Reading MelMel's journal

It's 11:49pm New Years Eve. And I'm sitting her on the computer home alone. woo-fuckin-hoo.

And I'm thinking, which is something I try not to do in times like this. I'm thinking that I've been living over the internet for too long. I have a whole other life here. It's still me, living out my life, it's just a different one.

And I like this internet life better. Where people can't see me. I have respect, friendship. Hell, I even have love here. Well, I'm still wary of that but that's another story.

But now I've realised I cannot keep these lives separate. I'm terrified what people who I've spoken to over the net will do, say, and think if they should ever meet me. Yet, i have so much being offered to me by these people. I don't know, maybe they're offering me happiness. but maybe they're not.

Maybe the whole thing is just a running joke. A bunch of friends of friends going "Hey, let's fuck around with Mel's head. Here, you pretend to love her, you pretend to respect her..." etc.

I keep telling people not to make judgements until they have met me, but they insist on doing it. I ask them not to say things to me they can't take back but they insist.

And, I'm scared. If I do allow these two parts of my life to intertwine i could lose everything. well, that's not quite true. I'd still have you wonderful people :D But I'm still terrified of losing respect should i ever get an opportunity to meet with any of you in real life.

11:58. two minutes to decided what I'm going to do.

Well, i think I've made my decision. I'm going to meet up with all these people. Let them hate me, let them hurt me. At least i might know truth then.

I'm tired of hiding, hiding behind my veil of words. I'm sick of not being respected when i should and being respected when i shouldn't.

It's Midnight, Happy New Year NAO.

It's time for me to finally take a chance in life. I will meet these people and let them think what they want. I'll hold no gruges. How can I blame them?

And then my life continue out of the confusion it sits in currently.

so, my 2004 Resolution is: Make my life real. Stop hiding behind words. Act as I feel, not as I should. I will allow myself to feel and therefore to be.

Speak to you next year for those of you in a behind timezone...forall others...pinch and a punch forthe first of the month ;)

Have a good year.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Well Hello MelMel, its 2 minutes until 2004 and I wanna wish you a very special New Year. Its okay internet life is great. I've been living an internet life for a while. Don't worry you have friends and everything is okay. Just smile and have fun. Happy New Year to you!!

Sorry I've been so long in response, have been pretty sick lately, just logging on and then off again before i faint.

But thank you for all your well-wishing.

it truly means alot to me to log in and see support from people such as yourself.

Now that i am physically feeling a bit better, i am feeling better emotionally. whoot! still along way to go, but i can work at it.

Thank you all again,
-Mel :)

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

It's time for me to finally take a chance in life. I will meet these people and let them think what they want. I'll hold no gruges. How can I blame them?

Perhaps, you should stop assuming that everyone will think your anything less than the great person you've written yourself to be?

--Jami

You fail it.