtrual) death,the phoenix rises.
The most wonderful part of thoroughly questioning your voice, or ideas, is that in the end, you have a reason to continue speaking. In the end, you realize that you can't be happy not talking about these controversial issues to bring light and examination on the causes of these problems.

And one voice can change minds.
It is those clear, strong, resonent voices that strike at our quick and move us from within -- in a way the political talking heads aren't able to.
The human animal responds instinctively to his/her feelings, and then tries to justify the action with his/her thinking and reasoning.

Priests and police confessionals both know this.
Salesmen also know it.

Through having a clear voice, we can get people to hear our voice. It will resonate.

I love college/community radio. There's so few of the true "free speak" media outlets left. That's why it's so important to support the ones left. It just so happens that in this area I can receive 2 of those types of stations.
The first is WCNI (90.9 fm New London), the other WPKN (89.5 fm Bridgeport). Both are listener-supported.

This isn't a story about radio stations, so much as the content on a particular day. In a truly adroit fashion, in the manner of a moment god-kissed, a nexus developed between radio itself, and the topic at hand: creating a map of our lives...or my own in any case.

On the fm radio station WCNI one lazy evening when I was driving back home. Friday night, I think of last week, where I was on my way to bake a few shrubs, I heard perhaps the most interesting, unique, original, wonderfully decadent and natural, organic words flow from an equally as beautiful voice.
I didn't catch the reader's name, and I'll be trying to research that, but in the mean time, it's the message that is important.

There were three (i think) 2 minute spots where she spoke on three distinct, yet idealogically interrelated topics.
The first theme was about space. Getting to and from spaces that all have predefined meaning and "reasons." There are so truly free spaces where we can be free as people, and individuals. We create more roads and access to those few spaces, that they become commodatized. Our means of access allow us to travel further, and we do, and again create bigger, faster roads that take us even further.
In the end, she tells us, all we wind up doiing is going to a pre-described destination that is for a set purpose... Disneyland, "Theme Park", highway, department store.

The second piece was about maps. This is the nexus. We look at maps and see symbols, and lines, and codes. It's hard for us to read these (so-called) objective. They are foreign to our understanding. If we were to create a map of our own spaces, and our own situations and places they would look much different. True, this won't get you to the local home depott, but it is a truer representation of your actual experiences.

The next was about free time. What is free time? We spend so much of our time predetermined. Our day is nothing but a schedule. Even in those slots where we mark as "vacation" are often to a predefined-purpose-places, usually mapped in the same fashion as our "normal" day.
Very little of our day is spend in creative pursuit, rather regurgitating a predefined script.

I started thinking, nearly immediately about my own "subjective" map with my own personal experiences as the markers. Rather than roads, I would have characters who move through the sections.
My map, me thinks, need not be a static, flat, 2 dimensional creation. Myne could be a vibrant, dynamic, three-dimensional composition reflecting real-time, real-life changes impregnated within the very structure of each individual personal symbol, meeting, consequence, conversation, every funny joke, or gag I tell or do, etc., etc. Anything that I cared to map from my own personal live.

I started thinking about destinations in my map of places I would call: "cool places to get high around town", and "traffic signs I've mowed-down." "positive energy I've given to people (and the negative energy they've returned)."
Interesting things that I do become fastened into the map matrix.
Every event I do, or all the goofy, quirky things I say become congealed in my map. Every bit of personal growth gets lodged into this map. The metric, the legend, is money, and also power, and also intellegence, and also skill, and also creative ability.
My map would run counter-intuitive to the standard of the accepted norm, the dominant paradigm, if my map were to accurately reflect what feels natural to me.

In my town of Things That Make Me Happy, the mayor would have to be music. Ths mayor doesn't believe much in commercial music... but will listen to it for lack of other, more pleasing alternatives.
Truth be told, I prefer only a few commercial stations over silence.

My counselor, "Doug," two weeks ago told me that he was going to have me create a "treatment plan" of my goals in counselling.
I thought of my goals as train stops. It stops at a station, but then quickly moves on.
That almost seems too obvious an analogy, but i think it's a sound one.
One of my goals is to post more frequently to NAO, as well as my handfull of other sites I have my work on. It's important for my mental as well as "professional" state of health.

Another of those destinations is my sexuality and attractions.
...
There's a number of issues and stuff that I'm looking at in my own life, and, it is planned, I'll post on said concerns in due course.
It's a sorta-inventory.
The question becomes: what do I want out of counselling, out of spending that hour a week with that man, talking about current, past, and future events?
I've been with "Doug" for about a year and it's now time to turn-up the heat. I think it's a good idea.
I've been writing lots of notes in my little black book about things I want to analyze in my own projection of a 3 dimensional human being.
I'm being prodded by my clinician to make progress in therapy--make progress in life. Progress=change=difficult::it requires committment, and desire and will. It requires the "yes" of eternity.
To live free is to say yes to Eternity.
To be free is the freedom to say no to unity with The All.

Freedom is what it all comes too. If she be right, we have no concept of free time. If she's right, then in our own "bound" time, drolling along on auto-pilot, then his prodding becomes a message to us all.
How have you improved your life in the last year?
Are you happier, healthier, or wiser?

There are small things we learn, tricks, tips, etc., but can we really lay claim to being wiser? Or even smarter?
I firmly believe it takes a life-shaking event to jar us out of our daily-routine-induced-comatosed state almost all of us perpetually live in.
We sleep walk throught our awake time, and wake sleep in our dream time.
Our soul/spirit never gets any rest.

Terrence McKenna says...well, it's actually very late, so TM will have to wait for another entry.

Thanks for reading~

Just a touch to say hi.

I'm listening at this moment to Led Zeppelin's "That's the Way" audio from the Led Zeppelin DVD. It's the Madison Square Garden 1973 show.
Jimmy Page and Robert Plant are on stage all psychedeliced-out. Jimmi's got his dragon suit, and Plant in frontless jacket sits keeping beat on tamberine.
It leads into "Bron yer Stomp" with Bonzo attacking us with his thick, immediate double bass. We end with Stryder.

Words but fail to describe or contain the brilliance of musical clarity by this duad. Listening to Jimmi's virtuosity I'm captivated. I can hardly write for fear of missing any note he lays down.

refrain: He's back.
Tempo builds.
Bonzo's here,
of one thing I'm sure,
ain't but one thing to do,
stay in natural time we you....
....
...
stryder.

And on we move to a song coming from the Deep South, arriving at Earl's Court in, well, 1975, the date of this show.
"In my Time of Dying" is one of my all time favorite songs. But...there is NO WAY I will listen to this version on the volume setting of 68 that I had the last song on. I turn it to a cool, collected 61 on the volume meter.
AT 51:17 Jimmi does a string bend that is not to be missed.
It's orgasmic.

I'm not so much advertising Led Zeppelin, or their DVD, so much as I am endorsing good music. Who cares if you like Led Zep. Everyone has a first, secoind, third, etc. favorite. My faves tied for first place are The Doors, Led Zep, and Madonna. So what?

It's only about the music. Music that makes us cry, or feel good, happy, or even raw, lets us know we're still alive.
If you love music, or feel something when you've ever listened to a song, then this post is for you.

I share your humanity :)
I share your love.

This post was edited by zen on Jan 06, 2006.