November 21, 2004
You've not been there
Everytime I hear another PHP Bozo drool about how strict encapsulation, database abstraction and other academic fooling would only keep them from "getting the job done", I feel this irrestible urge to beat them senseless. Not out of maliciousness, but to protect them from the damage they are going to inflict on themselves should they continue on their misguided path.
I'm talking about the magnitude of pain I'm feeling right now, having to maintain a monstrosity I created back when I was still into the "no-nonsense" method of software development. My life is currently devoid of all joy. It's so bad that at the end of the day I'm ready to cut myself and headbutt the sidewalk just to check if I can still feel.
Clearly, we have a duty to prevent innocent minds from coding their way into the trap I find myself caught in. A first step in that process would be to skin and burn alive every person who ever published a tutorial titled "OMG PHP database in 5 minutes r0x0rz" or something equivalent. After we have thus made our point clear, we would announce a two-years grace period in which everyone would receive a final chance to learn how to code themselves out of a brown paperbag.
When after that term someone still thinks that people embracing proper OOP simply need a good spanking to get down to earth again, they may be neutered as to prevent further pollution of the human gene pool.
Further suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
