Reading gl0ck's journal

My mind is totally blank; I feel lethargic and weak; I don't feel like doing much of anything. During the writing of this essay, Christmas is right around the corner, and I fear that I will be left unappreciated in the cold. It's really not something I should be ashamed of-- being single I mean, because for once, I feel that I am actually comfortable with the fact that I really can't grasp, let alone, embrace the idea of commitment. I'm so much the happier for that. Yet I can't deny that I feel this primordial need to be pampered--to be appreciated...and If I must allow--to be loved...

The problem probably comes from my ego and the predicament i'm in. At this time, most, if not all the girls I'd be interested in dating are into the assholes, the matinee idols, the jocks, the guys who are "cool" and generally bad, the guys who have the multi-million peso cars. So what? They exude coolness and style and they command attention; they are immediately attractive because they KNOW who they are, they exude confidence. And the chicks dig it, they want to be some sort of fucking trophy to be paraded by men who try to make it look like they are appreciative of them. They want his attention only because it gives them the illusion that THEY themselves have risen to that level. And for this I look down at them. I laugh and scoff at them--for like me--they do NOT know who they are.

Do I really know myself anymore?

Nowadays I feel this insatiable need to flaunt my often exaggerated accomplishments in front of other people's faces so that they'll realize who I am; to be hopefully LIKED. But I fear that my actions would only exacerbate the already complicated ditch I am in, and I certainly do NOT want people to like me for that--I want them to start liking me for who I REALLY am. Where the fuck did I get the notion that If the "Genius-cool-jock-superstar" is there, people will come? Wayne's world?

Truth is, I'm not that kind of person, not one bit. I'm not an asshole, nor am I a genius or a superstar; and I more often than not, am not good enough for anybody. And I no longer want to pretend.

I am really confused, albeit happy. I refuse to reinvent myself for anyone; and through the suffering of my age and my transition into adulthood I learn to appreciate myself; I learn the importance of being who I really am. I don't want to change and because of it, I am filled with mush on the inside, I laugh, smile, cry and get mad just like anybody else. But I don't need to remind others of this, I don't need to flaunt any of my accomplishments no matter how little they are, because I'm in the point of not caring whether or not they'll approve of me; I'm content and comfortable that I approve of myself.

Christmas is right around the corner,

man, it's august. Or are you filipino too? The philippines is the only country i know where people prepare for and look forward to christmas by august. Also, the currency you used for the phrase "multi-x cars" is peso. So, are you?

“To God, there is no zero. I still exist.” Scott Carey, The Incredible Shrinking Man

Opo ako ay isang Pilipino. :) Ikaw? kababayan ba kita? Hehe.

Yup. Dito ako natambay. Very stimulating ang international feel nitong community. Nice to meet you, kabayan! :-)

“To God, there is no zero. I still exist.” Scott Carey, The Incredible Shrinking Man