zen's journal

More words to an unseen friend

I'm followed by ambulances
emblazoned by the glory of
my song

I'm singing like
there's no one
else alive.
I the last
one left standing,
Because I am

A sinner at the gates of
heaven, judged by God
and his legions

Faster than any other boy
has ever gone I fly
on wings of glory
sent ablaze by
my love

Swans and ducks
my audience
majestic
sees me off,
send me home
on the back of
angel's robes

There is no one left.
My life is empty
and over.

I'm singing like I alone
am left. My voice is raising
louder, louder
than any other boy
has sung before.

I sing now of you.

A voice once strong
waivers and cracks
lips bleed stress
words lose meaning,
becoming mere sounds,
noises, whimpers,
silence.

Begging, bowing
at those gates,
supplication
goes not forth,
and my prayers
whistle
out to sea.

~~For Robert,
inspired by Meatloaf.

I believe the expression is "on-line chemistry." I think everyone knows what that's called, even if they might call it something different. Some may even be "chat cheating" on their spouse or boy/girlfirend. It's where we find a very special person on-line that we connect with. We've matched chemistry with that person who met on-line.

There's a number of happy, fairy tale, and of course, some not so happy endings that've come from this new "social phenomena." We who post things online realize how different the virtual word is from our everyday, visceral experience. The internet is a much different way to meet people than the standard, tired "bar scene" or "after school activities." We actually get to know more about the other person than regular social situations allow.

I'm not going to go too far into the difference between real life, and computer worlds, but it is important for me to simply voice these thoughts. I've had to face this very wierd (for this 35 year old guy) phenomena.

Here I am, basically a shy, inverted man who had trouble in school and after with relationships...and drank them all away. Or, more important, drank to avoid them. So at this point in my life, 8 years clean and sober, I'm starting to learn some social skills. I now have a modicum or social graces, and the ability to convey feelings, thoughts, stories, loves, hates, and all sorts of normal and healthy interactions with people in the real world. It's about time, and it's about time that I start getting out there and meeting people.

Of course I have a boyfriend. He's my first. This isn't about him...but it kinda is. As a side note I'll say that I don't know where our future is. He's my first, and I struggle daily with the revelation that we're completely different people. So I'm in the process of looking for my soul-mate; because I'm not certain at all if that is the person I'm calling my Schweetie. Basically the whole point of this paragraph is that I'm confused about our future, and that's the only point that's important.

I've been posting online to a few different sites. One for my photos; one for writing; one for artwork; and one for my journal; (and about 50 for my porno :) ). In the past 3 weeks I finally got my messengers hooked-up. So I've been IM'ing folks that I've met at my artsite, and other places. This whole new work is incredible.

So I meet a person who I get along with. He's funny, and we talk about our problems, and stuff. So we all know where this goes. We hit it off, and he's just the most wonderful, charming individual. I start to get to know him, and we're intimate. We have to define our relationship, and things start to get sweltering, and blisteringly confused, and muddy, murky blues water fills our nostrils and we're just basically hooked on each other. I find that I NEED to talk to him to make my day complete. And I find that I need to talk to him to make me feel just a little better.

Enrique Iglaces (spelling I know) has a song called "I'm Addicted [to You]." I thought it was Queen when I first heard it, until I saw the video. He's no Freddy Mercury. What a thought: Baby, I am addicted to you.

I found myself last night waiting by my Buddy List, as some people wait by their phone. He said I'll IM you later when I'm done (with what he had to to.) I waited, did other things, but still I was waiting. Apparently he did IM me, I find out later, but that was at the very instance when my computer decides to fuck-up, and I have to shut 'er down. I saw the IM screen, but no name. Could've been anyone. I reboot, and then wait. I see his name, and wait. I wait a while longer, and check back with Buddy...and he's gone. Just like that.

I wrote a poem about this experience--more or less--and posted it to my writing site. I've titled it "Sorrow (A Love Poem)" I hate this shit cause it hurts. I find myself in some kind of love with someone I've never met, only written to. Welcome to the age of technology.

Baby I'm addicted...

How come I don't write when things are going well?
I actually already know the answer to the question. Because when I'm "up" I don't need to write.

I've read alot of journals and posting since comeing to NAO almost 6 months ago (has it really been that long?!?!?) And the one thing that's stuck out in my mind is something Acid Reign pointed out about people's mindset--or at least of those who post here. There's about twice as many in the "what sucks" forum as there are in the "what rocks" column.

And going over the journals, I've commented to all sorts of topics from friend's suicide, to alcoholic family members, to depression, to folks with probation problems. I've seen subject headings like "What's Wrong with ME?" and "Evil, Conniving ...Me", and "Why Does She Hates Me", or "How Come He Won't Say I Love You," and so on and so forth. The point here isn't to put any journals or posts on the spot, because a few of mine, (namely "The Blue-Fucking-Cheese-Incident") would be sharing that spot.

The point is not that there's too much negativity here, or anything of the sort. I firmly believe that despite the size here, it has a warm, soft, safe feeling...as far as websites go. People feel at least somewhat comfy with the notion of posting some very personal issues here. Perhaps it's because this site, NetAlive.Org, gives forth those warm, comforting type vibes. I'd like to think so.

Or perhaps the more important issue is that despite the public nature of this site, or any journaling site, people just need an anonymous forum to share themselves. Perhaps there's just alot of troubled people in this world...and let's face it who doesn't have troubles? But we troubled individuals have precious few places to share our problems. And we ALL need someone to share with. Even the most hardened asshole that one could think of, even he/she needs a shoulder to lean against--despite what that person says.

So today I lay my problems on the mattress of redemption. I'm really looking to vent, as most do who share their problems here.

I was at one of my meetings, and a gentleman who's a member also works with my partner. I went up to him after the meeting, and wanted to tell him that basically he was acting like an asshole, and noone wants to work with him; not exactly in those words, but something close. The problem is that I wanted to say something, but didn't want to give away confidences.

I made a fucking mess of things. Lookes, and sounded stupid. He asked me to say my piece, and I just kept talking in circles, because I didn't want to confront the guy. It wan't exactly my place. So he got mad and stormed out.

I felt like such an asshole, and I saw the guy in his, but just couldn't say anything to him. I didn't know what. Of course this gentleman didn't make it easy for me to state my case. Honestly, I was a little bit intimidated, because he was startig to get pissed off. The issue is a very contentious one at their work. It's abut the radio. And now that department doesn't have a radio. All I have to say is GOOD. They shouldn't have one if they act like fucking kids.

So I just sent him an email telling him that it wan't my place to comment on his work habits. I don't work with him, so what the fuck should I really care, right?

Well, if for no other reason, I should care in the same way that one sees someone else having trouble and they want to offerr a hand. He's given me good advice, and listened to me in the past. Shouldn't I at least offer him some kind words. Well, in theory that's good, but I just kept babbling, and it wasn't exactly encouragement I was offering. It was more like "Grow Up!" And I don't know if that's really advice, or just some common sense.

But regardless, That is just one of the fucked up things today. I won't go into others, but I felt like I've spent all day in a prize-winning fight with Evander Fucking Holyfield.

And I very much needed to say all that.

Thanks for reading.

This post was edited by zen on Feb 19, 2004.

I'll start out by saying that MAYBE having a second phone line in the house, might've altered the outcome of this situation; however, knowing the two parties involved as well as I do, probably not.

I'm on line doing research for my ebay listings. This is basically what I do for work...keeps a phone line in the house. So he called, and knocks me off line. I knew it was him, before even looking at caller ID. I just have that sense. So I answered, but very calmly even though I'm frustrated. So he says I wanna make burgers with blue cheese in them.
"Would you mind blue cheese?" he asks
"No that's alright," i say.
"Well do you not want blue cheese?"
"No that's fine."
"Because if there's something else that you want I'll get that."
"R. is there a question that you really want to ask?"
"No I was just wondering if ou wanted blue cheese or not."
"I just told you that's alright. If you want to get it that's fine. If not I don't care. If there's something else you want to ask, then ask me."
"I just wanted to know if you want blue cheese."
"I don't fucking care about blue cheese, get whatever the fuck you want."

And then he hung up. Apparently I insulted him. I can see that, reluctantly so. Maybe I didn't give him the must zealous response. He said he thought I wasn't clear. "That's alright." seems pretty clear to me: not necessarily my all time favorite, but it's acceptable.

It's stupid. All this shit is so fucking stupid. Part of it's my fault, I guess. But at this point, I don't really care whose fault it is. I'm just tired of it.

Actually this post has little to do with the DOL, other than the fact that it's where I'm posting this. Maybe, maybe not, we'll see.

Yesterday, I had a nice ride with my step mom to the airport in Hartford, the capitol; which was about an hour trip. I was talking about how I'm unhappy about not working and want to start my own business fixing computers. She was very encouraging, and gave me very practical advice on how to go about this.

So when I got home, I started talking with my shweetie about what I need from him as far as support goes. Basically, I said that I'd like him to help motivate me where I have trouble with that. So the result of this conversation is that we're going to have a time where we can dedicate to our issues, etc., on Friday nights. This is very exciting, and I'm looking forward to this. This "interpersonal time" is something that we negotiated, and it's been a long time coming.

So as great as this interpersonal time (IPT) may be, there is a subtext to it. The issue is something I'll mention briefly as I can get very wrapped up in this if I choose. This issue is depression. I don't really feel like I have depression these days, but I've felt depressed in the past. I know my mom has it, and she has basically zero motivation for most things in life. If there is a depression gene, I think I have it. So the point of this is that it's this "gene" I think that gives me low motivation, and serious anxiety, and fear and other things.

So a a result of this realization, I've talked to my Shweetie, and I think that I'm goiong to make moves to see a psyciatrist. Perhaps I can get a slight boost to get me over this light depression that I think I have. All this time I've operated in a certain way, thinking it is normal. But since I've been sober for the better part of 5 years, I'm beginning to see things in a different way. I think that if I'm going to go out on my own and start my own business, then this might be the most important first step that I can take.

So I'm looking forward to things in a way that I don't think I ever had. I have some small and medium-term goals, and I have support from someone who loves me. I'm beginning to think that I can do almost anything with the right people around me. I'm hopeful that things are going to start looking up for me.

~Zen

Well, been quite a while since I've posted. I guess an update is in order. The money situation isn't any better, but then the Rookwood show came and went. I worked out a deal woth my (step-) mom, and I was going to do work for her to pay for it. The "forth of our party" had to bow out due to her step-uncle's funeral. *:(* Regardless, the trip is still there, but we just don't know when.

Right now I'm in the process of creating an ad for our store (owned by mom and pop of course.) So far it looks good, and we're making incremental changes to it. Had top custom make the star border, so now it's irrelevant, I've been wondering if there's a program out there that creates a star border. I had to get our so look a certain way, but but I wonder just the same. I'm really happy because I can point to this and say that I've been getting legitimate experience in the graphic arts field. And I'm learning about antiques to boot.

I was able to pay my insurance bill last week, and this week it's the phone bill. Obviously they haven't shut-off the service, or I'd not be able to post this!

Oh, and the best news is the Majic joined Lit Kicks about 3 weeks ago. (Gotta put him on the spot for a hot minute to trumpet my favorite site.) Litkicks (which I've listed as my website) ids a great place for writers of all sorts. He's doing poetry right now, but they have prose, stuff about the Beats, general writing information, and the works. LitKicks is just THE best site when it comes to writing, and writing related information...

...and all I want to know, my friend, is how come you didn't tell me? :)

Shweetie and I are in counselling. Actually have been for about 2 months. We're starting to talk about things of meaning. Maybe if I'm ambitious I'll post about a little milestone that I think was helpful to us; or at least to me, regarding empathy. It actually involves the "forth of our party."
Well, that's it for right now. Nothing exciting. But I just wanted to thank all you who commented on the "money" post and were very encouraging.

Well, I'm gonna post this while I still have the phone service.