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Apr 19, 2004 18:26 # 21699
I have been friends with this guy for 14 years (since I was 16, I am now 30). He is the God Father to my 2 kids and was freinds with my ex since 3rd grade. Two years ago we satred to see eachother, my ex was ver okay with it too, we had been divorced for a year at that time. I felt like he was using me for sex and I left him without explaination for two years. Just this past Nov I tracked him down on the internet and we have been talking ever since. He has told me numerous time he just wants to be freinds but when we are together he is flirting and holding my hand and playing with my hair. We have "been" together 2 times since Nov and the first time I asked him if he thought it wasa good idea and he said it was something we both needed. The second time he asked me to come over before zi went to work (I work 3rd) and when I walked in he was all over me, I said no, we didn't have time and he said "You knew why I wanted you to come over". And it seems like every conversation we have ends up about sex. Basically he is always asking me what I like and don't like when it comes to sex. He has never had a serious girlfreind and all the while I was married-10 years-everyone even my ex said he was madly in love with me. I met him 3 month before I met my ex, he actually introuduced me to him. He had the reputation in school as the "Everyones freind-not boyfreind-type. I don't know what to do. I have told him I want to be with him, I was honest but he just makes me feel like I am being used like I did two years ago. He insits he thought he was a good boyfreind back then and that we wasnt using me. But this is how I felt then. Could it be he don't know how to be a boyfreind or is he sacred? Or is he really using me. I just don't know what to do, I really do love him.
Apr 28, 2004 14:37 # 22005
I would suggest(if you haven't already)trying to do some things together outside the bedroom / home during the day. Invite him for a hike, bike ride, amusement park etc. See how he is around you when you two are just out and about having a good time. Get him around your friends. When it is time to end the day, go home. Don't go home with him. If he gets upset, then I would consider that a red flag. Definitely do not allow yourself to be a booty call (ie. going over to his place in the morning). The way you describe him it does sound like he is not interested in a serious relationship. Do you date other people? Are you making yourself too available to him? Maybe you should make it more of a challenge for him to spend time with you. Normally I would say never play games but sometimes they are a great way to measure someone's interest.
I hope I helped a little bit. Good luck!
Apr 28, 2004 15:50 # 22007
Thankyou for your reply. I tried so many times to get him to spend more quality time with me and he opt for spending time with friends instead. I grew tired of the excuses so I wrote him a letter last night and told him how I felt. Basically it said I felt I was being used and that it was a repeat of how he treated me 2 years ago and that is why I stopped seeing him then. I told him that he hurt me pretty bad and that although I care about him deeply I will not be his fling here and there. I told him that I need to know exactly what is going on and that since I was completely hnest with him he should do the same to me. He wrote me back saying I should just go on with my life and have fun and be happy. And he said although he was not a gentleman at times I was also not always a lady either. It just sounded to me like he was AGAIN not being straight forward and honest with me. A freind said that he just didn't want toadmit or face the fact that he did in fact hurt me quite deep. He is not wanting to take responsiblities for his actions, especially knowing that I wanted to be more than friends from the begining. What do you think? I am still kind of confused and I really thought if I got a negative response from him I would be terribly upset, but for some reason I am pretty okay. I know love him but I knew I just couldn't live with such uncertainty any longer. I am only hoping I did the right thing. Please write back and let me know what you think. And to answer some of your questions, no I was never seeing anyone else. I had the op. to do so but I turned it down because of him. And yes, I was most likely making myself too avaliable to him. I wish there would have been a better outcome but I guess this is a moment in the past now. Do you see any way of fixing anything here? ~JD
Apr 29, 2004 14:32 # 22035
Honestly, based on what you have written, it really sounds like you should move on. I know how hard it is to let someone go. And, you never know what could happen in the future if he sees that you have let go. It just sounds to me like you really would like to be in a serious (progressive) relationship with someone and he is looking for just some fun. I am sure he cares about you and values your friendship but it is a terrible thing that he is abusing the friendship the way he is. If he was a true friend he would consider the consequences of misleading you. I am sure he is not a bad person but sometimes people just choose not to think about how their actions will affect people close to them. It is called self centered-ness. My ex was so self centered and I always knew it even when we were dating. He moved away across the country and I was heart broken and it took me a long time to heal. The funny thing is that when I met the man I am with now, I almost instantly felt this realization that I had really allowed myself to be treated like a door mat with my ex and wanted to kick myself for putting up with it like I did. I felt like I must have lost a lot of self respect when I was seeing my ex because normally if one of my friends was going out with someone like that I would tell them that they were crazy to let someone treat them like that. He was a good person but he really put himself first about everything. The good news about the relationship you have had with this man is that it has been a learning/growing experience for you. It has obviously taught you what you cannot tolerate in a relationship so that when you put yourself out there again into the dating world, you will know not to get involved with someone like that. You will know how to watch for those red flags. You really should try to find someone who has a warm heart like you and is caring and affectionate and makes it known that you are always in his thoughts.
I think you should be strong and consider cutting communication off with him for some time and allowing yourself to have some down time and clear vision of what you really want. You sound like a great person and you just need to be reminded that you deserve the best in life.
Apr 29, 2004 17:53 # 22037
Thankyou so much for your advice but I am taking it as well. I took him off my buddy list and out of my address book. I just wish that he would see that how he treated me was wrong, but instead he put the balme on me. Saying I knew what was going. He actually said he knows he wasn't gentleman like all the time but I wasn't ladylike either...what is that? I just told him how I felt about him and told him I didn't think it was fair for him to use me. He he felt I wanted to be more than friends....which of course he did, I told him. He just danced around all I said and made it out to seem like I was just too emotional. But anyway, I did decide to cut all ties with him for good. I don't think I could ever trust him again anyway. So, thankyou for your replys and the advice. I appreciate it. ~JD