zen's journal

Money. It's just that simple.
I need some, and I don't have any direct clue where I'll get some. I feel sorta like I''m on the "tilt-a-whirl" (ride that' kinda lika gigantic centerfuge) I sleep later in the day than I should, stay up later at night than I should and just can't seem to get around as much as I should. I'm so disappointed and disillusion about the job situation that I feel like it's hopeless to even waste my time looking for one more job that I'll hate. I need money now, and can't find any. I swore that if I got a job I'd move out into my own appartment, but I can't see that happening anytime soon. And becuae I feel this way, I'm too...something...to be motivated to do drawings or portraits, or anything artistic.

THIS SHIT IS KILLING ME.

I really want to explode or blow-up and smash it all away, but I can't I just have to go through this shit one day at a time. Speaking of which, I should be getting oput and doing more meetings, but I can't seem to get out. Like I said I just can't seem to get out as much as I need to do.

Then there's the Rookwood show in Phili.

I don't have money for that, even though it's not that much. I should save up my money for what's important even thought it's VERY important to get out to do this Rookwood show in Phili. I'm damned if I do or don't. I wish all this shit would go away, but it just keeps coming like fuckinmg waves in the ocean, and I'm fucking useless to stop it.

I hate this shit because it hurts.

I hate this shit
because it hurts.

I hate
this shit
because
it hurts.

I
hate
this
shit
because
it
hurts.

And I hate even more
feeling hopeless
and helpless
to do anything
to stop it.

I hate feeling powerless.
I need to admit
I am powerless.

So there.
I've said it.
But I feel
no better
for it.

(But with all that said,
at least I'm not on probation any longer
and with that fact, there's always hope.)

Look, I think I see the sun coming out....

I have a site that I usually post poetry. (Litkicks.com) But I was going through my personal archives and found the following:

Our dog
the Afghan
the part which is mine,
lay poised on the verge of rest
a true sleep, comes only with
the deepest relaxation.

I can see her ready to nod
having again found her
master, the one who cares
to scratch under her chin
and the sheet of white
tacked lazily against the
backdrop of jet.

Quietly, smugly she slumbers
remembering the soft touch
forgotten
from the day when
there was no trust,
insanity ruled my hand.

Again she sleeps on my bed
the comforter under soft
swoops of long pureblood fur
waiting for master’s return
from his work
from the place he’s gone
for a day,
an hour
for years
away...

He’ll be back,
she thinks.

Five years is lodged deep in the pores.
And now all that appears
is love,
not hate
as there rightfully should be
after that much time;
it seeps into the very veins
holding up the support
of sanity.

And she sits waiting;
five years on my mattress
for her love
pats,
caresses
to return.
While he spend hours
drawing,
writing,
fiddling
for a poor word to say
hello,
or a good-bye,
not forthcoming.

Deeply lodged
in elephantine skin
is the memory
of which I speak;
recessed in the backbrain
are memories of
caring, sharing
love
not forthcoming
but there to be had,
just for the asking.
Do you know what I am saying?

In loneliness we feel all those thoughts
forbidden by logical dictate
that we just can’t face otherwise,
Or so I think,
hacking away
at the substitution
for my love’s energy tonight.

She cares naught
for philosophy
nor poetry
but the simple, good scratch
behind the ears
to let her know I care;
that I’m vulnerable enough
to trust my face
near
her muzzle
to just, perhaps, be licked
by an appreciative tongue.

And of course
in the end
it’s all I really want
but from a human
of the female perversion
to take my eyes
wrap her tongue
deep downside them;
I dream too to kiss
very inside her soul
that I’m lucky
to stare into those pretty
blue eyes,
for which I am
so much a sucker.

In the end
will only matter
that I cared enough
of her to scratch
the low places
behind her chin
how she wanted it;
and not ask once
for the same.

24 Oct 1998: 11:59pm

Well, apparently Mindy's not the only person remiss in their duties. While not exactly away on vacation, I have been off in another part of the world...not that anyone really noticed. (just kidding, got a few emails since I was gone. Thanks Gentle DeepWaters--haven't forgot the last email :/ and Majic--you guys are the bestest!!) It's really nice to see that my sweetie-pie Stoic's back and amongst the living :)

Well, as for the main attraction, the real reason why you've been called here to day, I'll keep you in suspense no longer. Due entirely to the kind graces of Ginsterbusch (I still owe you one buddy) I have posted a bunch of my artwork, and photos (!) on deviantArt. I'm having a blast, and I'm glad I went over there. (I take back nearly every terrible thing I thought about Ginsterbusch.) So I'm gonna take a pause so you guys can mosey on over there and check out my gallery *looks at watch...taps foot*

Ok, that was fun! Well, on the homefront, my shweetie finally has his computer hooked up--he's only been in this house since October. But on the not-so-good side, we got into a huge arguement over his mouse. He wanted his mouse and thought that I used it last, but I didn't, and he couldn't find it, and accused me of hiding it...and things got ugly from there. But on the bright side, I didn't punch his dumb ass :( (And he should be very happy about that!)

What else, I guess the plan to buy the house is going according to plan. He found a bunch of forms on line that pertain to real estate law and the like, so he's filling them out, and looking them over. It should be soon now, but since I'm only doing ebay stuff, my part in this arrangement is going to be very small.

Well, that's enough for now. Hope I can post again soon. I'm fairly busy these days and that's good. It's not anime, but what the hell, it keeps me amused.

Chaio~

Well Christmas is over. Love my family, but I thank god when they go!!

Got a new Avatar. It's the one I use over at deviantart.com"My Avatar." I started with a photograph of a ceramic chimera. I started fiddling with it in photopaint, and added shading, etc. Then converted it to GIF, and that's that. I think it looks great.

Feel free to check-out more of my art work. It's nice to be able to point people in the direction of my work and have people actually see it. ^-^

Nothing in particular. All adults are taken care of at this point, the shopping. Sweeetie asked if I wanted to go in on presents for the nephews and nieces, only 5 minutes before telling me that SNET (phone service) sent us a termination notice. That's my department as far as houshold expenses.

I had to say that I can't get anything for the kids. The phone is just more important. I have money going to be coming in from the ebay stuff, but I'm still waiting for the big check. I'd like to get them something, but I have to look at it as getting my mom in the place where she's willing to have the kids over will be my present to them, even though they'll never know it.

The photos on Photo.net are going well. I've gotten a few positive comments on them, and that's nice. I posted a few items, a painting and a photo to deviantArt. I think that both have their place and I'm proud to be a (non-paying) member of both. Photo.net is easier to navigate, and geared more toward the proffessional, where dA is for a younger crowd. It's a bigger, bulkier site, I think--they offer more than the other, but not necessarily related to "art."

Speaking of that, I got a reply to my comment to wolfwoman about her work. She quite the talented artist, but she doesn't call what she does art, it's a hobby. I guess this is only relevant if you've seen what she does.

Anyway, I'm going to have another installment in the Luke saga in a few days; perhaps after X-mas.

Oh yes, now I remember the big news. I went with my step-mom to Best Buys (an electronics chain store) to help her buy a computer for my dad's store. This is where I do most of my ebay stuff. So we walked around and I tried to tell her about all the great features that the computers have, and what RAMM does, and why 512 is a good thing, etc. So they all have no smaller than 80 Gig drives. It's insane. We were comparing two Compaqs. The first one had 512 of Ramm and a 120 Gig drive. The next had 128 and an 80 Gig drive.
She said "This one's only got an 80."
I said "Ell, that's more than you'll ever use in your life. You have a 8 right now."
"Oh," she said smiling.

I'm not going to waste the space talking about all the great features and toys these things come with these days. If it's interesting, you'll know already. If not, it doesn't matter. The good thing of it is that Best Buys offers a Rewars club. for every $125, you get back $5.00 credit. Doesn't seem like alot, but she spent $1,660 on everything. That gives me about 60. to put toward getting Win 2k, which I desperately need.

She got the HP a320f with a 19" flat panel, BTW.

Actually that's not quite correct. The site isn't set-up to do photo hosting, per se. It's actually a website for photographers. This site, photo.net, lets one post his or her portfolio on their servers. I'm actually uploading a bunch of my pictures as I'm writing this entry.

It's going smooth enough, the interface is fairly easy to maneuver, and one can get to where he needs to easy enough. At this point, I've uploaded 35 pictures. My limit as a non-paying member, is 100. I have about 30 more to go.

I'll be posting more about this a little later today, if all goes well, or even if not.