Reading MelMel's journal

Do you ever wonder what it is that you live for? Do you live merely to exist, or is there something, or even someone else that casuses you to get up and keep going each morning?

I am so terribly competitive, if i do not believe i can win, i will not enter. If i cannot dominate, i will not participate. The problem is (yes, there's a problem...It wouldnt be a melmel journal entry if there wasn't!) I am not good at anything. Oh, well, i shouldnt say that, i am just above average or average generally in most things, but its still not good enough.

I wait for the day when i will stand up and be recognised. But i do tire of waiting. I dont know how much longer i can hold out.

I take on small projects which i know i can do, and do well... But lately they have been falling through. Or my assistance is no longer required and it is done without me.

I'm beginning to think that there is no point in my being here. I dont seem to offer anything to life.

It has always been a habit of mine to simply leave if there was nothing for me to do. I cant bear to wait around awkwardly hoping that something will come my way. But now when i dont see any point in my existence i dont know what to do. Its not that i necessarily want to end my life. Im just confused about what to do.

I need a new way to deal with things. And i need to think of it now before i go into a low agin. Im bordering on one right now.

Oh, i'll figure something out...
-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

I totally know what you mean. I too have a dominant personality with strong analytical skills. There was a time in my life in which I didn't try unless I knew I could conquer. As uplifting as it is to be the best all the time... it gets boring.

My advice from personal experience is to try something in which you'll probably fail at. Then try something else, which again you'll probably, fail at. Eventually you'll get it; in the meantime life won't be so boring. You'll have something to look forward to... you won't know the outcome. You'll grow. And then you can share your experience.

I mean, isn't that why we're here... to share our experiences? What other purpose to life can there be?

And so, that's my take. Read it, ignore it, remember it, forget it. Try it.

"Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you'll just smile."

My advice from personal experience is to try something in which you'll probably fail at.

i couldnt bear to fail. the rare occasion/s i have put myself on the line and failed it has literally taken months to recover mentally and emotionally. failure is simply not an option.

And then you can share your experience.

ok, i shared my experiance with you all. now what do i do?

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

ok, i shared my experiance with you all. now what do i do?

Make new ones!

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

Mel, my advice to you now is to find one of the things you consider yourself to be far less than adiquate at; then analyze it to the point where you have it broken to its smallest bits. I know you are good ant anyalyzing, I've seen you post too many entries analyzing yourself quite throughly (and probably extreamly accurately). Once you do, look at these parts and locate the exact center of your problem with this activity.

Once you get there, start working on the issue, concentrate your will and desire to be dominant at beating the problem. From there work on to the lesser troublesome areas. Lastly, work on the over all activity, make it your project and make it fit your standards. This is how I work out of slumps like this, it's frustrating at first but once I get over the innitial road blocks it feels good to know that I've gained another skill.

--Jami

You fail it.

Once you do, look at these parts and locate the exact center of your problem with this activity.

Oh i have. It is simply that i am not good enough. Be it physically, emotionally, or intellectually, i am simply not good enough. I know my limits and they are far below anything i would accept as success for myself.

Example: Literature in school, straight a+'s...A's on a bad day, but i am completely aware that what i write is shit, and more importantly, how i write it is shit. It is not difficult to do well, i think the whole class is recieving the same grades as me. But i know that my standard/quality of work is less than it should be...And that i am not capable of doing much better. Note that i say much, i could do a little better, but i would rather be able to say "look, i got an a+ and i pulled it out of my arse at the last minute" then try my hardest and read it thinking it is not good enough.

There is nothing more pitiful than someone who tries. I despise people who put so much work into things, and still do badly. And i despise people who give them things in return for 'trying'. If you are not good enough, then you are not good enough. It's simple.

And it is not fair to make 'charity cases' out of some and not others.

Ok, sorry, got a little off topic with my ranting. But that is really giving me the shits at the moment. When i see someone who is quite clearly worse than me being rewarded for trying and failing, i get pissed. Who cares about the means, provided the ends are met/found/completed...Etc.

*Breathes in deeply*

ok, ranting over.
-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

There is nothing more pitiful than someone who tries.

I'll have to disagree with you, my friend. Maybe sometimes this may be true, but on the other hand - how do you ever find out if you can do it, or learn something new, if not by trying it and maybe failing the first time? If there's something you're not good at, you have two choices - leave it or start learning. If you choose the former - which may perfectly acceptable - you'll never get a second chance. If you take the latter, hell, maybe you don't achieve your goal, but maybe you do, and that feeling rules!
Even for Jimi Hendrix or Eric Clapton (or Joe Satriani, Eric Johnson, Steve Vai, ... for that matter) there was a time when they held a guitar in their hands for the very first time, and I don't want to know what they sounded like back then! And look how far it got them, just because they kept on trying and learning.

Of course it's up to you what you want to try and what not, but never trying anything would be an unnecessary waste of your enormous creativity and potential talents. Yes, you do have these. No opposition, don't argue with me, I know that I'm right. Now go, my friend, find something you've always wanted to do, and take the risk. The world can be yours!

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

But what if one's not creative and lacks in potential? What's with those people?

"Sie wollen nichts anderes. Sie wollen kämpfen! Sie sind Soldaten! Fucking Wahnsinnige!" - Noel G.

But what if one's not creative and lacks in potential? What's with those people?

Neither of these applies to MelMel. But generally speaking, of course there are differences, but in my eyes nobody has zero potential!

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

nobody has zero potential!

Well it's nice that you believe in people :)
It's only that I just have to discover my potential. I'm still not sure if I got one. I always thought I have to be happy with being average in everything. There's no area in which I might make it to above average and special talent. *sigh*

On the other hand talent doesn't make a person better than others, so... ;)

"Sie wollen nichts anderes. Sie wollen kämpfen! Sie sind Soldaten! Fucking Wahnsinnige!" - Noel G.

There's no area in which I might make it to above average and special talent

Duh! Your Japanese is above average (and your English too), your journalistic skills are above average, your Karate skills are above average, you're well-educated, ... need I continue?

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

I feel like i should be saluting or somthing. :P "Yes, sir!". but i cannot say that.

have you considered a career in motivational speaking? ;)

i wish i could take that chance. i wish i could let myself myself feel the elation of success...but i cant, i wont.

lets just say im gutles and leave it at that.

Of course it's up to you what you want to try and what not, but never trying anything would be an unnecessary waste of your enormous creativity and potential talents. Yes, you do have these. No opposition, don't argue with me, I know that I'm right.

but..thats...you...but..i...*gives up*

there's that "p" word again...potential. not a fan of that word. as to my creaivity, im not a very creative person. im into creative things...but i cant really create. sometimes i can re-create...but i have no originality of ideas.

but thanks anyway.
-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

but i cant, i wont.

Not trying to force you to do anything. Just a gentle prod in the right direction. What you make of it (and at what pace) is 100% up to you. :-)

there's that "p" word again...potential.

Being into electronics and physics and stuff, that word may have a slightly different meaning for the two of us. To me, potential is energy, force, power, ... waiting to be released and used.
A power outlet has potential (electrically speaking). The electricity is there all the time, but it's no use unless you plug in a device that converts electrical power into something useful or pretty.
And in that sense of the word you have potential, no, don't argue with me :-) you just need to find more ways to tap it.

have you considered a career in motivational speaking?

Well, no, for the simple reason that very few people actually buy all the bullshit I can produce. ;-)

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid

It's really sad that you feel like this. I know those thoughts and there is not a lot one can do about it, so I can hardly give advice, yet, at the risk of sounding cheesy, I shall still try.

I think you might want to consider to what standards you try to measure up. I guess you'd call them "your standards", and that may be. But think about it nonetheless, and when you notice they are, at least partially, not yours but have been imposed on you by someone or something, dump them. At any rate, you will never be good at everything, so accept weaknesses. But trust in your strengths, you do have them.

Ultimately you are most responsible towards yourself. You do not have to "offer anything to life", what has life to offer to you? If the only important thing it may have to offer is success, you will indeed have to try to succeed. Or start to trust you will, one day, when you discovered what you're real good at (you will, I honestly believe). But perhaps, there could be other things?

And don't be too harsh to yourself. That's no use anyway, is it?

'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman. 'Get stuffed!' the Harlequin replied, sneering.

Hi Mel!!:)
Well, I'll not go through a list of your good points, cause you probably don't want to hear that.

However, I will say that you're actually at the classic point where people either give up and accept their "miserable" fate, or they "find god" (and of course I'm saying a Higher Power of your understanding),
OR the person finds a new challenge, and meets it square on, and fails. Or s/he masters it...but god dam, s/he is counted for his/her actually DOING that great thing. The monumental task of meeting the self-imposed challenge.
Fail, or succeed, just fucking do something great. Decide what you want to do, and make that your goal.

My partner, god bless him, is doing pottery...but he's taking it a step further. He is actually trying to clad the pieces in copper, like the master Charles Clewell (around turn of the century.) Chances are VERY good that he'll fail. Mr. Clewell left no notes. But god dam, he's going to try to do that very thing that noone else, to this point, has been able to do.
And you know what sweetie, if there is anything that I would attribute to his eventual success (and yes, he WILL succeed at this) it is simply his tenacity and motivation to do this.

He keeps reminding me how he's failed up to this point. And I remind him of a certain project that he single-handedly got off the ground, that netted half million dollars when it was all over. Just him, and not a company (although I did help with the labor.) It was his tenacity, and motivation that got him to that point.

If there are no challenges coming to you, hon, you are in the wrong place. Go out and FIND something that will make you happy. If it's not willfully coming, wrestle it to the ground, and MAKE it come with you, and submit to your will. Shit, when it's all done, and settled, the victory will be just oh-so-mush sweeter, for you having fought for it.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second