Reading Bunk's journal

Prologue: As a standard, i think a lot of online journals (aka "I went for a sandwich then cried 'cause my boyfriend didn't call as much as he should blah blah blah") serve no purpose except to put the author at ease. I hope my entries are a little more interesting, but if they aren't, they'll put me at ease at least. I just felt this was too personal for Philosophy.

"Lets see what this button does..."

I confess I'm finding it much harder nowadays to mean what I say. Somehow it feels forced in some way. Deep down in my soul (pardon the cliche), dishonesty plagues me. Almost as though something is broken. The connection between my mind, and my life, separated constantly by a wall of faded glass, broken only by moments of insight, or rage. Anger makes me feel alive in some way. The need for descruction consumes me. Normally it passes. I try to vent it safely when I can. I suppose I should be worried about the future. But I'm not.

Allow me to put it another way. It's like a game.

It's like I'm playing the world like a computer game, mildly interested in the results. A conversation with a terminator: something is said, and a list of possible responses appears. A choice is made based on experimentation, and the results are observed. Only it's more than that, I know it is.

If i had the power to remake the world... Stimulus, response. That's my world. Predefined with variation in form. The creativity of a photograph, the perfected and balanced dimentions of chess. Right or wrong choices, and a sense of belonging.

In the real world, all of these are delusions of contentment.

Am I closed like Cathcart, trapped in a world where everything is either a black eye or a feather in my cap? I still feel there is more; Like my mind, and the minds of those around all of us can be expanded, and that leaps of realization are possible when all the pieces fall into place.

But I can't find no place or nothin', where thrills are cheap, and love is divine

I hope my entries are a little more interesting (...)

They certainly are, keep it going.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion