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If I knew the words to describe this empty stillness I feel inside I would recite them everday. I can't see how people can play the game of life with such ease and for me I am stuck every time I role the dice.
It is the emptiness that drives me towards my every goal. I am always seeking things to fill it. Deep down I know the one thing that will be a renewable fuel. It has no name and what is more apparently I have to wait for it to come to me.
Till then, these passing moments that I love I also hate for their shallowness. Just to talk with someone who might give me an answer to this conundrum of a prayer would be my saving grace.
I thought I found someone once. I thought he held the answers and all I had to do would listen. Yet he was out of reach becuase of the strange situation I had met him in. Now I know he believes only in the books. It doesn't matter what he thinks anymore. I am looking for an answer that he does not have. He does not have it because he cannot believe in it. All his answers fit neatly into a box. For me, it cannot be like that. This stillness that I feel is too large for any box or room; it is beyond this realm.
Could it be that I misjudge him? Could it be that he holds the greatest key and that I am not listening myself. He seems so perfect. They say that Love is blind. But what is Love to those that have not truely lost? Perhaps I am too young to know.
Awakening is natural. Delusion is not.