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Reading Love and Lifesense

After reading over my last post, I imagined I was the reader of it (having not written it) and yes, I found it to be more than a bit confusing. Just like the title said. And admittedly those are thoughts that come from a very confused mind. I really racked my brain trying to come up with a less confusing way of relating these thoughts that I will begin to tell of, but I could not. I realize that it would be much easier if I just refered to myself or others that I talk of as male, female, gay, hetero, etcetra, but I am unable to do that at this point. I can't bring myself to specify my gender. So if you've decided to take this one on, read slowly and be paitent. And your headache may not be quite as bad as the one I'm anticipating upon the completion of this piece.

In my last post, I went on to explain my discomfort, actually more like repulsion, of my assigned physical gender. And I also went into a brief history of my attemps at relationships which, upon looking back, were doomed from their start. Now, I, as I said before, really love my current partner. I really want to be with this person. But I've been made aware that if I must persue any type of transitioning, they will not be willing to stay in this relationship. Despite my love for them, my delimma is wreaking enough havock in me that yes, if that were the only factor stopping me, I would have to be true to my inner feelings and do what I needed to do, be the person I know I was supposed to be. This is something that I've found from my experience, that there is no 'getting over ' it. Believe me, I've tried and failed each time. It is very hard for someone not feeling these kinds of things to relate, but try to bear with me here.

The relationships of my past, and the current one also, have produced offspring. This is a major factor in me not being able to 'be okay' with transitioning. Hindsight tells me that if I would've known then what I know now, I would've chosen different partners and not become a parent. I never regret playing a part in bringing these children into the world, they are beautiful wonderful people (all four of them) whom I pray will never experience the pain and difficulty of what I'm going through. But my most recent child, a product of my current relationship, was already on the way when I made the discovery of the fact that I am transexual. This makes for deep difficult thought. I cannot be alright with the amount of selfishness I imagine it would take to leave these children behind to persue my 'correct' life. Other TS people I talk with have children. But either they were partner-less, or their partner was not against their transition, so the children are still with them and apparently adjusted well to their parent's sexual reassignment surgery or hormone therapy, as the case may be.

So, as you can see, this is a major factor that hinders me from making a decision to either A: let go of the idea that I can ever change who I appear to be, or B: Go ahead and be true to my inner feelings before I let it drive me to the brink of insanity. I suppose one factor that enabled me to aviod my truth, and to attempt coming to terms with this alien feeling I have was that up until not too long ago, I hid from these (and any others too) feelings with drug and alcohol use. Today that is not an option for me, and I would guess it has alot to do with the surfacing of these very real feelings, and the fear I feel about what this will end up doing to me and others in my life. I do hope to get a bit of feedback on this post, and I really hope that if by chance, anyone who reads this who just might feel similar to my described state, may not feel so alone and like such a freak. No matter how many TS people I talk with, though, I still feel like a freak. They tell me that's what denial feels like. They might be right.

Also I would like to add, in referance to the question of honesty in my last post, that since then I took it upon myself to reveal my true nature to a couple of the wonderful people I talk with. The first person I came clean with received me very well. I was suprised, relieved, that this particular person didn't seem angry nor judgemental. And then after some more conversing, seemed to actually encourage my internet use as an outlet. Then I suppose I got a bit over-zealous, and decided to reveal myself to another, and the results were the exact opposite. This person took it quite personally it seemed, and was under the impression that my goal had been to fool them for my entertainment, out of contempt. Ok, I do admit freely that what I'm doing is, in fact, to fulfill me in a way I cannot find fulfillment in any other way at this point. But regardless, I was very sorry that I'd hurt and angered this person. It helped me to remember, though, that the purpose of 'coming clean' is not to alliviate one's own feelings of guilt. I forgot to ask myself if this information might harm someone in any way. I sure hate to get these sort of reminders, but they happen from time to time. I have decided, for the time being, to 'keep the lie alive' of course mainly for my own selfish reasons, but also because of the possibility of affecting someone adversly. I will stop the over-analization of everything, and continue to entertain myself and others via my alter identity. I am sure that somehow I am serving a divine purpose, and today I will let go of resentment and shower myself with forgiveness.
Thank you again for enduring this ramble.

looking for a clue..

So, well, I do not know what it feels like wanting another body/ gender than the one you're born in/with. But I definitly know how hard it is, and how discriminating people can be, when you're a bisexual. And this is quite similar to finding out that you're transexual, as in both cases it is a rather seldom existant case.

Most of my closer circle of friends today consist of bisexual folks, both men and women. But then, a few aint bisexual, are plainly mono-sexual (AFAIK heterosexual). IF this people wouldnt be my friends, I think they would possibly have quite different opinions about non-monosexual / non-monogamistic living beings. And there are relationships, with women, who sometimes tell me their biggest fear would be finding ME in bed with another man. And this instinctively feeling, non-reasonable thought, cant be just simply erased. It's always there, I get it told over and over - of course, not that often, but it is THERE.

So, what I want to express by sharing this information with the rest of the world is - although there might be people who just have this described feeling, or even more, think of other blasphemies against true bisexual people, like saying you are just undecided which side of the gender-bender you want, there is no such as a bisexual being, it cannot be, and all of this more and more, turns into a very racistic thing. And the people even dont get it AT ALL, that this is pure breed RACISM. Obviously the will to fight against such prejudices aint there, or whatever .. I dont know.

But my main point about this is: although I know, there is discrimination both on the hetero- as also on the homosexual side of the multiple gender-bender game, but that DOES NOT hold me off from telling WHO I AM. I am not giving up parts of my identity, of my mere personality just to make other folks happy, letting them live on in their dreamy, rose clouded world that doesnt resemble in ANY possible way the TRUE, multi-colored, non-mono-sexual, non-one-race-only, fucking bad WORLD!

If people cant handle this - well, then they're IM MY EYES just not mature enough with their (and other folks) sexuality.
Got my thought? Not yet?

Stay true to yourself, dont give up, maybe try different ways of explaining yourself, maybe push or shove less, depending of the person you're talking to, but make ABSOLUTELY clear that you wont change your mind just because to comfort someone, just to support somebodys rose-clouded view of the world!

cu, w0lf.

ps: and yes, I personally know two human beings who both were born with another gender they now inherit, one once female, and one once male. Last mentioned person even got a website of herself online - its in german only, sorry, but maybe you still can somehow get a grip of what she is telling the world in there ;)

Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign for a diseased mind!

This post was edited by ginsterbusch on Apr 07, 2004.

@Ginsterbusch, what a amazing story about bisexuallity, u can feel whatever u want, both, but i dont believe that´s the way to find a real n all around satisfying relationship aka love..I mean something like a real love, not a bit kinki sex

ps: Sorry, my english isn´t the best i know;(

el_duende

u can feel whatever u want, both, but i dont believe that´s the way to find a real n all around satisfying relationship aka love.

this shows once again what idiotic prejudices about bisexuals and their relationships are going round in other folks heads. It simplz is TOTALLY irrelevant, WHAT kind of relationship it is = either mono= or bisexual - having a good, working relationship is ALWAYS fucking hard work. Now get that damn prejudice out of your head - Im fed wit that!

cu, w0lf.

Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign for a diseased mind!

This post was edited by ginsterbusch on Apr 08, 2004.

Hello, and thank you for the reply. Yes I am afraid that some form of discrimination exists in every corner of society, conjunctive to nearly everything that's done, said, or believed. Well, maybe discrimination is the wrong word here, maybe dissagreement would be better. And that is something I have become able to accept. Certainly, I don't expect the world to agree with my opinions/belief systems, but I don't think that expecting to have my opinions/belief systems repected, at least enough not to feel obvious dissaproval from others is too much to hope for. The bisexual issue to me, anyway, is quite different in many respects from the transexual issue. But I am sure it could produce an equal amount of confusion. The way I see bisexuality, (just my view, of course) is that a person is equally attracted to both sexes. To me, that seems like an easy one. Probably because I am not bisexual. Haha! But when I think of that Vs. transexualism, I of course think that as far as a more complex issue, mine wins hands down. It is difficult to know the stuggles of another. I only wish I could easily agree with you in the stating of 'being true to one's self' but I am not there yet. I do believe in many respects I am not thoroughly mature, despite my age which is somewhere in the thirties, but I hope that I eventually get what I apparently need mentally as a coping mechanism. Until then, I will keep on keepin' on. You do the same. Thanks again.

looking for a clue..

Golly, when I responded to one of your other posts, I had no idea you had this much turmoil going on in your life, anti. In retrospect, I hope I didn't write something stupid.

And I hope it's reasonably on-topic for me to tell you that one of my best friends is transgender. I knew her pretty well as a man, but it was always clear to me that there must be some issue with his (at the time) gender identity. He manifested all the typically male behaviors and attitudes, but there was a subtext to everything that indicated it was all unnatural - a kind of performance for public consumption. She's told me since how much she hated the pretense, and loathed herself for feeling she had to live such a lie.

I think it took the aftermath from a half-hearted suicide attempt to finally convince her that it was either gender reassignment or insanity (as you're fearing) or actual eventual suicide. But quite predictably, the medical establishment and her friends insisted that the decision not be made rashly or over-emotionally, but that all its sides be learned and analyzed and considered and reconsidered. That simple decision-making period probably lasted two years or more. The continuing love and unconditional (but not unthoughtful) support of a small core group of loyal friends obviously made the process bearable for her. You have the added complexity of a family, but ideally you might receive your greatest and most valuable support from your next of kin.

My friend has clearly embraced her new life, and she seems happy despite some continuing minor medical issues. But it brings the greatest joy to those of us who love and support her that she finally seems to be at peace with herself.

I certainly don't want to seem to be promoting gender reassignment here - I'm sure that some (maybe many) stories don't end well at all. But my friend's case illustrates that the situation need not ever be considered hopeless, or even irredeemably bleak.

My best wishes to you, anti.

This post was edited by kaczka on Apr 23, 2004.

Thanks again, Kaczka, for replying to my post. No, I don't perceive anything you said as 'stupid' at all. I got alot out of that last reply, as well as this one.

My situation seems to get more complex with each day. I can hardly believe it myself, but if you read my latest journal entry, you will see what I mean. I am trying to breathe deeply and let go of all the mental obstructions. Not easy.

One thing I've found true for myself, is that since I became familiarized with the term and definition of transexual, and I now don't think that I am the lone ranger, so to speak, that others have these same feelings and have experienced the 'handicap' (for lack of a better word) that this brings on, I feel all the more compelled to be true to myself. Unfortunatly this creates discomfort with my relationship. The more confidence I seem to gain as far as expressing my true nature, the more rejection I experience from my partner. Go figure. I don't honestly expect it to be different, but I am still always hoping that they will become more accepting. Or maybe I will become more accepting of the fact that I am not who I feel like I am, or who I wish I was, and learn to live better with this physical reality. Who knows. Thanks again for the RE:, it is appreciated.

looking for a clue..

The skin is the single biggest organ of/in the body. It is very sensuous, and sensual. The brain is the most powerful, controlling of all our organs.

Our brains, and nerves are what make us sexual, not our reproductive organs.

But that's just the thing isn't it? We aren't able, usually to separate the mental from the physical, when it comes to sex. I have to say that it's even difficult for me, a gay, or bisexual, or trisexual person to remember that, that most of the act of sex happens between the ears, and not the legs.

The old, the ugly, the crippled, and those born with a different set of genetalia than what we feel is right for us as individuals; we all have feelings of sexual attraction toward those we are attracted to. It makes no difference if that person has the same or a different set or genetalia than we do.

I was talking to a man I met on my artwork posting site. He's been "mutated" by puberty into something hideous, and repulsive by his standard. I wouldn't know cause I've never met him. I've only sensed and touched his hurt, pain, and anger. He has suffered a collapsed lung, and has cystic acne, is very tall, and extremely skinny, and...well, you get the picture.
I told him that he is huggable and lovable, because he's no different from anyone else on this planet. He has his foibles, and problems, and heck maybe he is "ugly," but so fucking what? Everyone is entitled to feel their sexual feelings, and entitled to express his or her sexuality in whatever means is comfortable.

I'm more than pleased, and happy to say that anti is my friend. I will support her in what ever decision she makes. But I do know that it will be hard for me to think of her as a different gender. We see each other's physical bodies, and are either attracted, or repelled by that one single factor. We judge others on their tattoos, and piercings, and the clothes, and such. But god dam, how often have we read on this very site about those on the fringes who just don't "fit in" cause of thes very things which we use as a form of identity and security?

Think what a truly scarey thing it is to say on such a public forum, "I'm different." And to me it's even more hard to admit that when it seems that that "difference" isn't a physical, but a mental one. If one has a physical malady, we'll feel sorry for him or her, cause we can actually see what the problem is, or appears to be. But those of us with less pronounced, or "mental" problems or diseases like alcoholism, are subject to all manner of resentments and misunderstandings from our fellow citizens; simply cause it is not visible to the naked eye.

There's a lot here for discussion, but what really summarizes anti's "problem" (I use that term loosely) is that she's repulsed by the genetalia that she was born with. I couldn't imagine being disgusted by my penis. I actually love it. I love (or at least seriously like) most of the things about my body that I was born with. So, in this respect, I have a hard time following with this line of thought. I am inclined to believe that God made me correctly, and by extension, "god" (or Creative Intelligence if you will) intends us to be how we are.

AND LET'S NOT JUMP ON THE GOD/RELIGION-BASHING BANDWAGON CAUSE I'M PREDOMINANTLY ATHEIST!! I just wanted to make that clear.

HOWEVER, I have to look at my sister. She was born with Marfan's Syndrome. Did "god" give that to her? I don't know; but she has it, and it tends to be terminal at a young age. So looking at others outside of my own narrow perceptions, I'm caused to just wonder if "god" makes mistakes, or if...well, if I just don't really have the soft, comfy, cushy answers that I once had in regards to Nature, what we "should" have when we're born.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

Thank you, Zen, for that insightful and intelligent comment. I have come to expect nothing less from you, you never dissapoint me.

The seperation of the physical from the spiritual is very difficult for me, even after becomming more familiar and more trusting that I am a spritual being having a human experience. My belief, of the God of my understanding, is that he has little to do with things that manifest on a physical plane. I don't belive God stuck me in this body, laughed, and said,"Deal with it." My theory is just cause and effect. It just happened this way for me, but somehow, it is my job to learn to live with the physical, while at the same time, remember the truth of the spiritual. This is never easy for me.

I am continually interacting with, in one way or another, a bunch of other spiritual beings having this human experience. And they seem nearly as unaware of the Truth as I am, so of course I react and feel according to other's actions, beliefs, etc. I forget very easily. But somehow, only for a moment sometimes, I get brought back to the truth of my existance. And can actually see myself for what I truely am. But that unfortunatly, just isn't often enough.

I thank you for helping me to somewhat move into the solution, at least for today, instead of wallowing in the apparent problem. It is what it is. I am so glad you are my friend, Zen. Thanks again buddy.

looking for a clue..