Reading torn13's journal

Jun 15, 2004 17:00 # 23338

torn13 *** posts about...


84% | 4

People who habitually read my posts are going to think I'm a fake. I'm just trying to be interesting. Because every post gets a little more outrageous and unbelievable. And I guess it's ok if you don't believe me, I can't force you to. But here is what's really been going on in my life.

Remember Wes? My last post about the molestation? Well this is what happened last night. We were fighting about something stupid (he was mad at me because I told him that I always want to do "things" with him, but last night I wasn't in the mood, so apparently that makes me a liar) and he had an asthma attack, which has been occuring more frequently everytime he gets really upset. It's what happens after these asthma attacks that concerns me. This was on the phone last night:

He's convinced he goes to sleep. Twenty minutes after the attack ended, he'll all of a sudden go "I love long have I been asleep?" And it's really hard to convince him that he's talked to me the whole time, but I swear it's true. He gets really quiet, but when I tell him to speak up, he says he's yelling. He starts out really distant and somewhat angry, very delusional. He says things like "why do you hate me?" or "go away, I don't like you!", even though I've just been trying to be soothing the whole time. He talks and acts kind of like a very scared little kid. He constantly thinks I'm laughing at him. And I can tell that he won't remember a word of it. I try to tell him when he's still in the midst of these episodes that this has happened before, and he probably won't remember anything that we're saying, and he just calls me a liar. Then his mood reverts to loving and caring. He just wants to tell me everything is ok, and that he loves me and want to be with me. Then he snaps out of it. This has happened 3 times recently, probably in the past month.

When he "wakes up", and I tell him what actually happens. It scares him. I know he's doubtful and wondering if I'm lying. He tells me that he's been asleep and he was dreaming the whole time. He said it was about the molester again, and he didn't want to talk about his dream. I can understand where some of the things he says can be related back to the incident like "I don't like you" or "go away". I wonder if that's why he's talking from the mindset of a little kid, because that's the point of view he's dreaming from. He doesn't remember talking to me at all, not a single word. He just remembers sleeping and waking up with me still on the phone talking to him.

I brought up the idea that he might be schizophrenic. Not multiple personality disorder, because that is something different. To my understanding, schizophrenia is a kind of detachment from reality, where your concious hides for a while and you may not remember what or why you did something. He's so scared, and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. He doesn't want anyone to think he's a freak and he doesn't want to go back to the hospital.

This has only happened 3 times with me, when we were fighting or upset. It happened once with his ex-girlfriend when she broke up with him (she thought he was faking it to make her feel guilty), and when he was little, his brother said he did the same thing. It seems to me that he's hiding from stressful situations by turning off his full concious and memory, though not quite an intentional thing he can control. However, I may be very wrong.

I went online this morning to look up mood disorders, and I think he may have schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. He displays almost all of the symptoms during his episodes. However, they (the actual episodes) do not occur all the time. The diagnostic criteria is on this link if you are interested:
(I can't get the hyperlink to work, so you'll have to just cut and paste)
He shows every single symptom of a major depressive episode except significant weight loss. The others he shows all the time.

If anyone has advice, or is more knowledgable of mood disorders and perhaps has a clue to what that is, I am completely open to anything. The only thing not included anywhere in the disorder above is his ability to do two concious things at once (sleep and dream, carry on a conversation). I was wondering if it could just be a sleep disorder.

If you have any help, it would be welcome.

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

Jun 16, 2004 07:41 # 23410

zen *** replies...

Re: Schizophrenic?

100% | 6

Lol...(to myself of course)...i came on to say why I haven't been over here for a while (computer problems); and I read your post.

First, let me say as a sufferer of mental health issues, I'll offer to you that for those that love us, this type of shit is not easy. So, if you've decided to stay with him, that congrats.

I haven't the opportunity to read the other posts, so if I don't have a grasp of what you're really saying forgive me...technical issues, you know.

I might suggest that you shy away from asking "advice" about mental health issues, but rather just ask for ways to deal with the problems of dealing with difficult loved ones who don't see that they have a problem. Asking for MH advice in a forum like this may not give you good results. In my opinion.

A tiny bit of my own history. I was actually surprised when I read what you posted, cause it sounded alot like what I was experiencing with my partner. I've posted on this issue in the past, at length, and it might prove interesting reading to you.
At any rate, My partner used to talk in his sleep--actuall sleep, as in at night, in the middle of the night. He'd be sleeping, then he'd say things to me. It was more than just talk, he would ask me questions. And respond to those answers. For me, this was actually very scarey.

I would tell him about this the next day. He didn't want to hear anything about it, because this actually defies logic, or rational thinking. People just do not have conversations while they're sleeping. Well, I told him, you do. I would give him details about his dreams that he was having, and I think it just bugged him out. He wouldn't want to talk about it, and got upset about it. He'd sorta treat me like I'm the crazy one.

Then along came Luke, a disembodied spirit. Luke was, at some point in time, a real person. I kidded with my partner that Luke is our child. R~, my partner, in some shape or form was like a medium for this spirit. The first time he showed up, and R~ channeled for him, and I had a conversation with him, I told R~ about him, and he told me that I was fucking crazy. I described everything about Luke that he told me about him. I asked him questions, specific questions of Luke. I got specific answers from Luke (technically it was my partner speaking, but you get thepoint, i hope.)

To make a long story short, I ended up tape recording my partner channelling this spirit, named Luke. I have 6 or 7 90 minute tapes of him talking as Luke. Essentially I consider it Luke himself talking. To this day, my partner still wont listen to these tapes cause it skeeves him out too much.
He doesn't need to listen to these tapes, however, cause he has dreams with Luke in them.

So, to make my point, i think that you should invest in a good tape recorder to always have handy when dealing with your boyfriend. If he is truly schizo-affective, or has a MPD, or such, then he won't remember the conversations. He'll insist that you're crazy, or that you're trying to fruck with him, or whatever, even though he might internally feel that you MAY be right. For guys it's very tough to admit that they're not in control of their own thoughts, let alone what they say.

I'll suggest to you that it is VERY important for you to get at least one good recording of these "experiences" to show him. More is definitely better. A recording might alos benefit any mental health professionals willing to help him. It might not make him run out immediately to seek help, but at the very least, he won't think that you're fucking with him.

As to the issue of going into the hospital, it is my experience that those who try to deal with their problems in a proactive manner aren't the ones who wind-up back there. It's the one's who insist that they have it all figured out that manage to make their way back there. And the truth is that if his condition is real, there are very wonderful medications that will allow him to function properly. I'm in the process of dealing with depresion myself. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps a perscription of Zoloft (or similar), is better that smoking weed to release me from this fucking mental prison I find myself everyday.

I applaud your research. Now let the professionals make their own.

Good luck, and may the gods be with you.

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Jun 16, 2004 17:39 # 23446

anti * replies...

Re: Schizophrenic?

Good one, zen. I always love your insightfulness.

looking for a clue..

Jun 16, 2004 17:37 # 23445

anti * replies...

Re: Schizophrenic?

92% | 2

Hi torn13, I sure can appreciate your post, from the point of view of someone dealing with their own mental challenges. I have a friend who's schitzophrenic, and as long as he takes his meds, everything is, for the most part, smooth for him. The big problem he encounters, over and over again, is after just two or three weeks of being on his meds he begins to think that he doesn't need them, and that his family is trying to poison him with them. Thus he ceases taking them which brings about a very major shift in his persona, making him quite paranoid, delusional and actually dangerous.

I feel so much for the family of my friend, they have struggled with his condition for years now only to see the same cycle repeat itself. I sure don't know enought to say that your friend is afflicted with this condition as well, but it does sound like something's going on with him that hopefully, he would be willing to have looked at.

That is the main problem I encounter, time after time, with whatever my particular mental condition is. I let myself get to a point of being crippled by my anguish, promising myself that I will take the appropriate measures to do something about it, and then again begin to believe that I don't really have a problem, that I'm making a big deal over nothing, and I can handle it on my own. Each time I experience this cycle it is more difficult than the last. Sometimes I fear what it will actually take, for me to seek the help I so obviously need.

I do wish you much luck with your friend, and I also hope that you keep us up to date on the developing situation. Zen's thoughts on utilizing a tape recorder sound pretty smart. But hell, zen always sounds smart! Thanks again for this well written and very interesting post.

looking for a clue..

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