Reading Stoic_Slaughter's journal

I write poems.
I spend a large amount of time and effort on them, making sure they rhyme to the letter and represent the feeling I am trying to convey to the best of my ability. Of course, you know about my journal (or lack there of, now) and how much it troubled me (and troubles me still). Having said that, I also had a book of poetry. This particular book was very close to my heart, and I wrote in it nearly every day; it contained hundreds of poems. I went to write in it yesterday, and I discovered that it was gone. I thought that perhaps I had misplaced it, but no...it was gone; and oh, the smirk upon my mother's face. The smirk that answered immediately all of my queries. I dropped to my knees, right then and there, and I wept as I had never wept before. My mother looked concerned, and she asked, "What is the matter with you?" and I said, "You threw away my poems." She replied, "Oh, those things? They're far too morbid! I didn't know you even used that book anymore...I threw it away with your journal. There is really no need to keep revisiting old memories, especially memories as negative as the ones you wrote about!"

I can't bear it. I simply cannot. I wish death would come to me, although I know enough not to bring it upon myself.

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

Leave this note on your refrigerator:

My written words you discard at your pleasure,
may the Devil take your soul at his.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

I'd rather chant it in a scary voice outside her bedroom door before she goes to sleep...but good advice. :)

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

I really cannot believe your mother would do such a thing. Does she not have an ounce of love in her body for you? This is a disastrous thing to do to your child. Shame on her.

Can you imagine if Emily Dickinson's mother would have done the same? This would would have been plenty different.

I hope that you will find even more inspiration to get back and start writting. This time write it all online and make backups and backups to the backups. Hide it from her. Do whatever you can to keep her grubby hands off them. She should be ashamed of herself. I tell you she needs a good slap to her face to get her mind right.

What is this world coming too?

I don't think even slapping her would satisfy me now. I don't really feel like writing...anything anymore. She'd find it all, if I wrote on the computer, and she'd delete it all too. Perhaps I'm spoiled for complaining about this, but I just don't see her reasoning behind this. She says she wants my happiness. :(

Thank you though, as always.

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

Well all I can think of thats positive is to say okay mom you wanna play hard ball.... I'd start writing again and I'd make double, triply sure that I had backups of backups and that if she felt so compelled to delete it that she could never do it because you are one step smarter than her. If you know what I mean. A physical slap will not do anything but your perseverance will do alot to metaphoically slap her right where it hurts!

Stay strong! Fight the resistance...

In this case I have to agree in substance to what magic is saying. Backups of backups. Using a computer, which isn't bad idea, you can burn three copies of your work onto CD; once there, name it a game or something to avoid suspition (sp.) Also, there are locking mechanisms for computers to avoid "theft."

The point here is DO NOT stop writing just because there seems to be no safe place in your house to store work.
Computers and e-journals are marvelous, because there's NO WAY she could delete anything, again, THERE'S NO WAY SHE CAN DELETE OR GET RID OF ANYTHING ONCE IT'S ON A SERVER. However, this opens up the possibility of what you're saying to the world, at least potentially. Even if it's not intended for the public-at-large to see, there still is at least one person who monitors the servers. However people store all sorts of valuable, secret information on disk with encryption. And it's not really as compluicated as I'm making it sound.

But the point is also different from just "disappearing work," as I see it. There's a visceral, tactile experience that a writer gets from putting words onto paper. That's why alot of writers still use a typewriter. I was for a while, but then it's gotta get OCR'd and etc., which is a pain in the neck. OCR'ing, and correcting, recorrecting, hundreds of pages takes away from the majik or writing. Some of us just need nice paper, and nice pens to make us happy, and no amount of computer security can change that. Nor should it.

My recommendation. Get a safe, (or locking file cabinet.) A safe can be had a Staples, or whatever your local equivalent is. Ask for one from your dad for X-Mas. Tell him it just might save your life, AND your work. The message to your mom will be obvious. Although that isn't the main issue, it's a point that can't be overlooked

And for your mom, you can leave the nice note under the tree.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

My recommendation. Get a safe, (or locking file cabinet.)overlooked

This gives me an idea. Why not encrypt the journal files? But then that begs the question what good encryption programs are out there to do this sort of thing? I'm totally clueless. I know about PGP but can that just encrypt ordinary files? I thought that was for email.

I know about PGP but can that just encrypt ordinary files? I thought that was for email.

Actually you can use it to encrypt pretty much anything. Files are among the easiest things to handle with PGP.

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

That's yet another great idea from the mind of Magic. (Computers are definitely your thing)! But then I have to toss it back to Stoic, and ask her what she thinks about this. She's been eeriely quiet the past day of so. Perhaps she's in...well, let's pray not. Anyway, how much does an encryption program for a PC cost anyway?

Yet, again, as a creative person, I would miss the tactile-ness of not writing on paper anymore, if I went "all digital." I think that in her house both would probably be a good idea though, cost issues notwithstanding. It goes along the lines of backups-of-backups.

But Stoic, since this is your journal hon, I don't want to hijack it and babble-on about computers. How are you doing?

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

Anyway, how much does an encryption program for a PC cost anyway?

I didn't contribute much to this thread, but did follow it. All I can say is that if it would have been me and my mother, I wouldn't be able to ever completely forgive her. But hey, I really don't have much else to add.
In case Stoic actually decides to have a computer journal, I'm sure we can join our geek forces and find the best possible solution for her. I would be willing to help.

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

I'm doing much better, actually. The only problem I'm having is my mother is trying to take away the computer (hence me not writing for a while). I'm writing at school now, because she has grounded me permanently from it at home. I'm not too concerned though, because my father is trying to help me out as much as he can (I think he may actually love me) and he is strongly against her decisions.

Ergo, I'm not complaining; no reason to, really. As long as I know that there are wonderfully thoughtful people like all of you that responded to my entry, I'll be fine. :)

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

This post was edited by Stoic_Slaughter on Dec 11, 2003.

Perhaps this is all for the better. Any problem writing journal entries from the pubic library? Perhaps you've a school friend sympathetic to your cause?

Even more after you wrote that, I think talking with your dad about a safe is a good idea. Even if it doesn't happen, I think you need to talk about this, to at least him, in whatever fashion you feel fit. More to the point, I think it's important for him to know the depths to which this situation is so bad, and frankly, disturbing.

Perhaps you might start talking about seeing a "professional" as a result of your recent "trauma; and make no bones about what the trauma is. And the best part is that your folks would have to pay. As a fringe benefit, your counselor would probably let you keep a journal there, and would more than likely NOT read it. However, there's understandably trust issues you'd have to work out. I know that my counselor would never read my journal, for what it's worth.

Obviously your house isn't safe, and that's a shame. But the whole world is not full of un-safe places. There probably is one person you can trust. Find him/her, and use this person. If you're a writer, especially poetry, then do what you're called to do. Let no one stop you.

My "homepage" www.litkicks.com (sign-up is free) loves hearing from all writers. Perhaps you'll find a home there. They love poetry of all sorts (although it's supposed to be a "Beat" site.)

But remember, all this is temporary. In a few years, you'll definitely be out of your house...one way or another. Hopefully, you will go to school, and have a blast at it. May the gods go with you my friend.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

That's yet another great idea from the mind of Magic. (Computers are definitely your thing)!

*blushes* Thanks for the compliment. How will I ever live up to it??? HAHA =)

how much does an encryption program for a PC cost anyway?

Free... GNUPG is a completely free replacement for PGP.

Yet, again, as a creative person, I would miss the tactile-ness of not writing on paper anymore, if I went "all digital."

Now that you mention this I do believe that over the last 7 - 8 years of me always typing on a PC, I have lost much of my ability to write using pen and paper. My handwriting sucks now. Its completely amazing. I sat in a classroom this week taking a class on Information Management and I couldn't believe how bad my handwriting skills have degraded over the years. I was constantly looking at what I was writing and thinking what the hell is this? I had numerous things scratched out because I couldn't write legible letters. I was dumfounded! However I can type about as fast as I can speak so I suppose its a good tradeoff.

HEHE...

Re: having "doctor's penmanship"
Yeah, that's an important point isn't it. Can't write a dam thing to save your life :( I can relate. But fortunately, my skills are somewhat still there because I spent so much time re-writing everything when I was away. I've noticed a big difference. That's why I have to draw or do some kind of artistic stuff with my hands so I'm not a total hack when I need to do something nice looking, like a portrait.

I think that especially for women, who I think are more concerned about how written stuff looks, there's a need to keep a journal on paper. I could just be sexist though. Actually, I'll amend that on the spot and say for creative individuals, and I think Stoic is one, there's a need to focus on aesthetics, rather than content.

And let me tell you something. I don't write with fine pencil or pen. Has to be at least a medium, but not the fat ones either. There's more emotion and expression to the medium ball point, or the soft lead pencils than with the fine ones. And in a journal with nice, textured paper, it makes for a very pleasing result. I hate even taking a note with an "auditor's point" or a fine point.

I'll even impose this: craftsmanship is something definitely lacking in our world today. I'd hate to see Stoic, or anyone for that matter, give up writing, being creative, or just allowing deep emotional ideas to flow because s/he doesn't feel its safe to do that.

Pox on her mother.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

I think that especially for women, who I think are more concerned about how written stuff looks, there's a need to keep a journal on paper

mmm, i disagree. i've never kept a journal on paper. actually, NAO is the only journal type thing I've kept going for a week or longer.

i think you were right to correct that and go with the "creative" stereotype. i think everyone prefers/relies more on one of the senses over the other four. for instance i've always been a sound person. i can play a single note on my flute and feel my emotions flow out of me into the atmosphere.

i assume that there is something which everyone prefers over others to express. i've thought quite a bit on how to generalise or even catogorise people looking at character similarities and how people express themselves but no luck so far.

this is a subject which really interests me so if anyone has any brain waves please tell me.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Something about music baffles me. I'm not just talking about reading it. How can one listen to it, and interpret it as if it's a sentence, or a "phrase"? This isn't meant to be a rhetorical question. It all sounds like "noise" to me, regardless of the fact that I really love music very much.

But I'm fine with this. I am moved by what is put forth in the air, and the fact that little of it actually is physical or mechanical for the overwhelming results that it produces. And I might not know the mechanics of making music, but I feel definitely what you're saying about hitting the "right note" when I sing. There's just something to be said for resonance.

Stereotype perhaps is a good word. "Character similarities" aside, I think the fact is remarkable that two musicians from different languages and cultures get together, start playing, and bingo, it is bloody majik. And they don't even speak a word of the same language, outside the "phrases" of music. I have the same thing happen with visual artists and painters. I can "read" a painting, just as clearly as if it's the spoken word. Lots of people can't though. But there's those who can read code in the same way. I'm beginning to get that way with HTML, but I digress.

Toward that end, this is why I am ecstatic, at least for Stoic, that this post is being kept alive. Even if she can't access the replies everyday, at least she would know that we're thinking of her, and resonating with her pain.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

actually, NAO is the only journal type thing I've kept going for a week or longer.

Same here. I've never been very good with journals, and I guess it has alot to do with being surrounded by overly nosey people, and the fact that I feel stupid for writting things down that I don't want anyone to see.

think everyone prefers/relies more on one of the senses over the other four. for instance i've always been a sound person. i can play a single note on my flute and feel my emotions flow out of me into the atmosphere.

For me, it's got to be touch. Sure, I can look at a painting and know what the person felt when they did it. However, I can place my hands on a sculpture and know why that particular curve or ridge was put there. It's a beautifal thing to me, though I can rarely interpret what I know into words to tell someone else about what I learned from a touch. I suppose that's why I'm good at sculpting though I don't get to do it very often, mainly because I can't afford the materials needed.

--Jami

You fail it.

I suppose that's why I'm good at sculpting though I don't get to do it very often, mainly because I can't afford the materials needed.

I disagree with that on principal; I do sculpture ((part time.)
(I'll save this for a separate post however.))

I agree with everything else!

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second