Reading MelMel's journal

I've been thinking alot lately. For a change. Actually it is a change. Recently I've felt more on my own, but almost in a good way. I can feel myself stepping away from everything, becoming more objective. My only fear is that I'm spending my life thinking instead of living, but that is something I have no control over.

What is strength? For instance, does it take more strength to force yourself not to care what everyone else around you thinks or says and go completely wild...or does it take more strength to control yourself and force yourself not to allow that breathe of fresh air to brighten your day and keep you going? I've always forced myself to believe that I don't care what everyone else says, does, or thinks, but lately I can't do it anymore. I try but I find myself breaking down, falling apart. I seem more distant to myself. I long for that feeling when you totally let go, to have no fears about yourself, to simply live. I watch myself constantly, everything I do or say is analysed by another part of myself. I can't force myself to not care or even pretend I don't care.

Am I being gutless? Why am I too afraid to take that leap into the unknown to sound incredibly cliched. I want so mch to simply live and yet I cannot, I wont let myself. How do I end this cycle? I guess one day someone will do something that I wont have time to analyse. I used to do that when I got angry, I'd fight to grab back that sese of complete control. But now, I dont get angry like that, I know from the start that whatever the problem is, it's my fault.

I've just taken a break for an hour so I could gather my thoughts and I've realised exactly how confusing I must come across to you all. How can I possibly choose to let myself go? Oh, there are ways, I can just go out and get stoned everynight. And it is so tempting...but no, I cant do that, Im doing my best not to try drugs because I KNOW I'll get hooked. I don't have the strength to say no once I've felt that sense of relief. I've been searching for it for as long as I remember. I know to myself to well to say that I'd be able to just try it.

But more than that, I want to feel alive. I want to feel those strong emotions instead of this monotonous depression. I want to feel anger, I want to feel love. sometimes I think I feel love but then I'm not so sure. I dont want it to be love in this particular case. I want to feel loved.

But these are things that will never happen to me. How can someone ever love me when I cant love myself. I look inside myself and all I see is dead, unfeeling.

Is this the self-deception that Jeanette once spoke of? Am I refusing to let myself feel these things because I know that they can never be returned and I'm setting myself up for disaster? Is that a strength? I'm just saving myself pain..surely that has to be a strength...I dont know, I've rambled enough but I still haven't learnt anything...

I've just re-read this and I'm disgusted aout how melodramatic it is. One of my friends recently compared her life to a soap opera in ironic laughter. what if it were true, now that would be depressing.

whatever comes will come and I'll be froced to react then, but I think I'm "safe". Nothing will ever happen to make me feel once again.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!