Reading majic's journal

What compels us to create? As if I was slapped in the face with an invisible hand I've come to realize that I have this desire, this burning need to create. The products of this creation need not be limited in scope. They vary from music to writing to photography. And in no other time of my life has this urge been so strong and compelling. As if my body was being attracted like a magnet to an invisible force. I am being pulled in a direction that I cannot see. I know it's happening because I can feel it. And the fruits of this desire are being deposited on my door step.

So the question that I have for myself is where is this hunger coming from. How do I feed, norture and keep it happy? I absolutely love it, I cherish it and I need it! I'm a bit scared by it as well. I just wanna understand myself more, what my purpose is in this life? If I could send a probe to the most remote reaches of my brain, what kinds of pictures would it send back? Would they be wonderful and fascinating? What color are my thoughts, what shape are my memories. Would the hues be as amazing as a rainbow? I have no idea but wonder is next to love and something that I need in my life.

My creation need not be compensated with money. Infact I am not at all enthralled by that in the very least. Money is not the object of my life. Money does not even live on the same planet as I. I mostly wish I was living in another time where art and creativity seemed to be a way of life. I spend literally all my free time in pursuit of art. Whether this art is writing some mundane computer code or playing the piano or electric guitar... It need not matter. Maybe this is from a lack of love. Maybe, I think deep down that people will appreciate me more. Maybe this is an outlet to gain attention. I'd tend to agree to some extent. I'm pretty lonely at this point in my life. And quite frankly maybe this new desire is to compensate for my lack of physical love.

But with that said. How can we measure the talent of an individual. When society places a need for a degree and a certain level of eduction how can we know when we are smart and good enough? Does a degree determine the worth of an individual? We all have a brain. We all have ability that far outweighs the force of society. I just wanna know where I fit in. Surely I'm worth just as much as the next guy. I don't have a degree or hold a doctorate. I'm a normal guy with an ample amount of determination. And quite frankly, I think determination and sweat go along way to proving self worth. However, self doubt plays a large role in my life. Ability is trumped by numerous obstacles that range from doubt, to feeling I'm not smart enough or wondering if I was somebody else. It's evil doubting ones self. And how in the world can we really know we are talented enough to perform a task? Are the works of an individual a proof of talent? What if we desire more than life to be good at something. What if we fall short but still make an attempt. Are we smart? Are we worth something? Damnit I don't feel I need a degree or a doctorate to be an artist. I have hands, I have a heart and I have love. I have ideas and I have tools to produce a work of my creativity. Desire is the only degree I need.

I just wanna reach out my hands and grab the answers. I want to hold them in my hands and feel their textures. I want to take them apart and see what they are made of. Somebody tell me where they're at, because quite frankly I don't know. I'm just a guy that wants to be loved and show his love...

LOL (sorta) was beginning to wonder where all the poetry was coming from .

I see you've been busy creating new avatars :)

Anyway, there a gentleman who's an IT professional by day. He works at the local paper (circ 15,000 daily). By night he is a potter at the community center pottery studio. He seems to have the perfect temperment for it. Attention to detail, patient, and able to sit for exended periods of time without getting too bored; which are not known qualities of this Zen (despite the name ;))
Perhaps pottery might be up your alley.

--just a thought. Hope that you're doing well buddy.
zen

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

I see you've been busy creating new avatars :)

If typing "64x64 Avatar" into google.com and then searching the results is called creating an avatar then yes I have been creating new avatars. HaHa..

Ha ha on me. I meant creating a new ID.

But what do you think about pottery?

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

What do you mean by ID?

I don't have anywhere to go and engage in pottery. My plate right now is pretty full. I really wish I was back home so I could engage myself in music again.

Well, be objective for a moment. You've got a new avatar, after just recently changing it. Sure you do that regularly; but you've gone started writing and posting a bit of poetry. I'm not saying that these are bad things. I'm just saying that if you were older, I'd think you were going through a mid-life crisis :)

In a nut-shell, you're reinventing yourself (I'm not making a judgement...just an observation):)

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

Well, be objective for a moment. You've got a new avatar, after just recently changing it. Sure you do that regularly; but you've gone started writing and posting a bit of poetry. I'm not saying that these are bad things. I'm just saying that if you were older, I'd think you were going through a mid-life crisis :)

In a nut-shell, you're reinventing yourself (I'm not making a judgement...just an observation):)

Oh yeah, good point. No I don't think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. Actually I'm in a rather damn good mood actually. But thank you for the observations. They are much appreciated.

Thank you. Reflection is a good thing...if you let it be.

I was hoping that things were going well for you. The poetry has been a welcomed surprise.

(If I get a chance I'll have to read some of it =) )

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

I was hoping that things were going well for you. The poetry has been a welcomed surprise.

Well thank you. It's been a welcome surprise to me as well. Have you ever done something than after reflection wondered how in the hell you did that, or where that inspiration came from? That has been the feeling I've been riding for about 2 weeks now.

(If I get a chance I'll have to read some of it =) )

Oh now that's just wrong. How can you say it's been welcome if you didn't read it? Haha... Just kidding of course.