Reading lvliss...Kunt's journal

Well today I got discharged from substance abuse counseling, which means Friday when I go see my probation officer, I'm screwed. Not only have I been discharged from counseling, I also have not been attending AA meetings. Which if I get introuble for that, I take the fault, I take the blame, However I do not take the fault for being discharged.

They want me to talk about the past and shit. Which I have very strong feelings about talking about the past.
It happend talking about it is not going to change the fact that shit HAPPEND, Morning about it, is not going to change the fact that shit HAPPEND. the fact is .. NOTHING is going to change the fact that shit happend. Why hold on to the past? Why Hold onto something you can not change. Why bitch and complain about it It isn't going to help anything. It is in the past and it should stay in the past. Shit happens

They don't understand me, I don't like to bitch and complain about shit. "oh this and that happend to me,it makes me want to do drugs, it makes me want to drink and hurt myself *cries*" yeahNO that aint me.
Yeah I admit, I used to be like that, untill I Realized that non of that shit is going to change a dayum thing.

Any way on a diffrent subject, Allen and I doing good, as good as we are going to get. I guess I can't expect everything to be like before, we have been to hell and back several times, of cores things arent going to be the same. I guess that all that really matters is we love each other and we are both happy.

Any way i think I have talked enough tonight

-StayC-

If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you are just Peeing all over today

Well, let me ask a question, if I might: if you get high because you just like to get high, then it should be no problem to stop, right? You can stop when you want to, right?

If jail is looming ahead, that should be the prime motivation to stay clean. But if you CAN'T stay clean, then that's a different matter. If you no longer have a choice in the matter, then maybe it's time to start listening to those people who have supervision over your life.

I did something COMPLETELY FUCKED-UP when I was drunk, on 15 March 1993. From that night for the 5 years, 5 months and 2 days, I was placed in the places where all of my decisions were made for me. Then after that, for the next 5 years, I had yet more people telling me exactly what I could and could not do.
Doesn't seem like such a good trade looking back on it, 10+ years of my life in exchange for a few drinks.

So now I've been sober for a few years. Got off probation on 14 August, 2003. The greatest day of my life, quite honestly. Now that I'm sober I can deal with all that shit I couldn't deal with before. The past is always there, whether you chose to face it or run from it. We do not wish to relive it nor do we wish to shut the door on it.

I submit this, when you're sick and tire of being sick and tired, when the old ways aren't working anymore, and you realize that your way isn't working, then get the help that you know you should get. I'm not going to say that I'm not trying to 12-step you. You know better than that. Just consider that if your best thinking got you to where you are now, then maybe it's time to reconsider your thinking. And regardless of what anyone tells you, only you can do that for yourself.

And I'll tell you something else: honestly my life hasn't gotten worse since I've been sober.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

Yeah, I can stop on my own. It isn’t its not as much weed as it is alcohol.
Alcohol is my drug of choice, and they think just because I got carried away one night im an alcoholic.

I can stop, I just don’t want to stop not right now. I’m 18 yrs old that is what kids my age are doing going to parties and stuff, plus alcohol kills the pain
I guess since I have been sober and don’t drink I feel like an outsider.
And it’s lonely, because on the weekends everyone is out drinking and here I am at home alone, and I can’t go with them, because if they get busted I go down with them even if I wasn’t drinking.

Part of me wants to stay sober and part of me doesn’t

I’m not running from the past, I just don’t find it necessary to talk about it. There is no use talking about it, What’s it going to change if you talk about it? Nothing, it happened and there is no way of changing it.

Good job on the sobriety keep up the good work.

If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you are just Peeing all over today

I had a nice long thing I was going to post, but maybe this is better...

If you can chose at this point, that's excellent. That's where you should be.

I won't use the "A" word because it has a fucked-up meaning for people. With that said, let me just make some observations if I may. If have a choice, but choose to drink, even though it's illegal--that's a problem. If you drink and get arrested--that's a problem. If your social life actually does revolve around alcohol--that's a problem. If you're hanging out with other kids/people who are likely to get busted while drinking--that's a problem. If you drink to dull the pain...(what pain?)--that's a problem.

And let me ask this: has drinking done so much good for you in your life that you're willing to donate more time, money, thoughts, energy, more of your soul and life to it? If a human being did what alcohol does to us, we'd want it arrested and shot. Another human doesn't do that to us and live to talk about it; but for those of us with that "special mindset" we not only let it into our house, but give it the keys, and pull up a seat for it. After it's robbed you of all the time you've spent in the PO's office having that prick motherfucker, or rotten cunt tell you how you have to live and what you need to do, and how you're going to shit and sit and eat and breath because of a drink, and you're still willing to take that substance into your body--that's a problem.

In the end it all comes down to that simple phrase, doesn't it: it dulls the pain. At the end of the day, I'm left with myself: cold, lonely and bitter, resentful and empty. So I reach for the sure fix and snort a shot of liquid courage, so I can forget for an hour, or a day. Hell, I've lost whole weekends.

But on Monday, that dull ache is still there. And that motherfucker is still there, and I still hate my boss, and co-workers, and both parents. And the next time I got sober, they are still there. And the next time I sober up, surprise, nothing has changed. They are still just as fucked, and I am still just as miserable and angry and hateful and hurting and empty.

Today they're just as fucked-up. The difference is that I can find better ways of dealing with them and situations, rather than just keep going round and round on that ferris wheel. The difference is that my mind works and I can start thinking. And I'm starting to do for myself, rather than being held hostage to someone else's whims and fantasies.

As to the other stuff: you'll deal with it when you're ready.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second