Reading eljefe's journal

I'm kinda in a daze this morning (10:06 am right now). I have a friend that I noticed hadn't been to class the entire week, then on Friday I overhear some people talking about how sick she is (sick as in mentally, and I don't mean sick like is a pedophile, more like sick as in has the flu). I then log on to deviantART, and read her journal, and find out that she attempted suicide several times this week, and is back on her anti-depressant and has resumed sessions with her counselor.

To hear this scares the bejesus out of me. She isn't one of those girls that dies her hair black or red and wears the hot topic wardrobe, she just seems like a regular girl with a massive amount of intelligence (she's technically classified as a junior, and takes junior level classes, though because of her age, she gets grouped with the sophmores). She helped me alot by listening to my petty problems, and I really want to help her, but how much help she wants is up to her. I want to say this comes as a surprise, but I know she has a history of depression, but from how she acted, I thought she conquered it. You know what they say, assumptions are the mother of all f***ups.

This just... I don't know what I'd do if she ever left. She said in her deviantART journal that she's finished trying, and knows suicide is not the answer, but I know that in moments of contemplated suicide, thinking is not rational nor logical (if it was, you wouldn't be in that position anyways, would you?). I just don't want to see her go. She's beena great friend, and the first (and you can kinda say the only) friend I've ever really opened up to, and unfortunately I don't think I've been a great listener. So, here, where all you can see, I make a vow to shut the f*** up and listen. All you here can hold me accountable to that vow.

[edit] By the way, I'll wait a while then poste the url to her deviantART page if you'd like.

Pistol Grip Pump In My Lap At All Times

This post was edited by eljefe on Feb 28, 2004.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. I believe it is *very* difficult to notice those things, if someone doesn't want them to be noticed. (That she wrote it into her diary hardly counts, real-life is something different.)

That said, "trying to listen and shut up" (from times to times that is) is an excellent resolution, most would be well-advised to remember. I'll certainly try.

'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman. 'Get stuffed!' the Harlequin replied, sneering.

She isn't one of those girls that dies her hair black or red and wears the hot topic wardrobe,

On a sidenote: what does this sentence mean? I really dont understand it, part of me being NOT a natural speaker of english, meaning its not my mother-language, so - what this particular, let's say "phrase" mean? Of course I understand the words, but not their particular meaning :-/

she just seems like a regular girl with a massive amount of intelligence

(she's technically classified as a junior, and takes junior level classes, though because of her age, she gets grouped with the sophmores

I suppose this means she's technically better classified in school than she would be normally at her age (if she'd have a lower IQ, maybe)? This could be a possible problem she aint able to handle properly, which shoves her down and such. Maybe she also would like to have way more time / fun with folks of her real age, but cant, because she's treaded said other way?

- at least, this would make sense to me, as I had (and partly still have) similar problems, because of being a) of hight intelligence and b) of having a growth problem, which let me get into puberty way too soon, letting me look like a 12 year old whilst I still was at an age of 7. When I turned 20, I finally said: I dont give a fuck if people think I'd be 4-5 years older than I really am, but nowadays - I'm 23 now - they think of me being between 28 and 33, which IS fucking disturbing, sometimes even disgusting - I am 23, and I like to be treaded that way! X-(

Okay, one could say, after folks though of me being 5 years older than I realky am, one would finally start to (re)act to that behaviour and wishful thinking, and become partly a person who's some years forward on the mental latter, but then there are so much disadvantages thanks to this you finally start not only to dislike that, but HATE it. :(

So maybe she's suffering from similar troubles and problems, and also aint able to share this problems anymore, so the pressure finally is pushing her down and she tries out suicide - btw: do you know the differencies between a person who really wants to commit suicide and a person who 'just' cries out for help? The first one would do parallely set slashing on the wrist, whilst the other one, the one that 'just' does the final cry for help, is doing them across the wrist - so maybe your friend tried it that way, and possibly finally someone got the message ..

just me to oozing bloody o2 cent,
cu, w0lf.

Fuck off the 30 seconds posting limit!

She seems to cope fine, in fact enjoys it, but that is just seeming to me. I very possibly could be wrong. And by the "wearing black" thing, I mean one of those constantly sad, spewing the "I'm going to kill myself" rhetoric gothic (DISCLAIMER [aka COVERING MY A**]: not all goths are like that, but you know what I mean).

Pistol Grip Pump In My Lap At All Times

I mean one of those constantly sad, spewing the "I'm going to kill myself" rhetoric gothic

the fake ones, you mean. ;)
Those guys/gals who simply misinterpreted all about gothic, thinking it has to be always sadness and sorrow, getting angry when having a look at The Jay Archives ... yeah, ok, I know what you mean :D

Just wanted to be sure you didnt come up with any idiotic prejudices - thanks for not disappointing me ;)

cu, w0lf.

Fuck off the 30 seconds posting limit!

Oh, i have no prejudices of the like :P. I've got a couple of friends who considder themselves goth, and truly, they aren't excesivly morbid or suicidal. I just mean the morbid, suicidal kind. We should give them a name, so no one will get confused... how's "emo" sound to you :P Just kidding.

Pistol Grip Pump In My Lap At All Times

This is the second time in a week I've heard someone talking about a friend who's thinking of suicide.

It's just so fucked up. The person thinking of suicide, or actually tries it, is so far gone that they don't care how selfish they are, or whether or not they'll hurt anyone by their actions. So those of us left have to clean up the mess, and make things right, and are floored by grief and sorrow, and hurt and even more pain because a major support of ours is gone.

First off, I know you're a good listener. When I posted to your post about that killer computer, and then your posts to the video editing system at your church, you never blew off a question, or a post. You answered, and got to the point, and were very attentive to strangers. How could you be any less than that to yor friends? You can't.

As to her "seeming fine", that's the nature of this filthy, festering, rotten, wretched abortion called depression. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. And mostly cunning and baffling to those who love those afflicted by it. Her problems have little to do with you, ElJefe--in the respect that you can only watch helplessly from the sidelines. Don't misunderstand what I am saying: the after effects of them have everything to do with you, because you care a great deal for her.

I don't know where you are geogrphically in relation to her, but if you don't see here daily, and talk with her daily, and spend ALOT of time with her, you'll never know that something is amiss if she is ACTUALLY intent on the act.

Those who talk about it usually don't do it. Those who talk not of it are the ones truly at risk. My friend, your ONLY task, work if you will, is to just keep her talking about it... however you have to. And perhaps she should know that you don't trust her silence anymore. You NEED to know how she is, and she NEEDS to talk to you everyday.

Additionally, the only thing that you can truly do to help is to just be there, and keep asking her about stuff. She won't be better, untill she's better. (Does that make any sense? *It's not supposed to*). And feel free to liberally mention how sad, and hurt, and lost, and alone you'll be if she goes through with it. And even if not actually going through with it, you'll still feel like shit if she tries it.

And you might want to suggest that perhaps her mental problems aren't actually her fault. She has a disease, and needs treatment for it--like someone with diabetes. Would she blame a diabetic for needing care? Of course not.

However she got to where she is, is how it happened. Chances are that it wasn't her fault. She should realize that, and if possible, ElJeffe, please tell her that Zen- (from DA) told her this, and that if she thinks I'm wrong, then fine. But god dam, be a friend to yourself, love yourself, and get better... whatever it takes to get there.

The world needs more beautiful people. And one who's "been there" and comes back to talk about it, is a truly beautiful person in deed. Please, give her a hug, and tell her that she is loved, and that you care.

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag