Reading MelMel's journal

This is the first of one of many letters i am too gutless to send, containing things i am too gutless to say. However, it's important to me that i do somethig, so even though i know these epople will never read them, or if do they wont know it's to them, i still need to write it for someone to read. Anyone.
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Gus,

you don't know me. You dont know anything about me except what you have been told. And that is not your fault. That is all mine. It is certaintly not from lack of trying on your behalf, but understand that i must be distant. I cannot allow anyone, particularly a teacher like yourself, to see weakness from me. I must be strong.

That is why i want to know why you said what you did. Why did you tell the whole class the story about the girl whose brother finished school last year in the top 2% of the state, and how the girl would not do as well because though she had the potential, she did not have the riht "work ethic". Did you believe i would not see your meaning, even though you pulled me aside the previous day to tell me that i had the intelligence to do well, but i lacked potential?

Or was that you wanted me to see through it. Wanted me to collapse in front of a class full of students older than me and run sobbing from the room. But i forget, you dont understand me. You dont know that i will never allow myself to cry. Not in public, and not even in private.

Whatever you hoped to achieve, you failed. What you succeeded in doing was this:

You have lost my trust and respect. Oh i still respect you as an excellent international studies teacher, but don't respect you as a person anymore. What sort of person does that to a student? Namely a student such as myself. Oh thats right, you staff don't think i have problems, im just another angst ridden teen.

I'm not. It's ironic, if i had the strength i pretended to have i would be dead by now. I would have plunged the knife that ive held trembling deep into my flesh and been at peace. But i cannot bring myself to do that. I content myself with watching blood dribble down from shallow cuts and scratches whilst thinking wistfully of sleep.

So far i have told you what you do not already understand, if you dont get that then at least remember this. I love my brother so much. He is my best friend. Im so rpoud of him for achieving what he did. But i am not him. I am not as talented or intelligent as him. That does not make me love him anyless. If i can deal with my inferiority, then i think you can too.

I want you to imagine looking at my eys at this point. Thats right, my big brown sorrowful eyes. And imagine them sharpened, staring deep into yours, sucking power out of your body and putting it into mine.

That is what i can do. I can make you feel as bad about yourself as youhave to me. I can haunt you thoughts and takeover your emotions with feelings of guilt and anxiety.

But i dont want to. I want you to say "oh mel, im so sorry, i didnt think it would have this effect on you. I didnt think at all, i just wanted to motivate you to try harder, i wont do it again" and you know, you probably would if i had the courage to talk to you.

But there is still the chance that you wont. And that chance is what keeps me in silence. Preventing me from relief.

I hate what you said and i dont care why you said it. But i still cant bring myself to hate you.

Allow me to be mediocre. Im tired of trying to be anything else. Im tired of everything.

So please gus, no more. You know nothing of my capabilities. You have barely known me for two months. You will never know my capabilities until you know why i froce myself to limit them. And i dont think you will will ever know that.

I set my own standards. They not yours, not my brothers, not jeanettes. They are mine.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Moved. And urged to reply, not really believing I can write something helpful, but at least to show just that urge.

Do me a favour: If anyone ever dares to speak about your (or anyone's) "potential", slap him. Applying the word "potential" to a person is most cruel, borderline disdaining.

Schools often seem to see it as their most important duty to "produce" as many good pupils for society as possible. This alone - while being understandable, after all that's what society pays them for - is problematic enough. But now, instead of accepting this as their responsibility and trying to earnestly help their pupils to move forward as fast and far as those are willing to, they pass on this responsibility to the students themselves. Better live up to your potential, eh?

Your potential is nothing more than your optimum "value". It is a measurement of what you could - in their eyes - "achieve", completely ignoring you as a person, your problems, your peculiarities. It is a way to make even a good student feel inadequate. Responsible to excell. But responsible towards whom?

I'm probably being too harsh here. My parents are teachers, too. I think this might hurt them. And there are other good teachers out there, I've been luckiy to know a few. Still, they should know what a sentence like "I know you can do better" after the 5th repetition really means. Your letter should be required reading for every teacher-to-be.

Oh, and on a sidenote:
A sentence like

If i can deal with my inferiority [...]

within such a letter reminds me strongly of a quote from Futurama, that went like "I've never been good with words which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum". :-)

Don't know what to wish you. Perhaps: At least to be treated in a way, and to be at ease with yourself, that knives lose their appeal.

'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman. 'Get stuffed!' the Harlequin replied, sneering.

Do me a favour: If anyone ever dares to speak about your (or anyone's) "potential", slap him.

ok :)

reminds me strongly of a quote from Futurama

ahh, what a truly great show..."I was at the scene of another crime at the time officer." Bender is awesome.

i realise i've only repsonded to the easy parts of your post, but i dont know what to say in retrn to the rest of it and i wanted to thank you for your words of support.

if only i could speak as i write, life would be so simple for me then. i would have *gasp* eloquence!!

-Mel ;)

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

It's ironic, if i had the strength i pretended to have i would be dead by now. I would have plunged the knife that ive held trembling deep into my flesh and been at peace.

Don't fool yourself into thinking not being able to do it is weakness. Your will to live is just stronger than your will to die. That's not a fault, it's a strength.

All the people in the world who wanted desperately to live, but had their lives ripped from them, and you entertain ideas of giving it all up? Don't do that, there's a whole helluva lot more to the world than what you've seen so far. ;)

Do the world a favor and stick around as long as you can. We need all the Futurama fans we can get.

"What you don't understand you can make mean anything." - Misty Wilmot

We need all the Futurama fans we can get.

Ain't that the truth.

All the people in the world who wanted desperately to live, but had their lives ripped from them, and you entertain ideas of giving it all up?

err, i'm going to choose to ignore this. otherwise i'll start a flame-war, and apparently im "scary". but, i dont think it is just for you to make a statement like that. particularly on something as subjective as the value to be held in ones own life. ok. im done lecturing. ooh, quicker than normal! im improving!

moving on, i had meant to do a follow up response to this, but i forgot.

anyway, i ended up talking to said Gus. I had jeanette talk to him and then he found me. *blushes* told you i was gutless.

anyway, i was being paranoid. it was not referred to me personally on any level. however, i still spoke to him about what he said the incredibly stupid moral it said. and how unfair it was for him to blame someones inadequecies on lack of effort.

to cut a long story short: i spoke to him. more than i've ever spoken to anyone. including what i've posted here :S i needed to do it...but i will never do it again. i have too much pride basically.

i hate it that he has seen weakness in me.

i hate it that i am weak.

i hate weakness, just in case you hadnt picked that up.

and i despise people who assume that because they are weak i have strength to spare for them.

enough said.

im going to bed.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Ah hell with it, pretend I didn't say anything. I was just curious.

"What you don't understand you can make mean anything." - Misty Wilmot

This post was edited by MrVicious on Apr 17, 2004.

i hate it that he has seen weakness in me.
i hate it that i am weak.
i hate weakness, just in case you hadnt picked that up.

Let me argue that you're not weak at all. Here's my logic:

It's my observation that everyone despises weakness in others and fears it in themselves. But in my opinion real weakness is when you can't bring yourself to acknowledge your own limitations and vulnerabilities. In that case, you're dealing with a fantasy view of the world and your place in it.

Once you accept your fears and imperfections, you're at least dealing with reality. Perversely, the very fact of accepting weakness sweeps away its most crippling impacts, and you can deal with it as best you can. The quote above tells me you've already taken that critical first step of "self-awareness".

I don't know if that's any universal truth or not, but I sure believe it and it works for me.

By the way, however your talk played itself out, Gus still sounds like a jerk.