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I wake up every morning with so much goddamn rage and anger in me that I litterally feel sick to my stomach. I sit in my van listening to music..maybe playing some old nintendo game and occasionally actually doing some work. I have this NCO who is always askin me why I'm angry and the thing is I can't give him a decent response because I don't have a clue. So the next step I take is going over to the Chaplain and saying look..I am stressing so damn bad that it's driving me nuts..but he gave me a fairly round about vague response...
So I accidently had a good day yesterday. I say accidently because the only reason i had a good day was because I hurt my back and was having muscle spasms and Valium just happens to be used in the treatment of muscle spasms..Since I haven't had a damn drink in 6 months letting my head do laps in life's swimming pool for the next 3 days might be nice.. But then why does it matter anyway?
Other soldiers out here don't really seem to understand that there is only one certanty in life and that is of course that we are going to die. They sit there talking so much sh** about how they are going to kill an iraqi if they get the chance and these are the exact same people that when assigned to go guard Iraqi contractors while they work sit there and have a nice wonderfull conversation with the guys and come back with stories of their new buddies. LONI IS NOT YOUR FRIGGING BUDDY. Thats like a soldier in Nam hanging out with Charlie.. Charlie and Loni are not our frigging friends but they don't care...
Apathy seems to be a reoccuring theme in the Army lately..We don't care about the brass, the brass doesn't care about us and I don't care if a mortar lands on my shelter right now. I really don't because I'm fairly sure that 6 months of working 7 days aweek 12 hours a day and having not been able to touch my wife, my dogs or just go for a drive has completely driven me to the edge of reality at which point I found out i could make reality up as I go. So I make reality up as I go and I curse God every time I wake up and realize I'm still alive because even though I love my wife and my dogs and my friends back in the states...LIving the same day over and over again for 6 months has driven me to that wonderfull edge...I really hope I die to day it would be more fun then actually Living the Movie Groundhog day.
I did not say "I am going to kill myself", nor do I imply it in anyway please do not misinterperate that. Yes I said I really Hope I die today but again..That does not mean I will be the cause of that death if that happens.
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