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Reading Love and Lifesense

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. We met when I was 17, the summer before my senior year in highschool. He was 21, 4 years older then me.

The first couple of months were amazing, just like all new relationships. I did'nt want a boyfriend, he did'nt want a girlfriend, we were just having fun with eachother. Then the inevitable feelings started to come into play, for me at least. A couple of months into our relationship I assumed we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and not just dating. BOY! Was that a mistake! At dinner one night with a bunch of our friends we were asked if we were a couple. I said yes, and he recoiled in horror. I was so embarrased, but I kept it to myself, as I did many things in the years to come.

After about 2 years he finally starting using the word girlfriend while introducing me. He has a problem with lables on people, holidays, anything that has been created by society with no real reason/purpose. He does'nt belive in spending any time with my family. In those 3 1/2 years hes been over maybe 3 or 4 times. Thats fine also. If he does'nt belive in doing certain things, I will respect his beliefs.

I love you. That term to him is like garlic to a vampire. The only time hes said that to me was when we were both high on ecstacy (which we don't touch anymore) and the two times he temporarity broke up with me for a month.

There are PLENTY of things in our relatioship that I love. All in all, we are happy. Mostly because I keep my mouth shut, but the good outweighs the bad.

Last night I was half asleep while he was watching TV. I woke up and groggily looked over at him and was overcome with, well, love. It sounds corny, I know. So I said "I love you". He looked at me and said "OH GOD", in the tone of voice you use when you come home and find your dog peed all over the couch.

I was still half sleeping, but hearing him say that woke me up completly. He asked me to click off the TV. There was silence, and I was fuming. I stayed for about another minute, thinking an apology or something would come, but it did'nt. He did'nt have to say I love you back. I did'nt even expect that. But to speak to me in that tone of voice like my feelings were shit, well, that really hurt.

So I got up, said goodnight and left. I did'nt kiss or hug him goodbye. He made a kissing sound in the dark, like he was blowing a kiss, but I did'nt go over to him.

I don't know what to do next. He has so many issues, and will never be the kind of man I want. I want someone to love me. Love ALL of me. Not just parts of me that he finds convienant. I keep thinking maybe he will change. Maybe he will care more about how I feel. I've made such an effort to go by his emotions and ignore mine.

I sound like a cliche, but love is like fire. Its beatiful untill you get 3rd degree burns.

We should of brought a bag of rocks....

He has so many issues, and will never be the kind of man I want. (...) I keep thinking maybe he will change. Maybe he will care more about how I feel.

I believe the question you should ask yourself is if you can bear to live with him in case he won't change. You said you love plenty of things in your relationships, but doesn't not feeling loved take quite a lot to outweigh.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion

Oh the unfortunate problems of traditional relationships in a deconstructavist society. You're right. he does have issues if after this much time he's not willing to "label" or sully your relationship with "artificaially constructed" terms like boy/girlfriend, love, Christmas, family structure, etc. Doesn't that also make it convenient for HIM that he doesn't have to adhere to these stupid, childish "labels." And let's face it, doesn't your relationship with this boy seem to have a childish, immature tenor?

I don't know what to do next. He has so many issues, and will never be the kind of man I want. I want someone to love me. Love ALL of me. Not just parts of me that he finds convienant. I keep thinking maybe he will change. Maybe he will care more about how I feel. I've made such an effort to go by his emotions and ignore mine.

I agree with Jaz, who echoed those words. Maybe he will change. But are you hoping that it'll be you that changes him? Maybe Jesus will come back before that happens, then you won't have to worry about it.

Short of that, you need to take responsibility for your feelings, and your part in the relationship. I'll say this: he's not changing for you. Unfortunately, from what you've said, he doesn't seem to respect you. You need to decide what is more important for you: this person, or your self-respect.

I'm not being blunt because I'm mean. I feel that you've wasted too much time in this relationship that won't improve any time soon. Live your life. Be a whole person. Don't depend on him to "let you" have that. Get it for yourself. And don't wait another second.

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

This post was edited by zen on Jan 22, 2004.

It's time to move on. Every minute you spend with him is a minute lost for you that could've been spent looking for or dating the right man for you. By staying with this guy, you are keeping the door of opportunity closed, the door that could help you find a man who loves you and has respect for your feelings. Stop wasting your life on this guy.