Reading Stoic_Slaughter's journal

I'm getting to a point where I don't want to be friends with anyone. It's a terrible effort for me to be social and kind, even to the people whom I hold or once held dear. I'm starting to dislike most of my associates, but I'm still polite. It's driving me insane. I wish I could just say, "Don't talk to me…I hate you," to everyone, but I've been told all of my life to always be polite and kind to others. If I were honest I would feel bad anyway. I really wish that everyone would just ignore me sometimes...or all the time. I regret ever making friends, because although I don't want to hurt them, I want to be alone all the time. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to tell them about myself, and I don't want to discuss my problems. It always comes up, and I end up saying things...but it's not because I want to; it's because I feel obligated to. I’ve never felt so introverted in my entire life, and I feel as though now I still have to live up to my previously bubbly personality. I’ve become so critical of the opinions and thoughts of others that I don’t trust anything they say. Also, something really weird, nothing holds my interest anymore; especially things that I used to love. I'm just sort of like a robot; I wake up, go to school, come home, go to sleep. I don't want to go outside, and I don't want to get on the computer or read or write or anything else I used to enjoy. I wish I knew what is wrong so I can fix it, because I hate feeling this way. Advice, anyone?

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

I'll leave you alone, you can just say it. Really. If you really don't want to be around people, just say it. They'll learn to deal if they really are the decent people that you think they are. Don't worry.

"It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity."

I can only suggest what tools I use for myself. When did it start happening? What was going on in life before the change. What has been lowering the stress level? I say this because from a lot of your posts, your tolerance level seems to be dropping.

Something you need...you are not getting.

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

I say this because from a lot of your posts, your tolerance level seems to be dropping.

Yeah, that. I have become much less tolerate lately, true...and it's really bothering me. I guess there is too much going on right now and I just can't handle it. I'd like to take some of my own advice and say, "This too will pass," but reasonably I know it won't. I can't better my situation. I'd like to care and I'd like to be happy, but recently I've had to deal with a lot of misfortune. I don't like my state of mind, but I don't know what to do about it. This isn't a "vent" post, I just really need some advice. I truly don't like feeling this way, and I feel like there is nothing I can do. I feel so hypocritical because I always give others advice about things, and when it comes to situations like this my advice doesn't help me.

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

I realize you cannot change any of the larger aspects, but is there possibly any small changes you could bring into a day or a week?
Being in school, you are on a road for a needed goal, so it does feel like a trap. It confines you to the journey.

Can you give yourself small gifts that are unique to you and your interests?

I'm gonna embarrass myself, but once I gave myself an hour watching ducks and feeding them cornbread.

Find something you care about and fall madly in love with it, even for a short time.

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Yeah, this is truly an awful feeling :( . No, it won’t pass. Not for at least 2 mths.

I hang out with a rather large clique in sch and had such feelings towards my sch frens abt 2 years back. Suddenly just felt rather claustrophobic and my privacy being invaded from all ends (email, hse phone, mobile phone, icq). They could contact me anywhere, anytime and anyhow. It is like having to face inquisitive parents/ frens in sch/ flatmates/ colleagues at work all at once and I got really tired of them all. And I dun even like to talk all that much in the 1st place. Everyone had problems, wanted to share them and in turn wanted to know all abt your life and share your problems too. I wanted to bang my head agst the nearest column, everytime I hear the phrase “let’s talk abt it”. I don’t want to talk abt it! Or abt u! Let me be the wallpaper! I dun hate them, but they suddenly really felt like a burden.

What I did then was to “run away” with 1 of my childhood frens to an offshore island to camp for abt 3 days, to cycle, hear the waves, read comics and have some peace and quiet. We hardly talked to each other, which was fantastic. I got the kick out of “escaping” fr them and felt more at peace with myself, consequently more ready to face the world again. Kinda recharged. I am not sure where u can “run away” to be by yourself and write some poetry, but that could be a way. Just go off and do s’thing u won’t do normally. Fly a kite? Go to a fish farm? 24 hrs at the arcade? Kick-boxing? Watever. Just get off the seat and do s’thing, if not u may really fly off the handle, scream at someone, yank out tufts of their hair and regret it for the rest of ur life.

I feel so hypocritical because I always give others advice about things, and when it comes to situations like this my advice doesn't help me.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde

Relax... :). What hypocritical? Don’t be too harsh on urself. U r Stoic Slaughter not Superman.

"Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating." --Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

U r Stoic Slaughter not Superman.

I agree. you cannont be expected to put up with everyone and everything all at once. especially right now when you have a lot of other things youre going through that is much more relevant than what the person next to you is eating for lunch and how terrible it is. just tell people to piss off and theyll understand. if they dont, they werent worth associating with to begin with. I do it, and people dont like me too much, so if that is one of your concerns, dont take my advice. but I think you shouldnt care what they think about you. you have better things to worry about. just do what you think is best and I shall support your decision 100%.

"Wishing on a star that's already burned out..."

just tell people to piss off and theyll understand.

I actually doubt that. It's easier to lose than to win a friend, and I guess - even if you don't care know - you will care some time.

'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman. 'Get stuffed!' the Harlequin replied, sneering.

Stoic_Slaughter~

I know what you are feeling right now...like there is something missing in your life that no one else can understand, so you don't want to discuss it with other people. I've been there...just remember to keep a smile on your face and a prayer in your heart and you'll feel better soon. :-) Pissing off your friends now will leave you with more grief later.

This Loneliness won't leave me alone.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted.

"Know Thyself." That takes time. Time without people pushing thier opinions on you.

I do follow your posts, and you seem to be a discerning person. And I would imagine you have picked up some of that discernment from your friends or family. You seem to be a person who considers other people's opinions and yet is not controlled by them. I think that no matter how you choose to live, you will live well.

Please contiune to vote AND post.