Reading hells_angel's journal

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t feel anything like I used to. I keep on trying to find myself but I guess I just don’t want to be found. I’m 19 I have no boyfriend, I chose to be single cuz my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. My best guy friend Dre is not talking to me cuz I gave him attitude last night when we were talking. He talks about his fucking girlfriend all the time. He’s gonna marry her and leave me to fend for myself and he doesn’t understand why I’m always so damn upset anymore. How can I tell him “Umm I think I’m falling in love with you and I don’t think you should marry her”?? He is getting her a $4000 platinum engagement ring soon and when that happens it’s going to kill me. He doesn’t get it. I like him so much. Ok I don’t love him but damn every time I get close to someone they always end up leaving me or stabbing me in the back. Dre doesn’t understand why I cry at night. He’ll be talking about how much he loves his girl and I’ll start crying because it hurts me so much to know that he will never feel that way about me. All those times he kissed me, gave me hickies and basically every time he touched me he wasn’t seeing me he was seeing his girlfriend and he doesn’t understand why I get so upset anymore. I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him that I wish he would shut the fuck up about his fucking girlfriend. I can’t tell him I care about him and that when I say I hate him or tell him to shut up its because I just want to lose myself in that moment and just know what it is like to be happy for a few moments before I go back to my apathetic ways. He doesn’t understand why I don’t smile and why I don’t want anything to do with men anymore. And he said last night he was gonna holla. But I know he won’t. So tonight I’m just gonna wallow in self pitty and cry until I’m all cried out and then find someone who can get me some weed or some alcohol so I can drink my problems away. It just seems that I am making all the mistakes over and over again. I mean this is exactly how the fuck I lost my other guy friend Jonas cuz I wanted to be his girl but he didn’t want a girlfriend. And if I wouldn’t have had a boyfriend I would have been Dre’s girlfriend but no I messed that up just like I fuck everything else up in my life. I should just fucking kill myself and get it the fuck over with. I’m done living this life. It’s too much. I can’t bear it anymore. But of course I can’t die a virgin so I’ll just find some guy and sleep with him and then die.

Take your time don't live to fast troubles will come and they will pass

I should just fucking kill myself and get it the fuck over with. I’m done living this life. It’s too much. I can’t bear it anymore. But of course I can’t die a virgin so I’ll just find some guy and sleep with him and then die.

I understand that you're going through a very difficult time, but why would you want to kill yourself? You'd hurt everyone who ever cared about you. Besides, I know this is trite, but it really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

From what I've read, you seem to be very dependent on others. I don't think you're giving yourself any credit at all. You keep turning to relationships and, apparently, drugs to make yourself feel better, but it only makes things about 2000 times worse. I know it hurts when you have strong feelings for someone and they leave you, but my advice to you is to lay off the thought of that kind of relationship for a while. Men have trouble focusing on anything else but their girlfriends sometimes, and if you really care about your friend, let him have his girlfriend! He apparently really cares for her, and sometimes you just have to let it go. Don't let experiences keep you down; you've made mistakes, so learn from them. I suggest you go out with your girlfriends, watch a movie, eat ice cream, take a walk, write a poem...anything that may make you feel better. Don't let all this negativity live rent-free inside your head. Focus your time on something more productive. Acknowledge the fact that you can get through this without the help of anyone, and proceed to do so. Life is difficult, for everyone; but without misfortune, we'd all be weak. Don't wait for someone to help you. Help yourself.

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.